I recently had 5 days away from the littles. This was THE LONGEST amount of time I have been away from either of them. I was nervous as all get out. I mean, what in the french toast would I do with myself for 5 whole days?!? Work. Sleep. Miss them. Repeat. That was my plan. Well plans changed and while I did work and miss them to the heavens and back, I most definitely did not sleep all that much. In fact, I barely even sat. I was GO GO GO from the minute they were dropped off at their Dads. My only responsibilities were the dog and work. Outside of that I was doing whatever I wanted. Now you folks without children have no idea what 5 days of doing whatever the hell you want does for us parents. It's the FFF effect. It's foreign, it's freaky, but it's also kind of fun. The fun came into play after I convinced myself it was ok to enjoy myself for days on end AND miss my kids at the same time, instead of just staying home and sulking that they weren't with me. This co-parenting thing is a balance, one I am slowly becoming better with. My entire life feels like a teeter totter. All mom mode on one side, then I'm suddenly catapulted into the air with free time every so often... And I was never really a fan of the f*ckin teeter totter to begin with.
When I was younger, pre kid days, I would always see Moms out and wonder why they looked like wackos in Mom jeans that had just been released into the wild. Wide eyed and dancing to Def Leppard "Pour Some Sugar on Me" at 5:30pm in some hole in the wall Pub, hugging everyone. The 9-5 shift workers that would stop in for their daily after work PBR sure get some entertainment on the days those Moms go out for happy hour! You know what, I'll never judge those Mothers again. Shoot, I'd probably hug them. Double shoot, I probably am one of those Moms now. I have this thing for making friends with strangers in random places anyways. It's best that I travel with supervision at all times since I can't be trusted. There was even a time, years ago, that I found a nearly passed out tweaker with one shoe in a booth at El Toro and wanted to give her a ride home. I figured she was in a fajita coma and wanted to make sure she was safe. Seeeeee...that's why I need supervision. However, I'm getting off track here, that's another story. Point being, free time is like crack to us Moms. We need to let loose once in awhile, however it works for us, so we can stay cool under the daily pressures parenting throws our way.
At the end of the 5 days my teeter totter dropped me back into parent mode and I was instantly happy and whole again. That happiness would briefly vanish for a hot second when I was probed by a plastic T-Rex. I had ran to use the bathroom quickly and didn't turn on the light. I know I'm not the only Mom that does this- You see a moment that you can pee in peace and even if you have to do a double roundhouse kick, a back handspring, and a herkie over a baby gate to get there, you take that moment to pee alone! For 5 days the lid was up so that's what I was used to. Welllll...someone decided to close the lid and place that plastic creature there. For what purpose? I really don't know. Anyways, thank goodness the T-Rex doesn't have large arms, that could have ended very badly for me. Right after, I walk into the living room and see the littlest little naked. Naked and bathing herself in the dogs water bowl, and I thought....
I love my life. There's never a dull moment. I just LOVE being a Mom and while I enjoy my free time too, I'm learning the benefits of what loving both sides of my life does for me. Even if it's filled with random nude dog bathing and the T-Rex surprise.
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Mama On A String
I'm starting to believe that our children are the rulers and we are simply their subjects. As parents, we may think we are in charge, but really those littles run the show. Ok, so maybe this isn't really true but it sure feels like it some days....or weeks!
Example....
So we play this game every single day where Leah wants string cheese. But.....I wanna do it "MYSEF"" Mom. I wanna open it "MYSEF!" Great. Well we've played this game long enough now that I know she gets mad and ends up asking me do it for her. Once we get it open the game changes and she chews a piece for a second and then decides to hand me the chewed up piece because it suddenly becomes the most disgusting thing she's ever tried eating and I must get it out of her sight that instant! Not the entire string though, just the piece she tried eating. Seeing that she just scaled the fridge like some toddler version of Spiderman seconds before and screaming to have the cheese, I find that it suddenly disgusts her hard to believe. I grab the slobbery regurgitated string cheese with my bare hands, because I'm a Mom and we do shit that that without thinking twice. Sometimes if I am really distracted I forget that it's already been chewed food and almost eat it myself. Lets face it, Mom's live off their kids scraps during the day. Crust and crumbs that have a drizzle of kid slobber should be it's own food group on the pyramid. I feel like a wild animal sometimes that's just thankful they left me some bits to munch on. My daily food intake is this- Luke warm coffee for breakfast. Two bites of a granola bar I picked up off the couch for a snack. Lunch is crust and 7 goldfish crackers, maybe some half chewed string cheese if I'm lucky. Dinner..well that is my only shot at actually eating a real meal and sometimes I succeed. However, some days I spend so much of that time trying to get the kids to eat, that mine gets cold so I give up and have a glass of wine instead. We all know if you actually stop to make yourself a meal all your own, the little people will reek havoc and make you wish you never chose to take those 5 minutes to begin with. It's like taking a shower. I know I only have so much time. Get in. Get out. We all remember the time they decided to Sharpie themselves trying to be tigers right?! That's because I took an extra few minutes to shave my legs. That mistake cost me hours of cleaning.
Example....
So we play this game every single day where Leah wants string cheese. But.....I wanna do it "MYSEF"" Mom. I wanna open it "MYSEF!" Great. Well we've played this game long enough now that I know she gets mad and ends up asking me do it for her. Once we get it open the game changes and she chews a piece for a second and then decides to hand me the chewed up piece because it suddenly becomes the most disgusting thing she's ever tried eating and I must get it out of her sight that instant! Not the entire string though, just the piece she tried eating. Seeing that she just scaled the fridge like some toddler version of Spiderman seconds before and screaming to have the cheese, I find that it suddenly disgusts her hard to believe. I grab the slobbery regurgitated string cheese with my bare hands, because I'm a Mom and we do shit that that without thinking twice. Sometimes if I am really distracted I forget that it's already been chewed food and almost eat it myself. Lets face it, Mom's live off their kids scraps during the day. Crust and crumbs that have a drizzle of kid slobber should be it's own food group on the pyramid. I feel like a wild animal sometimes that's just thankful they left me some bits to munch on. My daily food intake is this- Luke warm coffee for breakfast. Two bites of a granola bar I picked up off the couch for a snack. Lunch is crust and 7 goldfish crackers, maybe some half chewed string cheese if I'm lucky. Dinner..well that is my only shot at actually eating a real meal and sometimes I succeed. However, some days I spend so much of that time trying to get the kids to eat, that mine gets cold so I give up and have a glass of wine instead. We all know if you actually stop to make yourself a meal all your own, the little people will reek havoc and make you wish you never chose to take those 5 minutes to begin with. It's like taking a shower. I know I only have so much time. Get in. Get out. We all remember the time they decided to Sharpie themselves trying to be tigers right?! That's because I took an extra few minutes to shave my legs. That mistake cost me hours of cleaning.
I actually have good kids too. I can't begin to imagine what it's like for those that don't. I think I will take the sneaky approach. Lose the battle, win the war. When I'm old and senile I will do things like poop in the bath, scream and hit the walls for no reason and write cryptic messages on my wrinkled skin with marker so I can get myself kicked out of the old folks home. I will also call them every 5 minutes and just say their name over and over again, never actually asking a question. It'll be so fun. Great thing about this plan is I probably will be so old I won't remember doing it, so I will repeat it daily!
Monday, October 6, 2014
Walk Before You Run
Why is everyone so replaceable these days? I've had ample time to assess what's happened in my own personal life and by no means was I perfect. Who really is? We can't rate ourselves purely based off the successes and failures we've had. Sure they shape who we are, but it's what we take away from those situations, both good and bad, that really matters. Do we improve on our weak points or obsess over the failure itself? Most obsess before they improve, when really if we improve first we most likely will see positive results, causing the need to obsess over our failures slowly lessen.
We live in a world where things are always in motion. We rely on instant gratification. Our wants must be fulfilled immediately or we lose sight of what we were going after to begin with. Things break and we replace them instead of trying to fix, mend, or just deciding to live with the small crack in the glass. Sure there is a point with all things where one may have to accept defeat and start to rebuild. Not all things broken can be fixed. We can admit to not being perfect as individuals, but require perfection out of things in life. It makes no sense really. When did we forget to stop and smell the roses? Ok, maybe not literally smell them.(Not that there's anything wrong with it if you do.) We need to learn how to slow down again. Everything is always at our fingertips. Siri can answer almost anything for us, including where to hide a dead body and Google makes us appear intelligent. Texting has pretty much made phone calls obsolete and makes us challenged when it comes to actual face to face communication. We have become disconnected due to constant connection if that makes any sense?
We are literally blowing through life. Sure, not everyone is this way, but the majority are. There is nothing wrong with forward motion, and it's not necessarily bad if it's fast paced. The most important thing that most don't have before getting wrapped up in the NOW NOW NOW mentality, is actually knowing what they want first. I don't know what I want, but I know I want it right now. Many of us have been guilty of this. I hate to call us out, but ladies, that's kind of our knack!
Relationships begin and end before there's even time to give it a title. Technology has allowed us to be in constant contact, while allowing us to still maintain a physical distance. Here's a novel approach, actually get to know a person first. And yes, that requires actual talking. You know, the face to face kind that our ancestors once did. Take online dating for example. Guy sees girl. Guy likes girl. Guy messages girl because her boobs are hanging out in her profile picture, which just so happens to be a selfie. They text for about a day (insert some sexting.) They meet, drink too much, and go too far right away. Then the downward spiral begins. It's over before it starts and you can't figure out why because he seemed so nice?!?Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Then girl starts to hate men and it's bases it off of those experiences. Ladies, take note- No man that asks to see your ta-tas right out the gate is a keeper. Sexting and selfies won't lead to soul mates.
If you jump the gun, you most likely get shot.
Making a valid effort to slow down is key. You must learn to walk before you run. Know what you want in life...and there's nothing wrong with not having those wants right away. Just don't forget to live your life while you wait for the good things to come.
That's my rant!
We live in a world where things are always in motion. We rely on instant gratification. Our wants must be fulfilled immediately or we lose sight of what we were going after to begin with. Things break and we replace them instead of trying to fix, mend, or just deciding to live with the small crack in the glass. Sure there is a point with all things where one may have to accept defeat and start to rebuild. Not all things broken can be fixed. We can admit to not being perfect as individuals, but require perfection out of things in life. It makes no sense really. When did we forget to stop and smell the roses? Ok, maybe not literally smell them.(Not that there's anything wrong with it if you do.) We need to learn how to slow down again. Everything is always at our fingertips. Siri can answer almost anything for us, including where to hide a dead body and Google makes us appear intelligent. Texting has pretty much made phone calls obsolete and makes us challenged when it comes to actual face to face communication. We have become disconnected due to constant connection if that makes any sense?
We are literally blowing through life. Sure, not everyone is this way, but the majority are. There is nothing wrong with forward motion, and it's not necessarily bad if it's fast paced. The most important thing that most don't have before getting wrapped up in the NOW NOW NOW mentality, is actually knowing what they want first. I don't know what I want, but I know I want it right now. Many of us have been guilty of this. I hate to call us out, but ladies, that's kind of our knack!
Relationships begin and end before there's even time to give it a title. Technology has allowed us to be in constant contact, while allowing us to still maintain a physical distance. Here's a novel approach, actually get to know a person first. And yes, that requires actual talking. You know, the face to face kind that our ancestors once did. Take online dating for example. Guy sees girl. Guy likes girl. Guy messages girl because her boobs are hanging out in her profile picture, which just so happens to be a selfie. They text for about a day (insert some sexting.) They meet, drink too much, and go too far right away. Then the downward spiral begins. It's over before it starts and you can't figure out why because he seemed so nice?!?Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Then girl starts to hate men and it's bases it off of those experiences. Ladies, take note- No man that asks to see your ta-tas right out the gate is a keeper. Sexting and selfies won't lead to soul mates.
If you jump the gun, you most likely get shot.
Making a valid effort to slow down is key. You must learn to walk before you run. Know what you want in life...and there's nothing wrong with not having those wants right away. Just don't forget to live your life while you wait for the good things to come.
That's my rant!
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Untying The Knot And Tying The Tubes?
So everyone has told me that 30 is supposed to be fabulous.
I'm still waiting...
So far 30 can go for a stroll into the woods and just stay there. Well, I kind of take that back. Not all parts of 30 are bad. I am as happy as a clam personally, it's just all the things that keep happening around me, trying to burst my bubble that can go take a hike. Trying to untie the knot and officially be divorced has been the biggest challenge since turning the 3-0. The big D is supposed to be finalized in a matter of weeks, but now isn't looking that way. Oye, for the love.... I just want it done. We have been apart for long enough now that still being wed legally is like a reoccurring nightmare that makes me unable to move on with certain parts of my life. So by the time it's actually done, I will emotionally be so far removed from it, but on paper, the ink won't even be dry yet in some peoples eyes. It is what it is I suppose. Hopefully it's finished before the girls go to college. I'd actually like to be, dare I say it, friends with my soon to be ex spouse one day. I've known the man over half my life, so having it be this way is really the last thing I ever expected. I now see why people throw themselves a celebratory "I'm divorced" shindig! I will just probably grab a bucket of chicken with some oh so classy box of wine and go sit on a beach somewhere...but hey....who knows when that day will come.
I also didn't expect to have my longest relationship EVAH come to a tragic end at 30. My Jenny the Jeep (which has recently been named Smokey.) That green machine has been my ride or die for 9 years! We've done road trips, had a few very minor accidents and murdered some street rodents together. I lost her once on 6th ave too. She drove me to the hospital for both my labors. It was the first big girl purchase I ever made on my own to celebrate a promotion I had just received at work. You'll be greatly missed.
I 'm laying the foundation to a new life for the girls and myself and I guess in order to do that, everything must go! A garage sale of the mind and material things if you will. A good friend told me (in so many words) when all of this first started that I would be fine and come out ahead, but that things will have to get mighty difficult first. Boy was she right! Everything she has ever said has been spot on so far. The woman is truly gifted when it comes to her predictions, and if that's the case, I am beyond thrilled for my future! A great thing about 30 so far is simply just caring less about what others think. I'm happy, my kids are fantastic and I have strong friendships with so many wonderful people. All other things will just fall into place when the time is right. If it doesn't, thank goodness for fermented grapes and carbs!
However, one of the biggest shockers of 30ness so far happened when I was at the Dr's recently. I was just in for a routine check up and the Dr. starting talking to me about birth control. As we were discussing different options from what I currently have, she said............WELL NOW AT YOUR AGE AND WITH YOUR EXTREME FERTILITY, HAVE YOU CONSIDERED TYING YOUR TUBES??!! What the what? "At your age?!" I'm 30! I'm fairly certain I just felt my ovaries shrivel up and request to start cashing in on social security after hearing her say that. It's not that I plan to challenge the Duggar's and have a bazillion kids or anything, but still...
I'm still waiting...
So far 30 can go for a stroll into the woods and just stay there. Well, I kind of take that back. Not all parts of 30 are bad. I am as happy as a clam personally, it's just all the things that keep happening around me, trying to burst my bubble that can go take a hike. Trying to untie the knot and officially be divorced has been the biggest challenge since turning the 3-0. The big D is supposed to be finalized in a matter of weeks, but now isn't looking that way. Oye, for the love.... I just want it done. We have been apart for long enough now that still being wed legally is like a reoccurring nightmare that makes me unable to move on with certain parts of my life. So by the time it's actually done, I will emotionally be so far removed from it, but on paper, the ink won't even be dry yet in some peoples eyes. It is what it is I suppose. Hopefully it's finished before the girls go to college. I'd actually like to be, dare I say it, friends with my soon to be ex spouse one day. I've known the man over half my life, so having it be this way is really the last thing I ever expected. I now see why people throw themselves a celebratory "I'm divorced" shindig! I will just probably grab a bucket of chicken with some oh so classy box of wine and go sit on a beach somewhere...but hey....who knows when that day will come.
I also didn't expect to have my longest relationship EVAH come to a tragic end at 30. My Jenny the Jeep (which has recently been named Smokey.) That green machine has been my ride or die for 9 years! We've done road trips, had a few very minor accidents and murdered some street rodents together. I lost her once on 6th ave too. She drove me to the hospital for both my labors. It was the first big girl purchase I ever made on my own to celebrate a promotion I had just received at work. You'll be greatly missed.
I 'm laying the foundation to a new life for the girls and myself and I guess in order to do that, everything must go! A garage sale of the mind and material things if you will. A good friend told me (in so many words) when all of this first started that I would be fine and come out ahead, but that things will have to get mighty difficult first. Boy was she right! Everything she has ever said has been spot on so far. The woman is truly gifted when it comes to her predictions, and if that's the case, I am beyond thrilled for my future! A great thing about 30 so far is simply just caring less about what others think. I'm happy, my kids are fantastic and I have strong friendships with so many wonderful people. All other things will just fall into place when the time is right. If it doesn't, thank goodness for fermented grapes and carbs!
However, one of the biggest shockers of 30ness so far happened when I was at the Dr's recently. I was just in for a routine check up and the Dr. starting talking to me about birth control. As we were discussing different options from what I currently have, she said............WELL NOW AT YOUR AGE AND WITH YOUR EXTREME FERTILITY, HAVE YOU CONSIDERED TYING YOUR TUBES??!! What the what? "At your age?!" I'm 30! I'm fairly certain I just felt my ovaries shrivel up and request to start cashing in on social security after hearing her say that. It's not that I plan to challenge the Duggar's and have a bazillion kids or anything, but still...
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Soup & Salad
Leah the Grem Grem is sickly and was rather lethargic on the sofa. I don't like it when my littles are sick, but this is when she is so affectionate and calm that I don't mind it when she says "I wanna snuggie you on the couch Mama."
I leave her to make coffee and I look over to see Kaelyn laying a blanket on Leah and kissing her on the head. I notice she drew her a picture, brought out all her favorite stuffed animals and set up Leahs nightlight in the living room. It was pure sibling love. She whispered "I'm sorry you don't feel good sissy. I'll kiss you on the head because I don't want your germs." Kaelyn even made herself breakfast...which is a small slice of parenting heaven.
So we head to the store to get sickly supplies and things for dinner. Kaelyn wants soup. Since my oldest was so sweet to her sister I decided to let her pick which soup. I said we can have chicken noodle, corn and sausage chowder, or chicken tortilla. She picks the chowder. Sweet, that's what I want anyways. Just as I am about done getting what we need, Kaelyn wants the tortilla soup instead. Here we go! The fickle mind of a 5 year old. So there we were conveniently in the booze aisle, as she goes back and forth for what seems like an eternity over which soup I will make. Meanwhile im just looking at the bottle of Pinot thinking.....It's 5 o'clock somewhere, right!? Kidding. The only reason I was in that aisle was because right before, some sweet senior citizen ran us of the main drag when she crashed into my cart and smashed Kaelyn's finger. I pulled into the next aisle thinking it would be quiet in case Kaelyn needed to shed a few tears because who buys booze at 9:30am?! Oh well guess what?! Many Moms coming from school drop offs or still in their Lululemon attire from the gym were flooding it. I wanted to high five them all. Eventually we decide on dinner and head home.
Fast forward to dinnertime. Leah had been clung to me all afternoon like some fever ridden marsupial. Sweaty, snotty and sick-poor thing. Have you ever tried to chop six cups of potatoes and an onion while holding a healthy 2 year old? If the answer is no, I don't recommend it. Well as I go to serve the soup....which for some reason I made enough to feed a village when lets face it, I know I will be the only one that actually eats it, Kaelyn asks me for a salad. I said no but here's your soup. She asks for a salad again. I deny the request for a second time and put the soup in front of her. It wasn't until she asked for the third time that I thought HOLY CHIT this kid is asking me to eat salad! And I , her mother, am denying her! I don't know if it was because I was delirious from holding the marsupial baby all day, but how could I miss hearing that my kid asked for a freakin salad?! Those are vegetables ya'll, VEGETABLES! That kid has been eating plates of beige for far too long, so this is a huge deal in my house.
She ends up eating 3 helpings of salad and no soup. So as expected I was the only one that ate that. I don't even care though, the kid ate vegetables! Later she tells me she only did it for one reason....
She wanted to be a rabbit. Hey, whatever works.
I need this trend to continue. Those of you with kids that love veggies, how do you do it? And don't say you just cover it in cheese or hide it in the food. My kids are like mini vegetable detectives and could identify the "healthy secrets" within a casserole in seconds.
I leave her to make coffee and I look over to see Kaelyn laying a blanket on Leah and kissing her on the head. I notice she drew her a picture, brought out all her favorite stuffed animals and set up Leahs nightlight in the living room. It was pure sibling love. She whispered "I'm sorry you don't feel good sissy. I'll kiss you on the head because I don't want your germs." Kaelyn even made herself breakfast...which is a small slice of parenting heaven.
So we head to the store to get sickly supplies and things for dinner. Kaelyn wants soup. Since my oldest was so sweet to her sister I decided to let her pick which soup. I said we can have chicken noodle, corn and sausage chowder, or chicken tortilla. She picks the chowder. Sweet, that's what I want anyways. Just as I am about done getting what we need, Kaelyn wants the tortilla soup instead. Here we go! The fickle mind of a 5 year old. So there we were conveniently in the booze aisle, as she goes back and forth for what seems like an eternity over which soup I will make. Meanwhile im just looking at the bottle of Pinot thinking.....It's 5 o'clock somewhere, right!? Kidding. The only reason I was in that aisle was because right before, some sweet senior citizen ran us of the main drag when she crashed into my cart and smashed Kaelyn's finger. I pulled into the next aisle thinking it would be quiet in case Kaelyn needed to shed a few tears because who buys booze at 9:30am?! Oh well guess what?! Many Moms coming from school drop offs or still in their Lululemon attire from the gym were flooding it. I wanted to high five them all. Eventually we decide on dinner and head home.
Fast forward to dinnertime. Leah had been clung to me all afternoon like some fever ridden marsupial. Sweaty, snotty and sick-poor thing. Have you ever tried to chop six cups of potatoes and an onion while holding a healthy 2 year old? If the answer is no, I don't recommend it. Well as I go to serve the soup....which for some reason I made enough to feed a village when lets face it, I know I will be the only one that actually eats it, Kaelyn asks me for a salad. I said no but here's your soup. She asks for a salad again. I deny the request for a second time and put the soup in front of her. It wasn't until she asked for the third time that I thought HOLY CHIT this kid is asking me to eat salad! And I , her mother, am denying her! I don't know if it was because I was delirious from holding the marsupial baby all day, but how could I miss hearing that my kid asked for a freakin salad?! Those are vegetables ya'll, VEGETABLES! That kid has been eating plates of beige for far too long, so this is a huge deal in my house.
She ends up eating 3 helpings of salad and no soup. So as expected I was the only one that ate that. I don't even care though, the kid ate vegetables! Later she tells me she only did it for one reason....
She wanted to be a rabbit. Hey, whatever works.
I need this trend to continue. Those of you with kids that love veggies, how do you do it? And don't say you just cover it in cheese or hide it in the food. My kids are like mini vegetable detectives and could identify the "healthy secrets" within a casserole in seconds.
Saturday, August 23, 2014
Tiny Strength
Last night, not long after putting the girls to bed I hear sobs coming from Kaelyn's room. I walk in and see her hugging an old picture of her dad and I back from when we first started dating. She was mumbling something, but I wasn't close enough to hear what she was saying. I was frozen in her doorway trying to think of the best way to handle this and trying not to get emotional myself. Well, at least not in front of her. I walk over lay down beside her and ask her what's wrong. She turns to face me, and with her little raspy voice and tear soaked face says- " I just want my Dad to come back. I want you guys to marry each other all day Mom. Can you just marry each other all day again? I love my Dad, and I love you so much. Can you please hug each other?"
My heart sank.
She starts crying a little more. I have silent tears I am trying to hide while I hug her tight. She wraps her arms around me, kissed my cheek, and said- "Thanks for being my happy Mom. I super love you." That's when I broke down. I know that as a parent you need to be strong in certain situations for the sake of your kids, but in this moment I just couldn't. So there we were crying together in her tiny twin bed that once belonged to her Dad as a kid, and I couldn't find a single word to say besides "I know sweetie." All I could do was cry. It was probably one of, if not the rawest moment I've ever had as a parent, maybe as an adult all together. The way she hugged me was so strong, so protective, yet so heartbreaking. In that moment she wasn't just my first born baby girl, she was my rock. I could feel both pain and love passing between us as we laid there together. She seemed so much older in this moment. She showed such strength, such maturity, while still expressing such love. I knew then that it was ok that I wasn't able to find the right words to say. I was able to say sorry, tell her I love her, and assure her that everything would eventually be ok without speaking a word.
I know that kids go through certain stages of grief during a divorce, and I've done my research on how to handle these moments. I was also in her exact spot as a kid myself. However, no amount of reading or notes taken during a parenting class would have prepared me for last night. It's one thing to read something in a book and another to actually be in the moment. I have explained things to her in many ways regarding the situation with her Dad and I. She is aware that she is loved, but it's inevitable that she will feel some hurt as we deal with this. I need to accept that and just continue to do my best to help her process it in order to get her through this change in life.
Did I handle this situation right? Ya know, I'm not sure if there really is an absolute "right way" to handle moments like that. There's a wrong way. But when it comes to what is right, there's definitely some gray area.
My heart sank.
She starts crying a little more. I have silent tears I am trying to hide while I hug her tight. She wraps her arms around me, kissed my cheek, and said- "Thanks for being my happy Mom. I super love you." That's when I broke down. I know that as a parent you need to be strong in certain situations for the sake of your kids, but in this moment I just couldn't. So there we were crying together in her tiny twin bed that once belonged to her Dad as a kid, and I couldn't find a single word to say besides "I know sweetie." All I could do was cry. It was probably one of, if not the rawest moment I've ever had as a parent, maybe as an adult all together. The way she hugged me was so strong, so protective, yet so heartbreaking. In that moment she wasn't just my first born baby girl, she was my rock. I could feel both pain and love passing between us as we laid there together. She seemed so much older in this moment. She showed such strength, such maturity, while still expressing such love. I knew then that it was ok that I wasn't able to find the right words to say. I was able to say sorry, tell her I love her, and assure her that everything would eventually be ok without speaking a word.
I know that kids go through certain stages of grief during a divorce, and I've done my research on how to handle these moments. I was also in her exact spot as a kid myself. However, no amount of reading or notes taken during a parenting class would have prepared me for last night. It's one thing to read something in a book and another to actually be in the moment. I have explained things to her in many ways regarding the situation with her Dad and I. She is aware that she is loved, but it's inevitable that she will feel some hurt as we deal with this. I need to accept that and just continue to do my best to help her process it in order to get her through this change in life.
Did I handle this situation right? Ya know, I'm not sure if there really is an absolute "right way" to handle moments like that. There's a wrong way. But when it comes to what is right, there's definitely some gray area.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Being 5 And So Alive! Happy Birthday Kiddo!
Dear Kaelyn,
Happy Birthday bug! Hard to believe you're 5! I know people say this all of the time, but it really does feel like yesterday that I was resting smoothies and snacks on my giant belly, just killing time waiting for you to arrive! I remember the day after you were due, crying to my mid-wife that you just needed to get here already. Not only was I fat and uncomfortable, everyday you were late was a day less your Dad was able to spend with you before he left the country. She worked some magic and that night I went into labor. Your Dad was watching a Mariner's game that just so happened to go into extra innings- 16 to be exact. Ken Griffey Jr. was up to bat and that's when I told your Dad we HHHAAAAAAD to leave right that second. From the time we left the house and got into the car, Griffey won the game for us 1-0 in the bottom of the inning. That game made history for the Mariners and your Dad loves baseball, so he was pretty bummed to miss that play. But I was just certain you were about to fall out any second. Little did I know you would wait hours and hours before deciding to enter this world!
I'm sure you inherited my stubborn streak.
August 13th was the day you chose to make your grand entrance. Which happens to be one year to the day that your Dad and I lost our very first baby. You turned a sad day into such a lovely one for us sweetie, so thank you. You also share birthdays with two of your Great-Great Grandmothers. So even though I was dying to get you out weeks earlier, you picked a great day to be born.
In the past 5 years you have been my world. We spent your entire first year alone, just the two of us. For such a small human back then, you carried so much strength. I'm very strong, but I looked to you often when I would have bad days and you always made it better. Holding you, hugging you, hearing you laugh or just watching you sleep would always give me the pick me up I needed. I am forever grateful for the joy you've brought into my life, and am so thankful that ahead lies a lifetime of making memories with you. Living so full of love, laughter and fingers crossed- pooping alone on the toilet....for both of us actually. Bathroom privacy, or lack of, is something most moms miss. We also love the moment our kids are self sufficient on the throne in regards to #2. When you're a teen and get mad at me for saying no to something (trust me all kids do this) just remember....I've had your bodily fluids on my bare hands more times than I'd like to ever admit, so it's within my "Mom rights" to say no every so often.
You are always the silly, kind, goofy kid that gets along with everyone. Your raspy little voice always makes people laugh and you have such a creative imagination. I love watching your little mind work.
Because I love you so much, I wish I could be a sponge for you that absorbs any pain you may experience in life, especially with the major transitions happening for us right now. However, I know being a good parent doesn't mean shielding you from every hard time life throws your way. I just hope at the very least, you feel 10x the amount of love as you ever do pain. I know you are too young to understand the why's behind all that's happening right now. Regardless of it all, your Dad and I love you and your sister so much and will always find a way to work together to benefit the well being of you both.
Thank you for hiding stuffed animals in my bed so I don't have to sleep alone when you are away and the house is empty. Thank you for always waking up and being so cheerful, saying things like "Wake up! It's a good morning day!" Thank you for growing so fast. I'm sure you'll be taller than me soon, which is good. I could really use some help reaching the upper shelves. Most important of all, thank you for just being. Your existence alone is such a gift in itself.
I hope you read all the letters I've written you one day. Your Gigi did the same for me, and I hold those so close to my heart. You and your sister are all I'll ever need. The two of you complete me in a way I never thought possible. When you have little midgets of your own, you'll understand exactly what I'm saying. I hope you continue to grow with your chin up, some sass in your pants, and with kindness in your heart.
It's been an honor being your Mom thus far and I am so excited for what our future holds. I super love you kiddo.
Happy Birthday bug! Hard to believe you're 5! I know people say this all of the time, but it really does feel like yesterday that I was resting smoothies and snacks on my giant belly, just killing time waiting for you to arrive! I remember the day after you were due, crying to my mid-wife that you just needed to get here already. Not only was I fat and uncomfortable, everyday you were late was a day less your Dad was able to spend with you before he left the country. She worked some magic and that night I went into labor. Your Dad was watching a Mariner's game that just so happened to go into extra innings- 16 to be exact. Ken Griffey Jr. was up to bat and that's when I told your Dad we HHHAAAAAAD to leave right that second. From the time we left the house and got into the car, Griffey won the game for us 1-0 in the bottom of the inning. That game made history for the Mariners and your Dad loves baseball, so he was pretty bummed to miss that play. But I was just certain you were about to fall out any second. Little did I know you would wait hours and hours before deciding to enter this world!
I'm sure you inherited my stubborn streak.
August 13th was the day you chose to make your grand entrance. Which happens to be one year to the day that your Dad and I lost our very first baby. You turned a sad day into such a lovely one for us sweetie, so thank you. You also share birthdays with two of your Great-Great Grandmothers. So even though I was dying to get you out weeks earlier, you picked a great day to be born.
In the past 5 years you have been my world. We spent your entire first year alone, just the two of us. For such a small human back then, you carried so much strength. I'm very strong, but I looked to you often when I would have bad days and you always made it better. Holding you, hugging you, hearing you laugh or just watching you sleep would always give me the pick me up I needed. I am forever grateful for the joy you've brought into my life, and am so thankful that ahead lies a lifetime of making memories with you. Living so full of love, laughter and fingers crossed- pooping alone on the toilet....for both of us actually. Bathroom privacy, or lack of, is something most moms miss. We also love the moment our kids are self sufficient on the throne in regards to #2. When you're a teen and get mad at me for saying no to something (trust me all kids do this) just remember....I've had your bodily fluids on my bare hands more times than I'd like to ever admit, so it's within my "Mom rights" to say no every so often.
You are always the silly, kind, goofy kid that gets along with everyone. Your raspy little voice always makes people laugh and you have such a creative imagination. I love watching your little mind work.
Because I love you so much, I wish I could be a sponge for you that absorbs any pain you may experience in life, especially with the major transitions happening for us right now. However, I know being a good parent doesn't mean shielding you from every hard time life throws your way. I just hope at the very least, you feel 10x the amount of love as you ever do pain. I know you are too young to understand the why's behind all that's happening right now. Regardless of it all, your Dad and I love you and your sister so much and will always find a way to work together to benefit the well being of you both.
Thank you for hiding stuffed animals in my bed so I don't have to sleep alone when you are away and the house is empty. Thank you for always waking up and being so cheerful, saying things like "Wake up! It's a good morning day!" Thank you for growing so fast. I'm sure you'll be taller than me soon, which is good. I could really use some help reaching the upper shelves. Most important of all, thank you for just being. Your existence alone is such a gift in itself.
I hope you read all the letters I've written you one day. Your Gigi did the same for me, and I hold those so close to my heart. You and your sister are all I'll ever need. The two of you complete me in a way I never thought possible. When you have little midgets of your own, you'll understand exactly what I'm saying. I hope you continue to grow with your chin up, some sass in your pants, and with kindness in your heart.
It's been an honor being your Mom thus far and I am so excited for what our future holds. I super love you kiddo.
Sunday, August 10, 2014
When Life Gives You A Ladder- Make Cobbler
"Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know." -Pema Chodron
I've seen this quote around a few times lately, so it caught my attention given the whirlwind of crap happening these days. While it may be a very true statement, if we are always learning, does that mean nothing ever really goes away? This can be good or bad, depending on circumstances. It can be people, places or things. Lately, I've often wondered what I'm being taught during this phase in my life. It seems like whenever I turn around something else is happening. Certain things just won't go away, both positive and negative, past and present. I would really like to give props to my sarcastic sense of humor and German genes for keeping me tough and relatively sane. Without those two things, I'm pretty sure I would be within the confines of some secret hideout somewhere, just waiting for this life storm to pass. My littles are also a huge motivator in keeping me solid during all of this craziness, but that's a given. I love those little shits to the end of the earth and beyond!
Today I was given a good example for what that quote can mean to someone.
A few years ago, after buying our house, someone (who shall remain nameless) just had to buy this GIANT 40ft ladder off of a friend of ours. I remember it was at a time when money was tight, so I felt it was a pointless purchase. The ladder arrived at our house, prior to purchase, because it was used to rescue our cat that was trapped high up in a tree. Prince, our newly adopted beast dog was to blame for the cat in the tree scenario. That is when we found out he was less than willing to tolerate other animals.
That was also the ONLY time that ladder has ever been used.
The ladders permanent resting place is on some hooks alongside our fence, right outside the master bedroom window no less. Not only was I against the purchase of the thing to begin with, I've had to stare at it daily for nearly 4 years now. Last year I noticed some blackberry bushes starting to wrap around the ladder. I was instantly annoyed because obviously, it has no use here. Today I woke up sad because I was in an empty house, for the second night in a row and I just wanted to be with my girls. That's when I happened to look out my window and noticed all kinds of plump blackberries ready for pickin!
So you know what I'm gonna do? Pick them and make a cobbler. Why? Because I may hate that ladder, but I fucking love me some cobbler!! Those berries wouldn't be there without that big hunk of metal hanging on my fence. What did I learn from this? That sometimes something you don't like or don't see having a purpose can change into something useful given time. I know it's just a stupid ladder, but really....... is that some irony or what?
So now that I've learned what I've needed to from that thing, it can go. Ladder anyone? Because I'm keeping the cobbler for myself.
I've seen this quote around a few times lately, so it caught my attention given the whirlwind of crap happening these days. While it may be a very true statement, if we are always learning, does that mean nothing ever really goes away? This can be good or bad, depending on circumstances. It can be people, places or things. Lately, I've often wondered what I'm being taught during this phase in my life. It seems like whenever I turn around something else is happening. Certain things just won't go away, both positive and negative, past and present. I would really like to give props to my sarcastic sense of humor and German genes for keeping me tough and relatively sane. Without those two things, I'm pretty sure I would be within the confines of some secret hideout somewhere, just waiting for this life storm to pass. My littles are also a huge motivator in keeping me solid during all of this craziness, but that's a given. I love those little shits to the end of the earth and beyond!
Today I was given a good example for what that quote can mean to someone.
A few years ago, after buying our house, someone (who shall remain nameless) just had to buy this GIANT 40ft ladder off of a friend of ours. I remember it was at a time when money was tight, so I felt it was a pointless purchase. The ladder arrived at our house, prior to purchase, because it was used to rescue our cat that was trapped high up in a tree. Prince, our newly adopted beast dog was to blame for the cat in the tree scenario. That is when we found out he was less than willing to tolerate other animals.
That was also the ONLY time that ladder has ever been used.
The ladders permanent resting place is on some hooks alongside our fence, right outside the master bedroom window no less. Not only was I against the purchase of the thing to begin with, I've had to stare at it daily for nearly 4 years now. Last year I noticed some blackberry bushes starting to wrap around the ladder. I was instantly annoyed because obviously, it has no use here. Today I woke up sad because I was in an empty house, for the second night in a row and I just wanted to be with my girls. That's when I happened to look out my window and noticed all kinds of plump blackberries ready for pickin!
So you know what I'm gonna do? Pick them and make a cobbler. Why? Because I may hate that ladder, but I fucking love me some cobbler!! Those berries wouldn't be there without that big hunk of metal hanging on my fence. What did I learn from this? That sometimes something you don't like or don't see having a purpose can change into something useful given time. I know it's just a stupid ladder, but really....... is that some irony or what?
So now that I've learned what I've needed to from that thing, it can go. Ladder anyone? Because I'm keeping the cobbler for myself.
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
JAM-July Awareness Month....
The month of July has been full of random life lessons and new discoveries.... Here are some of the random things I have come to realize, learn, or unearth this past month.
Never buy value sized anything when you have small hands and are single. Not only do I have kid size hands, they hold the strength of an 85 year old woman. Opening any sort of large jar or container is now a thing of the past for me. Somewhat of a bummer seeing that value sized generally is a better deal moneywise. We all know how I like to get the biggest bang for my buck.
There's another type of value sized/biggest bang for your buck when one is single, but that's an ENTIRELY different kind of blog post folks.
I was so proud of my biggest little for learning to pee in the woods last week. It's a right of passage that all kids must learn this at some point. Shoot, I grew up playing in the woods so it was imperative that I knew how to properly squat. That proud moment faded just slightly when we were playing outside in our front yard over the weekend with some of the neighborhood kids. I told Kaelyn to stop playing and go potty. Her reply- Sure Mom, which tree?!?
I guess I should explain that we only pee in the trees when public bathrooms are locked or we are on a wilderness adventure. Or if you happen to be playing in the woods with your friends and they are pretending to hold you hostage for your pickles. That last statement is pretty random.....but that did happen to me as kid. Pickles are the shit, so I don't blame my friends for wanting them.
I always thought it was so precious to see parents carry their kids to bed after they fell asleep in the car or on the couch. They NEVER seem to wake up, and the act of carrying them looks so graceful and effortless. Insert me- borderline midget Mom. If Leah falls asleep, I can easily transport her but once I get to the crib i'm not tall enough to gracefully lay her in there. This usually doesn't end well. I gently whisper "just tuck and roll sweetie" and hope for the best! Kidding, I don't really say that... I think it.
Kaelyn fell asleep on the sofa the other night and I attempted to carry her to bed. I'm only 5ft tall and she is probably only a foot and a half shorter than me. So instead of the effortless looking carry to bed, it looked like I was pretty much dragging a lifeless body down my hall. Her feet were almost touching the floor and I think I tripped over 3 things during my struggle walk to her room. I saw those items earlier, prior to bedtime, but in true parent form....didn't clean them up then. By the time I dumped (yes dumped, there was nothing effortless about this) her on the bed, I laid down next to her out of breath and pissed off for stubbing my toe. Grace and not in my vocab. Well it is, but only because that happens to be the Grems middle name!
Smokey Robinson- AKA- My soon to be lifeless Jeep has recently been smoking out of the exhaust. I know-I know, I need to get it to a mechanic. New motor....blah blah. In the meantime, the only perk is that nobody tailgates me anymore! If they do they get a nice plume of smoke when I take off from a stoplight. I'm like that mean friend in high school that would blow smoke in your face if you chose to not partake in smoking your parents old cigarettes that you would find outside. However, my best friend and I did smoke my moms half used cigarettes as teens...in the woods....where we had to squat to pee. Pretty sure doing that back then is the reason I don't smoke now. Gross.
Anyhoo- July awareness month has been really peachy so far.
Never buy value sized anything when you have small hands and are single. Not only do I have kid size hands, they hold the strength of an 85 year old woman. Opening any sort of large jar or container is now a thing of the past for me. Somewhat of a bummer seeing that value sized generally is a better deal moneywise. We all know how I like to get the biggest bang for my buck.
There's another type of value sized/biggest bang for your buck when one is single, but that's an ENTIRELY different kind of blog post folks.
I was so proud of my biggest little for learning to pee in the woods last week. It's a right of passage that all kids must learn this at some point. Shoot, I grew up playing in the woods so it was imperative that I knew how to properly squat. That proud moment faded just slightly when we were playing outside in our front yard over the weekend with some of the neighborhood kids. I told Kaelyn to stop playing and go potty. Her reply- Sure Mom, which tree?!?
I guess I should explain that we only pee in the trees when public bathrooms are locked or we are on a wilderness adventure. Or if you happen to be playing in the woods with your friends and they are pretending to hold you hostage for your pickles. That last statement is pretty random.....but that did happen to me as kid. Pickles are the shit, so I don't blame my friends for wanting them.
I always thought it was so precious to see parents carry their kids to bed after they fell asleep in the car or on the couch. They NEVER seem to wake up, and the act of carrying them looks so graceful and effortless. Insert me- borderline midget Mom. If Leah falls asleep, I can easily transport her but once I get to the crib i'm not tall enough to gracefully lay her in there. This usually doesn't end well. I gently whisper "just tuck and roll sweetie" and hope for the best! Kidding, I don't really say that... I think it.
Kaelyn fell asleep on the sofa the other night and I attempted to carry her to bed. I'm only 5ft tall and she is probably only a foot and a half shorter than me. So instead of the effortless looking carry to bed, it looked like I was pretty much dragging a lifeless body down my hall. Her feet were almost touching the floor and I think I tripped over 3 things during my struggle walk to her room. I saw those items earlier, prior to bedtime, but in true parent form....didn't clean them up then. By the time I dumped (yes dumped, there was nothing effortless about this) her on the bed, I laid down next to her out of breath and pissed off for stubbing my toe. Grace and not in my vocab. Well it is, but only because that happens to be the Grems middle name!
Smokey Robinson- AKA- My soon to be lifeless Jeep has recently been smoking out of the exhaust. I know-I know, I need to get it to a mechanic. New motor....blah blah. In the meantime, the only perk is that nobody tailgates me anymore! If they do they get a nice plume of smoke when I take off from a stoplight. I'm like that mean friend in high school that would blow smoke in your face if you chose to not partake in smoking your parents old cigarettes that you would find outside. However, my best friend and I did smoke my moms half used cigarettes as teens...in the woods....where we had to squat to pee. Pretty sure doing that back then is the reason I don't smoke now. Gross.
Anyhoo- July awareness month has been really peachy so far.
Friday, July 18, 2014
Boxed Wine & A Bucket of Chicken
A few summers ago, some girlfriends and I had the stellar idea to spend an evening at the beach. Complete with boxed wine and a bucket of chicken from KFC. Laugh all you want, but people thought we were brilliant when they saw that we removed the bag of wine from the box and placed it into the sound to keep it chilled! It was such a fun and relaxing night, even if we had to pee in the woods. We vowed to do it annually.
Fast forward to circa now. Well yesterday to be exact. The kids and I head down to the beach to meet my Sister Wife for our fun filled evening of chicken, boxed wine, and park playtime. Easy right? Wrong!!! This particular area has recently been upgraded to a spray park with a nice playground, which I have never been to. We park and wait for wife to show. Turns out we parked in the wrong spot, far away from where we needed to be. Literally over the river and through the woods. This is important to remember as I continue on with what unfolded over the next 5 minutes, which felt like a mini lifetime.
Girls start to fight because they are stepping on each others shadows on the sidewalk. One spits on the other. I do nothing about it because I am mid text to Sister Wife trying to figure out where she is and where we need to be. Random passerby stares because Leah let out a Gremlin grunt. It's past feeding time for all of us so tensions are starting to rise and I felt a kid meltdown coming on if I didn't let their grimy little hands into that bucket of chicken ASAP! Just as I figure out where we need to be, I see two ladies walking my way in long skirts and I just know......
Skirts- "Hi there. We are with the The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints."
Me- Loooooonnnngggg silent pause. Like LLLLLLOOOOONNNNG pause. Not to be rude, I just thought they were going to continue on with their spiel. They didn't. We stared for a minute and finally I just said. "Oh, that's nice."
Skirts- "We would love to discuss the word of Jesus Christ and invite you to hear more about it."
(Leah grunts, and Kaelyn starts tugging on my arm. I hear her say Mommy, I don't feel good.)
Me- I'm sorry but we are running late for dinner and my daughter just said she isn't feeling too hot, so we have to go.
Skirts- "Well we just wanted to inform you, and invite you....... " They were suddenly cut off by my kid.
Kaelyn- "Mommy I think I'm going to throw up!"
We start walking away. I really don't believe that Kaelyn is sick since she was fine all day prior. I thought she was just doing me a solid with the skirts and saw the hunger in my eyes, knowing I needed my hand in that bucket of chicken ASAP as well. The skirts start trailing behind me, man these chicks are relentless! That's when Kaelyn puked. I didn't notice at first, because I was trying to get over the river and through the woods to my dinner. Then she puked again. So there we were.... A manic Mother figure, a Gremlin, and a puke walker. All being stalked by the LDS skirt girls. If the big man was going to throw down a bucket of chicken and some baby wipes for clean up, maybe their conversation could've continued on a bit longer. But sick kids and hunger trump sidewalk chats about religion ladies.
We finally reach our destination, and the kids magically decide they aren't hungry. How sweet of them. They play around for awhile and we are all finally relaxed and having fun. It starts to get late, but its summer so who really cares?! Not this mom. Everything is just grand, then the security guard comes to lock up the bathrooms for the night. This is another thing that's important to remember. Shortly after he leaves, someone shouts that there is poop on the slide. We inspect and assume its mud. Rule #1- never assume. Just like rule #1 in my dating blog post. Rule #1 will always apply to both men and trying to decipher bodily functions. Still thinking its mud, I grab some wipes and clean it up. As im walking to the garbage the wind blows and I get the whiff. So much for thinking it was mud. Bathrooms are all locked up now too. Crap. Not even 5 minutes later Kaelyn has to pee. Again, bathrooms are locked up. So I take her behind a tree and teach her how to squat like a lady in the woods.
So there ya have it.... All we wanted to do was relive our lovely boxed wine, bucket of chicken evening from summers ago. But when you add two kids in the mix, you get a little puke, a whole lot of chaos, and 2 generations of ladies squatting to pee in the woods.
Fast forward to circa now. Well yesterday to be exact. The kids and I head down to the beach to meet my Sister Wife for our fun filled evening of chicken, boxed wine, and park playtime. Easy right? Wrong!!! This particular area has recently been upgraded to a spray park with a nice playground, which I have never been to. We park and wait for wife to show. Turns out we parked in the wrong spot, far away from where we needed to be. Literally over the river and through the woods. This is important to remember as I continue on with what unfolded over the next 5 minutes, which felt like a mini lifetime.
Girls start to fight because they are stepping on each others shadows on the sidewalk. One spits on the other. I do nothing about it because I am mid text to Sister Wife trying to figure out where she is and where we need to be. Random passerby stares because Leah let out a Gremlin grunt. It's past feeding time for all of us so tensions are starting to rise and I felt a kid meltdown coming on if I didn't let their grimy little hands into that bucket of chicken ASAP! Just as I figure out where we need to be, I see two ladies walking my way in long skirts and I just know......
Skirts- "Hi there. We are with the The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints."
Me- Loooooonnnngggg silent pause. Like LLLLLLOOOOONNNNG pause. Not to be rude, I just thought they were going to continue on with their spiel. They didn't. We stared for a minute and finally I just said. "Oh, that's nice."
Skirts- "We would love to discuss the word of Jesus Christ and invite you to hear more about it."
(Leah grunts, and Kaelyn starts tugging on my arm. I hear her say Mommy, I don't feel good.)
Me- I'm sorry but we are running late for dinner and my daughter just said she isn't feeling too hot, so we have to go.
Skirts- "Well we just wanted to inform you, and invite you....... " They were suddenly cut off by my kid.
Kaelyn- "Mommy I think I'm going to throw up!"
We start walking away. I really don't believe that Kaelyn is sick since she was fine all day prior. I thought she was just doing me a solid with the skirts and saw the hunger in my eyes, knowing I needed my hand in that bucket of chicken ASAP as well. The skirts start trailing behind me, man these chicks are relentless! That's when Kaelyn puked. I didn't notice at first, because I was trying to get over the river and through the woods to my dinner. Then she puked again. So there we were.... A manic Mother figure, a Gremlin, and a puke walker. All being stalked by the LDS skirt girls. If the big man was going to throw down a bucket of chicken and some baby wipes for clean up, maybe their conversation could've continued on a bit longer. But sick kids and hunger trump sidewalk chats about religion ladies.
We finally reach our destination, and the kids magically decide they aren't hungry. How sweet of them. They play around for awhile and we are all finally relaxed and having fun. It starts to get late, but its summer so who really cares?! Not this mom. Everything is just grand, then the security guard comes to lock up the bathrooms for the night. This is another thing that's important to remember. Shortly after he leaves, someone shouts that there is poop on the slide. We inspect and assume its mud. Rule #1- never assume. Just like rule #1 in my dating blog post. Rule #1 will always apply to both men and trying to decipher bodily functions. Still thinking its mud, I grab some wipes and clean it up. As im walking to the garbage the wind blows and I get the whiff. So much for thinking it was mud. Bathrooms are all locked up now too. Crap. Not even 5 minutes later Kaelyn has to pee. Again, bathrooms are locked up. So I take her behind a tree and teach her how to squat like a lady in the woods.
So there ya have it.... All we wanted to do was relive our lovely boxed wine, bucket of chicken evening from summers ago. But when you add two kids in the mix, you get a little puke, a whole lot of chaos, and 2 generations of ladies squatting to pee in the woods.
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Match.wrong- Learning The Rules of Dating
I'm coming to the realization that I am going to be an extremely awkward dater. For one, I just don't get it. Maybe it's due to the fact that I missed the dating boat at a young age because I was in a relationship that turned into a marriage for the majority of my twenties. Who knows. The thought of going out there and actively trying to meet someone just seems pitiful, tiring and simply not fun. I don't like attention in that way and while I may be very outgoing, I am confident that when it comes to dating I will be very socially awkward. Besides, I think I need to brush up on my dating resume. I am in the thick of raising my littles while going through a seemingly long divorce process. Since that consumes 90% of my time, I am pretty sure I would be a real conversation killer! I think I have been on two dates in my ENTIRE life with people I didn't somehow know prior, and one was fairly recent. The first one was in my early twenties. He was a customer that I helped at work one day that I ended up running into often around town. During our date he asked me if I was ok seeing a man that had to disappear from time to time with no notice. Ummmmm?? Can ya clarify there buddy? On the way back from dinner, he was driving his brand new BMW which happened to be a stick shift. I mentioned that I haven't driven a manual since I was 16. He offered to let me drive, I declined. That's when this fool tried to fake a heart attack on the road and make me drive his BRAND NEW FULLY LOADED BMW! Full on traffic piling up behind us while he just yelled at me-"What are you going to do Kendra! This is a crisis, drive the car!"
There was no second date. Obviously.
The second was fairly recent. I was set up on a blind date. **Disclaimer- There was nothing wrong with this man, he was actually really nice, just not much chemistry. The issue was all me and my intense need for food.**
We meet. He asked me out and set the time and place. Since I am new to dating I assumed we would be eating since it was around dinner time. RULE #1- never assume. I was so nervous beforehand that I almost puked on the way to meet him. I was sweating and just wanted to turn around and go home. I actually had to be talked into going by my sister and cousin. Maybe I did it for them, who knows, but I was a nervous wreck! We meet at one of my favorite bars, grab a drink and then head to the next place where I assume we will eat. Again, see RULE#1. As the night went on without nourishment, I didn't even know what he is saying because I was so hungry. I was picturing his face as a taco, a burger, pizza....any sort of carb that I could devour in seconds to make me feel human again. It wasn't that I was expecting HIM to buy me dinner, I would've done that myself. Everywhere we went didn't have food! By the time he caught onto my hunger face, it was time for me to go home. I've got kids, can't be out all night ya'll. Can't a dude warn a gal if we aren't going to eat? I may be little, but I love me some grub.
No second date there either.
The most recent wasn't even a date. Pretty sure I am getting worse as time goes on. I was out watching the World Cup and met up with my sister and a friend. It was a hot day and we were table sharing with some randoms in a beer garden. On a whim my friend said "Introduce ourselves to these guys. Ready. Set. Go!" I get to talking with one that was actually pretty good looking. Turns out we both have the same type of dog. After showing pictures he mentioned that he frequents a dog park near my house and that we should get the dogs together sometime. I reply with- My dog will kill other animals, we don't do dog parks. Poor guy tries again saying... Well my dog is pretty big, we can give it a shot. I reiterate by saying.. I don't think you get it. My dog will KKKKIIIIIILLLLLLLLL other animals. Like maul them. No joke. After the third time of me saying that, he and his friend just got up and left. No goodbye, nothing. It confused me because I could tell he was interested. That's when I learned about RULE #2- read between the lines. Homeboy Ron, Juan, whatever his name was didn't give two poops about the dogs, it was a way for us to meet up.
Not even a first date there.
I decided to up my game today. When a very nice looking and I mean very nice looking man glanced at me in the grocery store, I pretended to not notice. Then when he did the walk past, turnaround and smile at me move I GLARED AT HIM! I glared at the poor, innocent, good looking man for smiling at me! I was so into picking out my produce and pushing my kids around in that giant fire truck cart that's 10 times my size, that I couldn't even smile at a hottie. Someone slap me!
He even had a beard. I love beards.
Don't even get me started on the whole online dating thing. I really, really, really don't get that one. I've heard so many horror stories. I actually find them humorous since they didn't happen to me, but still.....not appealing at all. One of my favorite people of all time did the online thing and then would blog about it after. That was some golden reading material if you ask me! Another good friend of mine did the online thing for awhile while living in Seattle, and had some real interesting tales. The best was going on a double date and the guys showed up in matching shirts that were different colors. The plot thickened when he went on about his obsession with ferrets. Claiming they were just like cats that haven't grown up. He owned many and juggled them. Yes, you read that right, juggled them. They then went to some show where he got so into whoever was preforming that he kept doing high kicks. He didn't have a phone, so he asked my friend if he could keep in contact via email..
His email went into the trash folder for sure.
How she got matched up with him I will never know. She is normal. Talk about Match.wrong.
So you see, the thought of having to pay a babysitter $10 an hour to take a chance on a ferret loving high-kicker seems absolutely awful to me. I would much rather be around my favorite people drinking boxed wine and laughing so hard that I cry, or be with my kids.
There was no second date. Obviously.
The second was fairly recent. I was set up on a blind date. **Disclaimer- There was nothing wrong with this man, he was actually really nice, just not much chemistry. The issue was all me and my intense need for food.**
We meet. He asked me out and set the time and place. Since I am new to dating I assumed we would be eating since it was around dinner time. RULE #1- never assume. I was so nervous beforehand that I almost puked on the way to meet him. I was sweating and just wanted to turn around and go home. I actually had to be talked into going by my sister and cousin. Maybe I did it for them, who knows, but I was a nervous wreck! We meet at one of my favorite bars, grab a drink and then head to the next place where I assume we will eat. Again, see RULE#1. As the night went on without nourishment, I didn't even know what he is saying because I was so hungry. I was picturing his face as a taco, a burger, pizza....any sort of carb that I could devour in seconds to make me feel human again. It wasn't that I was expecting HIM to buy me dinner, I would've done that myself. Everywhere we went didn't have food! By the time he caught onto my hunger face, it was time for me to go home. I've got kids, can't be out all night ya'll. Can't a dude warn a gal if we aren't going to eat? I may be little, but I love me some grub.
No second date there either.
The most recent wasn't even a date. Pretty sure I am getting worse as time goes on. I was out watching the World Cup and met up with my sister and a friend. It was a hot day and we were table sharing with some randoms in a beer garden. On a whim my friend said "Introduce ourselves to these guys. Ready. Set. Go!" I get to talking with one that was actually pretty good looking. Turns out we both have the same type of dog. After showing pictures he mentioned that he frequents a dog park near my house and that we should get the dogs together sometime. I reply with- My dog will kill other animals, we don't do dog parks. Poor guy tries again saying... Well my dog is pretty big, we can give it a shot. I reiterate by saying.. I don't think you get it. My dog will KKKKIIIIIILLLLLLLLL other animals. Like maul them. No joke. After the third time of me saying that, he and his friend just got up and left. No goodbye, nothing. It confused me because I could tell he was interested. That's when I learned about RULE #2- read between the lines. Homeboy Ron, Juan, whatever his name was didn't give two poops about the dogs, it was a way for us to meet up.
Not even a first date there.
I decided to up my game today. When a very nice looking and I mean very nice looking man glanced at me in the grocery store, I pretended to not notice. Then when he did the walk past, turnaround and smile at me move I GLARED AT HIM! I glared at the poor, innocent, good looking man for smiling at me! I was so into picking out my produce and pushing my kids around in that giant fire truck cart that's 10 times my size, that I couldn't even smile at a hottie. Someone slap me!
He even had a beard. I love beards.
Don't even get me started on the whole online dating thing. I really, really, really don't get that one. I've heard so many horror stories. I actually find them humorous since they didn't happen to me, but still.....not appealing at all. One of my favorite people of all time did the online thing and then would blog about it after. That was some golden reading material if you ask me! Another good friend of mine did the online thing for awhile while living in Seattle, and had some real interesting tales. The best was going on a double date and the guys showed up in matching shirts that were different colors. The plot thickened when he went on about his obsession with ferrets. Claiming they were just like cats that haven't grown up. He owned many and juggled them. Yes, you read that right, juggled them. They then went to some show where he got so into whoever was preforming that he kept doing high kicks. He didn't have a phone, so he asked my friend if he could keep in contact via email..
His email went into the trash folder for sure.
How she got matched up with him I will never know. She is normal. Talk about Match.wrong.
So you see, the thought of having to pay a babysitter $10 an hour to take a chance on a ferret loving high-kicker seems absolutely awful to me. I would much rather be around my favorite people drinking boxed wine and laughing so hard that I cry, or be with my kids.
Monday, June 16, 2014
The Range of Change
Change.
Like a lot of things in life, change can be good or bad, welcomed or uninvited. Change doesn't really give a damn if you are ready for it or not. Sure our actions can speed up the process or the outcome of certain changes, but at the end of the day we never have total control.
Ugh, control....another word I have beef with.
With so many changes coming my way i'm really starting to feel torn. Literally. Half of me feels so wonderful, free, and excited for all the amazing things down the road. However, the other half feels like its buried under so many layers of shit, that it won't be seeing the light at the end of the tunnel anytime soon. Trying to get these two sides to meet in the middle and join forces is like trying to get my almost 5 year old to wipe her own rear end- impossible.
My Mother wrote to me often from the time I was born, until I was about 6. Most of these letters were saved in my baby book. The majority were your basic milestone notations, etc. I recently found one from shortly after my parents divorced and it really hit me -I am the same age as my Mother when she left my dad. My girls are also the same ages my sister and I were. I am so thankful my mom wrote to me as often as she did. Until now, I always thought it was just to document things, and while that may be the case, I now know she also did it because she was lonely. My Dad worked hard and drank even harder back then, and my Mom was all alone. As I read her letter, she went on to tell me how I have adapted so well to all the changes and have had no visible problems stemming from my parents split, but that I am one that conceals her feelings a little too well. I was 5. She was dead on though. To this day, I have the same problem. Every person has a threshold, the point where they just can't hold it in anymore. Everyone handles it in a different way. Some choose to walk away from the situation, feeling that's best. Others express emotion and try to work it out, and some people give both a try. I've leaked that emotion out a few times now, but not nearly as much as I should have given the circumstances. I've been heartbroken about what it's doing to everyone and everything around me, just not as upset as I should be over what it's doing to me and the other person involved. I'm somewhat of a contradiction that way I suppose. A huge lover at heart that wants rainbows and unicorns shitting glitter at all times, but it has to be something within my control, and when I find it's not, I just turn off the light. But not until I try and turn the situation back into something I can control about 10 times first! #controlfreak. I do however, refuse to become bitter because my life didn't stay in the perfect bubble everyone thought I lived in- complete with the dog and picket fence.
Since one person can't singlehandedly control all the changes around them they have to sit back and let it ride every so often, just hoping that their intentions were right and the outcome is what was meant to be. I find so much strength in my girls, which is crazy because they wear me out daily! I can't protect them from all that is happening now, I just hope I give them enough love each day that they feel as little of the pain as possible. I have been viewed in many different ways during this crazy time, both good and bad. Being a people pleaser, dealing with people not on my side has been wildly difficult. The good thing about that now is that my skin is just a little thicker. I could sit here and be angry that I am currently in a place I vowed to never be, literally. Knowing I chose it could only make it worse. Or I could embrace the change, even if it's nothing but rough waters for a bit, and just be damn thankful I know how to swim.
Like a lot of things in life, change can be good or bad, welcomed or uninvited. Change doesn't really give a damn if you are ready for it or not. Sure our actions can speed up the process or the outcome of certain changes, but at the end of the day we never have total control.
Ugh, control....another word I have beef with.
With so many changes coming my way i'm really starting to feel torn. Literally. Half of me feels so wonderful, free, and excited for all the amazing things down the road. However, the other half feels like its buried under so many layers of shit, that it won't be seeing the light at the end of the tunnel anytime soon. Trying to get these two sides to meet in the middle and join forces is like trying to get my almost 5 year old to wipe her own rear end- impossible.
My Mother wrote to me often from the time I was born, until I was about 6. Most of these letters were saved in my baby book. The majority were your basic milestone notations, etc. I recently found one from shortly after my parents divorced and it really hit me -I am the same age as my Mother when she left my dad. My girls are also the same ages my sister and I were. I am so thankful my mom wrote to me as often as she did. Until now, I always thought it was just to document things, and while that may be the case, I now know she also did it because she was lonely. My Dad worked hard and drank even harder back then, and my Mom was all alone. As I read her letter, she went on to tell me how I have adapted so well to all the changes and have had no visible problems stemming from my parents split, but that I am one that conceals her feelings a little too well. I was 5. She was dead on though. To this day, I have the same problem. Every person has a threshold, the point where they just can't hold it in anymore. Everyone handles it in a different way. Some choose to walk away from the situation, feeling that's best. Others express emotion and try to work it out, and some people give both a try. I've leaked that emotion out a few times now, but not nearly as much as I should have given the circumstances. I've been heartbroken about what it's doing to everyone and everything around me, just not as upset as I should be over what it's doing to me and the other person involved. I'm somewhat of a contradiction that way I suppose. A huge lover at heart that wants rainbows and unicorns shitting glitter at all times, but it has to be something within my control, and when I find it's not, I just turn off the light. But not until I try and turn the situation back into something I can control about 10 times first! #controlfreak. I do however, refuse to become bitter because my life didn't stay in the perfect bubble everyone thought I lived in- complete with the dog and picket fence.
Since one person can't singlehandedly control all the changes around them they have to sit back and let it ride every so often, just hoping that their intentions were right and the outcome is what was meant to be. I find so much strength in my girls, which is crazy because they wear me out daily! I can't protect them from all that is happening now, I just hope I give them enough love each day that they feel as little of the pain as possible. I have been viewed in many different ways during this crazy time, both good and bad. Being a people pleaser, dealing with people not on my side has been wildly difficult. The good thing about that now is that my skin is just a little thicker. I could sit here and be angry that I am currently in a place I vowed to never be, literally. Knowing I chose it could only make it worse. Or I could embrace the change, even if it's nothing but rough waters for a bit, and just be damn thankful I know how to swim.
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Size Does Matter
Size does matter.
Now get your minds outta the gutter folks, this is regarding my useless skin bags, aka the baby feeders. These puppies have been mentioned briefly many times before in the bloggy, but I really want to get down to the nitty gritty and get some stuff off my chest. Not that there's much left. Hahahaha get it!?!?
I've never been blessed with the chest, but things have really hit a new low since having kids. Mom's- I know there are more of you out there that feel me here!? There was a brief time where I was a D cup and popping out of my shirt, but that came along with a 68lb weight gain and an infant. It also looked as if my boobs literally ate my neck. Not cool. Now what's left looks like stretched out balloons, that have no feeling and can't even fill out a T-shirt properly. I've been called every name in the book over the years- mosquito bites, AAA, itty bitty. I could keep going but I'm having flashbacks of my youth riding home on the school bus. They are small. I'm used to it. I own it. Would it be nice to not look like a teenager? Sure, but it is what it is. It would also be nice to not have my stomach stick out past my chest after consuming 80% of a pizza to myself in one sitting on a lonely Friday night. But hey, I could also cut back on gorging that many carbs at once. I highly doubt that will ever actually happen though.
I couldn't even feed my babies with these things. Hence the name "useless skin bags." I tried it all. Working with an awesome lactation consultant, aka Boobie Queen. Pumping prior to birth. I remember sitting on the couch during the end of my pregnancy with baby #2, hand expressing milk while holding a syringe to the end of my boob, just trying to get as much colostrum saved up as possible. It took me weeks to save up enough for about 5 feedings when she was born- if that. It was like searching for liquid gold. Literally. I ate special cookies to help. Not thoooosseee kind of special cookies either. Eventually, I had to face the fact that these mini jugs just weren't going to cooperate.
The biggest slap in the face wasn't when I couldn't feed my kids, or when I bent over and noticed they look like the ends of bananas. It was when I recently discovered that Nordstrom doesn't even sell my size in the women's department. WHAT THE FRENCH TOAST PEOPLE?!!? What am I supposed to do? Resort to getting one from the kids section that's neon colored with bedazzlement that's totes cool, and says something like YOLO or BFF on it?!
I think I'll pass on that, and I'm about to pass on wearing one all together. Ok, not really.
Now get your minds outta the gutter folks, this is regarding my useless skin bags, aka the baby feeders. These puppies have been mentioned briefly many times before in the bloggy, but I really want to get down to the nitty gritty and get some stuff off my chest. Not that there's much left. Hahahaha get it!?!?
I've never been blessed with the chest, but things have really hit a new low since having kids. Mom's- I know there are more of you out there that feel me here!? There was a brief time where I was a D cup and popping out of my shirt, but that came along with a 68lb weight gain and an infant. It also looked as if my boobs literally ate my neck. Not cool. Now what's left looks like stretched out balloons, that have no feeling and can't even fill out a T-shirt properly. I've been called every name in the book over the years- mosquito bites, AAA, itty bitty. I could keep going but I'm having flashbacks of my youth riding home on the school bus. They are small. I'm used to it. I own it. Would it be nice to not look like a teenager? Sure, but it is what it is. It would also be nice to not have my stomach stick out past my chest after consuming 80% of a pizza to myself in one sitting on a lonely Friday night. But hey, I could also cut back on gorging that many carbs at once. I highly doubt that will ever actually happen though.
I couldn't even feed my babies with these things. Hence the name "useless skin bags." I tried it all. Working with an awesome lactation consultant, aka Boobie Queen. Pumping prior to birth. I remember sitting on the couch during the end of my pregnancy with baby #2, hand expressing milk while holding a syringe to the end of my boob, just trying to get as much colostrum saved up as possible. It took me weeks to save up enough for about 5 feedings when she was born- if that. It was like searching for liquid gold. Literally. I ate special cookies to help. Not thoooosseee kind of special cookies either. Eventually, I had to face the fact that these mini jugs just weren't going to cooperate.
The biggest slap in the face wasn't when I couldn't feed my kids, or when I bent over and noticed they look like the ends of bananas. It was when I recently discovered that Nordstrom doesn't even sell my size in the women's department. WHAT THE FRENCH TOAST PEOPLE?!!? What am I supposed to do? Resort to getting one from the kids section that's neon colored with bedazzlement that's totes cool, and says something like YOLO or BFF on it?!
I think I'll pass on that, and I'm about to pass on wearing one all together. Ok, not really.
Monday, June 2, 2014
A Finely "Polished" Poo
Shit got real (literally) when my 4 year old hollered for toilet assistance recently. While I was super thrilled that she actually went on her own without a fight, I had just taken a solid 5 minutes to myself and painted my nails right before I was summoned to the scene of the crime. I had two choices, try and help her, or create a stall tactic and buy some time so my nails could dry. Because lets face it, I was out of nail polish remover and wasn't going to haul to kids to Target to get more once I ruined my paint job wiping tush. I would walk out of there spending $100 dollars on clearance items that end in a .48 or .98 (Frequent Target shoppers know the drill there) when all I really needed was polish remover for .97 cents.
So what do I do? I walk in the bathroom, turn on some music, and do a little potty dance to help buy some time while the freshly painted nails on my baby hands dry. I'm fairly certain that if my life was recorded, I would have a nice savings account by now. Not for my dancing skills, but for all the randomness that happens around here on the daily. Kaelyn started at me with the OH MY GOSH MOM face for about two seconds, wiped her own rear, and high tailed it outta there. I guess it was really a win for me since she finally took matters into her own hands, again...literally...and I got some cardio in for the day with my dance moves, since we all know I don't work out. I got cocky for 2 seconds, clenched my fist, and did a little yesssssssssssss dance move to myself to celebrate the fact that my kid finally wiped her own ass.
That is when I ruined my freshly painted nails ya'll.
Off to Target we go. I walked out with ziplock bags, toothpaste, Clorox wipes, diapers, an owl t-shirt and undergarments. Didn't even think to get the nail polish remover. Target is evil, pure evil.
Some days the girls are just growing up too fast for this Mama's liking. While I am THRILLED my oldest finally wants to use the toilet alone, other areas of growth are creeping me out. Last week I walked down the street to get her from playing with the neighbors. Ben is one of her "boyfriends" and as she walks toward me I see her turn around and put her hand on Bens face. She said goodbye and as she walked away she said..."I'll kiss you later Ben, on the face!" WHHHHHHATTTTTTTTTTT?! Little Leah chimes in and says "Yeah on the face!" while throwing her fist in air. My little lover and my little fighter, two complete opposites.
So what do I do? I walk in the bathroom, turn on some music, and do a little potty dance to help buy some time while the freshly painted nails on my baby hands dry. I'm fairly certain that if my life was recorded, I would have a nice savings account by now. Not for my dancing skills, but for all the randomness that happens around here on the daily. Kaelyn started at me with the OH MY GOSH MOM face for about two seconds, wiped her own rear, and high tailed it outta there. I guess it was really a win for me since she finally took matters into her own hands, again...literally...and I got some cardio in for the day with my dance moves, since we all know I don't work out. I got cocky for 2 seconds, clenched my fist, and did a little yesssssssssssss dance move to myself to celebrate the fact that my kid finally wiped her own ass.
That is when I ruined my freshly painted nails ya'll.
Off to Target we go. I walked out with ziplock bags, toothpaste, Clorox wipes, diapers, an owl t-shirt and undergarments. Didn't even think to get the nail polish remover. Target is evil, pure evil.
Some days the girls are just growing up too fast for this Mama's liking. While I am THRILLED my oldest finally wants to use the toilet alone, other areas of growth are creeping me out. Last week I walked down the street to get her from playing with the neighbors. Ben is one of her "boyfriends" and as she walks toward me I see her turn around and put her hand on Bens face. She said goodbye and as she walked away she said..."I'll kiss you later Ben, on the face!" WHHHHHHATTTTTTTTTTT?! Little Leah chimes in and says "Yeah on the face!" while throwing her fist in air. My little lover and my little fighter, two complete opposites.
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
The Hurtie Thirty
Nothing screams single and 30 quite like the excitement I felt when I found a coupon for $1.50 off of a pint of Ben & Jerry's in my purse the other day.
Really, I was excited. There are so many flavors to choose from that it's like Disneyland for my indecisive mind. I enjoy the challenge, but i'm also a total weirdo so.... whatever. If I start acquiring cats and drinking fuzzy navel wine coolers, feel free to stage an intervention.
I don't really understand why people call it THE DIRTY THIRTY? I don't feel dirty at all. I feel like THE HURTIE THIRTY (I make up words, just go with it.) is more appropriate. Because lets face it, it kind of hurts. Both mentally and physically! I had what most people strive for at a very young age, in today's world anyways. The house, husband, and family. Now I am literally starting life over at 30. The great thing about that is that I know who I am, what I want, and where i'd love to end up. Something I don't think I really knew in my early 20's. On the flip side, I am also scared as all hell because I have my little lady loves by my side, so it's not just about me. I am so incredibly proud to be their Mother. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. So naturally, I want to do all I can to give them the best quality of life possible. I think the biggest struggle I have with getting divorced is disappointing them because it was my choice. I am choosing to become a single parent. I know there are plenty of people out there that live this way, I just never expected to be one of them. So I will just cross my baby fingers that I make the littles proud.
On a lighter note, I can totally tell some major differences in my body and brain....both good and bad. My brain has really lost its luster in some ways now that I am a parent and I am getting **cough** older **cough cough**. However, im one heck of a multitasker! I can be on the phone, computer, fold laundry, and watch TV all at the same time. Although, I still spill my wine down the front of my face while trying to take a sip like I just stepped off the sippy cup train.
I have this crazy insane ability that allows me to remember pretty much every small useless detail on earth, or what my friend wore the first day I met them 20 years ago. If you know me well enough you know this to be true and it can get somewhat freaky at times. Do you think I can remember the user name or password to any of the bills I pay online? Or if I actually washed my hair in the shower? That is a big fat no!
Oh and the body....the body.... I may be small but that doesn't mean everything is right. From 24-29 I've weighed 110lbs, up to a plump 178lbs! When you are 5ft tall a 60+ weight gain during a pregnancy isn't pleasant. I will have to blame both ice cream sandwiches and my lack of self control for a good chunk of that weight. I don't want to say I have stretch marks, it's more like permanent tally marks for all the Klondike bars and double stuffed Oreo's I consumed. Everything looks fine when I stand, but it's when I sit that the real magic happens. Things just spread out. Anyone else do the real sexy skin tuck? Making sure your loose bits are tucked away in your jeans, etc. It's super attractive. Lets not even get me started on the chest region. Those useless skin bags have been on my shit list most of my life and they obviously have no desire to rectify that. I suppose I could start going to the gym to help fix the flab, but who am I kidding, gyms aren't really my thang. I can rock 3.5 pull ups though. So what if it was after a high octane margarita and I was sore the next day.
Not all the changes in body and brain since becoming a parent and aging are bad. We live in a time now that when it comes to our bodies we can either embrace it or erase it, and I'll definitely embrace it. I am well aware that 30 isn't really old. I guess I just notice some things are different. Where I am now is like a preview for what's to come with old age. I may be knee deep in pee, poo, and diapers with my kids but one day the tables will turn and it will be me in the diapers. I could probably benefit from some Depends now, thanks to the littles. So please think twice before scaring me, or making me laugh really really hard!
I am excited to embark on this new chapter in life. I am beyond thankful for all the good things I have surrounding me. It really does make this time of transition much easier. Sure it's somewhat scary, but I am a soulless ginger after all. We bounce back pretty easily.
Really, I was excited. There are so many flavors to choose from that it's like Disneyland for my indecisive mind. I enjoy the challenge, but i'm also a total weirdo so.... whatever. If I start acquiring cats and drinking fuzzy navel wine coolers, feel free to stage an intervention.
I don't really understand why people call it THE DIRTY THIRTY? I don't feel dirty at all. I feel like THE HURTIE THIRTY (I make up words, just go with it.) is more appropriate. Because lets face it, it kind of hurts. Both mentally and physically! I had what most people strive for at a very young age, in today's world anyways. The house, husband, and family. Now I am literally starting life over at 30. The great thing about that is that I know who I am, what I want, and where i'd love to end up. Something I don't think I really knew in my early 20's. On the flip side, I am also scared as all hell because I have my little lady loves by my side, so it's not just about me. I am so incredibly proud to be their Mother. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. So naturally, I want to do all I can to give them the best quality of life possible. I think the biggest struggle I have with getting divorced is disappointing them because it was my choice. I am choosing to become a single parent. I know there are plenty of people out there that live this way, I just never expected to be one of them. So I will just cross my baby fingers that I make the littles proud.
On a lighter note, I can totally tell some major differences in my body and brain....both good and bad. My brain has really lost its luster in some ways now that I am a parent and I am getting **cough** older **cough cough**. However, im one heck of a multitasker! I can be on the phone, computer, fold laundry, and watch TV all at the same time. Although, I still spill my wine down the front of my face while trying to take a sip like I just stepped off the sippy cup train.
I have this crazy insane ability that allows me to remember pretty much every small useless detail on earth, or what my friend wore the first day I met them 20 years ago. If you know me well enough you know this to be true and it can get somewhat freaky at times. Do you think I can remember the user name or password to any of the bills I pay online? Or if I actually washed my hair in the shower? That is a big fat no!
Oh and the body....the body.... I may be small but that doesn't mean everything is right. From 24-29 I've weighed 110lbs, up to a plump 178lbs! When you are 5ft tall a 60+ weight gain during a pregnancy isn't pleasant. I will have to blame both ice cream sandwiches and my lack of self control for a good chunk of that weight. I don't want to say I have stretch marks, it's more like permanent tally marks for all the Klondike bars and double stuffed Oreo's I consumed. Everything looks fine when I stand, but it's when I sit that the real magic happens. Things just spread out. Anyone else do the real sexy skin tuck? Making sure your loose bits are tucked away in your jeans, etc. It's super attractive. Lets not even get me started on the chest region. Those useless skin bags have been on my shit list most of my life and they obviously have no desire to rectify that. I suppose I could start going to the gym to help fix the flab, but who am I kidding, gyms aren't really my thang. I can rock 3.5 pull ups though. So what if it was after a high octane margarita and I was sore the next day.
Not all the changes in body and brain since becoming a parent and aging are bad. We live in a time now that when it comes to our bodies we can either embrace it or erase it, and I'll definitely embrace it. I am well aware that 30 isn't really old. I guess I just notice some things are different. Where I am now is like a preview for what's to come with old age. I may be knee deep in pee, poo, and diapers with my kids but one day the tables will turn and it will be me in the diapers. I could probably benefit from some Depends now, thanks to the littles. So please think twice before scaring me, or making me laugh really really hard!
I am excited to embark on this new chapter in life. I am beyond thankful for all the good things I have surrounding me. It really does make this time of transition much easier. Sure it's somewhat scary, but I am a soulless ginger after all. We bounce back pretty easily.
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Vaginas in China?
There are funny moments in parenting. Sad moments. Frustrating moments.
Then there are moments like this....
K- What do the boys and the girls have Mommy?! Do I have a penis?
Me-No kiddo. Boys have a penis, and girls have a vagina.
K-So I don't have a penis...yet?
Me- Awkward pause.... her youth flashes before my eyes and I start to panic.
No. You have a vagina.
How do you explain this to a 4 year old?! I am naturally a very matter of fact person, so that is the approach I decided to take when explaining the P and V to my first born. If I went about it the wrong way, I will learn and correct it once the Gremlin asks the same question one day.
For days she would ask "Does so and so have a penis Mom? Does the dog have lots of penises or vaginas?" Most days this was before I had consumed any of my luke warm/cold coffee I need to survive as a parent. She would ask where these parts are located. The day she told me that they are gross, I finally thought the topic had died down some. I was wrong. She was just gearing up for more questions. Somehow asking does so and so have this turned into "Mom what's on their butt? A P or a V?" No kid, our private parts are on the front. Speaking of private, it's ok that you ask me these questions but you need to understand that these are private parts and should you have any questions ask Mom and Dad instead of random people in the grocery store.
So the other morning we were snuggling in my bed and watching a cartoon, I was barely awake and Kaelyn struck up another private part convo.
K-EWWWWW GROSS! Mom why is Olivia is going to VaChina!?
Me- Kaelyn she is going to China. China is a country, that's different.
K- So my vagina is a country? We live in the United States of America Mom, is that a vagina country too?
Me- No Kaelyn CHINA is a country all by itself, just like the United States. Olivia from the cartoon is going there to visit. It has nothing to do with private parts. I know it sounds similar, but the two are not connected ok.
K- Gahhh this stuff is really confusing Mom.
Me- You have no idea girlfriend.
So later that day we were driving past a farm that had some cows.
K- Are those cows Mom?
Me- Yes.
K- What do they have on their butts? Vaginas in China or a penis?
Me- Kaelyn! China is a country and a Va.........nevermind! You know what cows give us? Milk!
K- How Mom?
Me- (Gloating thinking I've successfully changed the subject for a bit.) Well they have these things called utters and you if you squeeze them, milk comes out.
K- Oh yeah Mom and the farmers put it in a bucket!
Me- Yes!!
K- Do your utters milk too Mom? Do you put it a bucket? Do boys have utters or just the girls?
HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!
Then there are moments like this....
K- What do the boys and the girls have Mommy?! Do I have a penis?
Me-No kiddo. Boys have a penis, and girls have a vagina.
K-So I don't have a penis...yet?
Me- Awkward pause.... her youth flashes before my eyes and I start to panic.
No. You have a vagina.
How do you explain this to a 4 year old?! I am naturally a very matter of fact person, so that is the approach I decided to take when explaining the P and V to my first born. If I went about it the wrong way, I will learn and correct it once the Gremlin asks the same question one day.
For days she would ask "Does so and so have a penis Mom? Does the dog have lots of penises or vaginas?" Most days this was before I had consumed any of my luke warm/cold coffee I need to survive as a parent. She would ask where these parts are located. The day she told me that they are gross, I finally thought the topic had died down some. I was wrong. She was just gearing up for more questions. Somehow asking does so and so have this turned into "Mom what's on their butt? A P or a V?" No kid, our private parts are on the front. Speaking of private, it's ok that you ask me these questions but you need to understand that these are private parts and should you have any questions ask Mom and Dad instead of random people in the grocery store.
So the other morning we were snuggling in my bed and watching a cartoon, I was barely awake and Kaelyn struck up another private part convo.
K-EWWWWW GROSS! Mom why is Olivia is going to VaChina!?
Me- Kaelyn she is going to China. China is a country, that's different.
K- So my vagina is a country? We live in the United States of America Mom, is that a vagina country too?
Me- No Kaelyn CHINA is a country all by itself, just like the United States. Olivia from the cartoon is going there to visit. It has nothing to do with private parts. I know it sounds similar, but the two are not connected ok.
K- Gahhh this stuff is really confusing Mom.
Me- You have no idea girlfriend.
So later that day we were driving past a farm that had some cows.
K- Are those cows Mom?
Me- Yes.
K- What do they have on their butts? Vaginas in China or a penis?
Me- Kaelyn! China is a country and a Va.........nevermind! You know what cows give us? Milk!
K- How Mom?
Me- (Gloating thinking I've successfully changed the subject for a bit.) Well they have these things called utters and you if you squeeze them, milk comes out.
K- Oh yeah Mom and the farmers put it in a bucket!
Me- Yes!!
K- Do your utters milk too Mom? Do you put it a bucket? Do boys have utters or just the girls?
HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!
Saturday, April 5, 2014
Kids are Tricky.
**HUGE DISCLAIMER..... I hope anyone that chooses to read this knows my level of sarcasm is extremely high. I WOULD NEVER actually call my children such names ever. Don't want to offend anyone out there...that is all.**
Kids are bitches.
Excuse my bluntness there. Actually no, I will stand by my previous statement. KIDS.ARE.BITCHES....SOMETIMES! They are also cute, funny, sticky, smelly, soft, sneaky, innocent, and just down right adorable.
Do I feel bad for saying that kids can be bitches? Nope. Yano why? We all can get that way from time to time. Any parent that claims to have perfect children that never drive them nuts.. well.. they are probably nuts themselves.
The other day I felt like I was knee deep in kid fiascos every time I turned around. Now I get it, kids will be kids and all that. Some days things are great and not much gets to me. Some days everything they do just bugs the crap out of me. (Except hugs and kisses....those are always welcome.)
I spent the morning cleaning and so it was slightly annoying when I walked into one of the living rooms to find Kaelyn and Leah playing pirates. Complete with cardboard rolls as swords. They are playing so what's the big deal, right? Well they in order to get the cardboard rolls they had to raid my kitchen drawer and unwrap all the foil, plastic wrap, and parchment paper. In true kid fashion it was ALL OVER my living room. They also shredded up some newspaper like confetti and yelled "SURPRISE!!! Welcome to the party!!" when I walked into the room.
Party my ass. Pffft..... I don't even think I would consider that strike one, maybe strike .5.
After I convince them to clean it up, Kaelyn's cleaning bug strikes and she grabs the windex. I explain to her that kids shouldn't use windex.
K-Why Mom?
Me- Because it's for grown ups to use.
K-Why?
(Leah grunts in the background...how very Gremlin of her.)
Me-Because it has chemicals and those are bad.
K- Why mom? I want to clean.
Me- NO! The windex has chemicals and chemicals are bad for kids to play with.
K- But WHHHHYYY?
After ten times of going back and forth with the WHHHYYY I say..... BECAUSE CHEMICALS ARE BAD AND CAN KILL YOU!!!!! Gremlin grunts again and then laughs like a loon.
She quietly placed the windex back on the counter. Who am I?! A mean mom that makes windex death threats to toddlers?! Not my best Mom moment, but also not my worst.
Later on someone magically markered in Kaelyn's Minnies. As usual, it's a mystery to her how it happened. Well I am so over scrubbing the Minnies clean that I made her walk around with no pants on. Thought I was smart... then after 20 times of me shouting "Stop grabbing your Vagina Kaelyn," (which only made her do it more) I gave up and gave her another pair of Minnies. I know that all kids creep their parents out when they discover their nether regions, and I need to just ignore it because saying something only makes her do it more and I don't want to shout "Stop grabbing your Vagina" while in Fred Meyer one day.
Some time passes, and they decide to have a tea party. I thought it was a smart idea to give them unopened tea bags to use for pretend play. They are quietly playing in Kaelyn's room forever and I AM SOOOOOO HAPPY about it. I peek in to check on them and all 6 tea bags are out of the package, ripped open and tea is all over her floor! Remember that cleaning I did? Yeah, vacuuming was part of that. I then see white spots all over her floor and ask what it is. "Oh Mom, that's just some milk for the tea party!" What would possess them to make in rain milk all over the carpet??! Oh yeah, it's because kids are bitches.
The final straw that day.......Catching Kaelyn changing Leah's diaper. Now normally I would be all for her helping out with diaper duty. If it was pee.....which this was not.
So yeah, that's why kids can be bitches and moms can get bitchy. It's like the circle of life....for bitchiness.
Kids are bitches.
Excuse my bluntness there. Actually no, I will stand by my previous statement. KIDS.ARE.BITCHES....SOMETIMES! They are also cute, funny, sticky, smelly, soft, sneaky, innocent, and just down right adorable.
Do I feel bad for saying that kids can be bitches? Nope. Yano why? We all can get that way from time to time. Any parent that claims to have perfect children that never drive them nuts.. well.. they are probably nuts themselves.
The other day I felt like I was knee deep in kid fiascos every time I turned around. Now I get it, kids will be kids and all that. Some days things are great and not much gets to me. Some days everything they do just bugs the crap out of me. (Except hugs and kisses....those are always welcome.)
I spent the morning cleaning and so it was slightly annoying when I walked into one of the living rooms to find Kaelyn and Leah playing pirates. Complete with cardboard rolls as swords. They are playing so what's the big deal, right? Well they in order to get the cardboard rolls they had to raid my kitchen drawer and unwrap all the foil, plastic wrap, and parchment paper. In true kid fashion it was ALL OVER my living room. They also shredded up some newspaper like confetti and yelled "SURPRISE!!! Welcome to the party!!" when I walked into the room.
Party my ass. Pffft..... I don't even think I would consider that strike one, maybe strike .5.
After I convince them to clean it up, Kaelyn's cleaning bug strikes and she grabs the windex. I explain to her that kids shouldn't use windex.
K-Why Mom?
Me- Because it's for grown ups to use.
K-Why?
(Leah grunts in the background...how very Gremlin of her.)
Me-Because it has chemicals and those are bad.
K- Why mom? I want to clean.
Me- NO! The windex has chemicals and chemicals are bad for kids to play with.
K- But WHHHHYYY?
After ten times of going back and forth with the WHHHYYY I say..... BECAUSE CHEMICALS ARE BAD AND CAN KILL YOU!!!!! Gremlin grunts again and then laughs like a loon.
She quietly placed the windex back on the counter. Who am I?! A mean mom that makes windex death threats to toddlers?! Not my best Mom moment, but also not my worst.
Later on someone magically markered in Kaelyn's Minnies. As usual, it's a mystery to her how it happened. Well I am so over scrubbing the Minnies clean that I made her walk around with no pants on. Thought I was smart... then after 20 times of me shouting "Stop grabbing your Vagina Kaelyn," (which only made her do it more) I gave up and gave her another pair of Minnies. I know that all kids creep their parents out when they discover their nether regions, and I need to just ignore it because saying something only makes her do it more and I don't want to shout "Stop grabbing your Vagina" while in Fred Meyer one day.
Some time passes, and they decide to have a tea party. I thought it was a smart idea to give them unopened tea bags to use for pretend play. They are quietly playing in Kaelyn's room forever and I AM SOOOOOO HAPPY about it. I peek in to check on them and all 6 tea bags are out of the package, ripped open and tea is all over her floor! Remember that cleaning I did? Yeah, vacuuming was part of that. I then see white spots all over her floor and ask what it is. "Oh Mom, that's just some milk for the tea party!" What would possess them to make in rain milk all over the carpet??! Oh yeah, it's because kids are bitches.
The final straw that day.......Catching Kaelyn changing Leah's diaper. Now normally I would be all for her helping out with diaper duty. If it was pee.....which this was not.
So yeah, that's why kids can be bitches and moms can get bitchy. It's like the circle of life....for bitchiness.
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Trials and Poop-ulations
Who wishes to wipe their 4.5 year olds rear end on a daily basis?
This guuuurrrrllll right here!!!
Now don't get all grossed out because who REALLY enjoys wiping tush? NOBODY! However, if I am ASSisting in the wipe job that means she is actually going....get my drift? I never imagined dealing with a kid that is so stubborn on the poo front. She knows how to go, she just refuses to do so. We have gone through countless pairs of "Minnie's" and pretty much clogged every toilet in the 253. I wish I would have bought stock in Pedia-lax because I have dropped a pretty penny on children's suppositories as well. There have been some real crappy (pun intended) memories of the trials and poop-ulations for Miss Kaelyn and her #2's.
It all started when she was 9 months old when we ventured to CO and she got extremely backed up. After much discomfort and a huge belly, my pal Bri ventured to the store for suppositories and wine. I've shared this story plenty of times before, but 10 seconds after we gave it to her things were literally flying out of her rear end. Great for her, bad for us. Why you ask? When things are airborne and headed your direction your natural reaction is to put your hands up and block it....enough said.
Another great tale took place last spring while we were at a friends house. I must clarify that this friend of mine wasn't my BFF or anyone even close to that. (Not that what happened would have been acceptable at my BFF's, I just know she wouldn't have judged me....as much.) Well Kaelyn was fighting it all day and happened to be wearing a dress. She was dancing around in the living room while I was talking to my friend and I see Leah crawling towards something that looked like a piece of dog food. The mom in me quickly bends down and grabs the "dog food" so my crawling Gremlin wouldn't munch on it. If it was my house my reaction wouldn't be as fast because we all know that things slip after kid #1. **If you are judging me for that comment you either have no kids or you are still hovering over kid #1. Just wait, you'll join my club soon!** Munching on a little piece of dog food wouldn't be the end of the world, but since I didn't know what kind of dog food it was I didn't want to chance it. Well... turns out it wasn't dog food, but was in fact, a piece of rabbit turd from child's behind that must have flown out of her Minnie's while she was twirling around in her dress. I realize this as the rabbit turd was in my hand, my friend was 5 feet away from me and we are in the middle of a conversation. Since we weren't BFF's I flushed that shit down the toilet, sanitized my hands and tried to pretend nothing happened! Can we say mortified!!??!!
Every excuse has been thrown my way as to why she JUST.CAN'T.GO.
Someone markered in my unnawears Mom!
I can't go. Nobody's got time for that!
But Mooooooommmm! Leah doesn't use the potty!
It just can't come out. Uggghhhhhhh!!! I trying soooo hard Mom and nothing!
The list goes on...But Monday's excuse, Monday takes the cake.
She fought the urge all morning before school. On the way to the car, she stops walking and gets the dreaded face and her body freezes up. With Leah already in the car, I know I have about 2.5 seconds to get Kaelyn to the toilet. I get her frozen stiff self there, go back to the doorway so I can have a view of Leah in the car while still being within talking range to the poo princess. She's crying, Leah's screaming and I am running interference between the two little diva's. No poo. School goes by and she makes the face again around lunch. Rush to the bathroom again and nothing. She comes out and tells me "Mom, My poo keeps getting away from me. It's prolly just shy, and you can't make it talk if it's shy...OK MOM!" Um no kiddo, it's getting away from you, and that's called prairie doggin it!!
After dinner she was outside with the neighborhood kids riding bikes and playing with guns. After awhile I see all the boys playing and I see Kaelyn behind a bush wearing her helmet and making the face again. So once more we race inside and FINALLY we succeeded!!!! Helmet and all........
This guuuurrrrllll right here!!!
Now don't get all grossed out because who REALLY enjoys wiping tush? NOBODY! However, if I am ASSisting in the wipe job that means she is actually going....get my drift? I never imagined dealing with a kid that is so stubborn on the poo front. She knows how to go, she just refuses to do so. We have gone through countless pairs of "Minnie's" and pretty much clogged every toilet in the 253. I wish I would have bought stock in Pedia-lax because I have dropped a pretty penny on children's suppositories as well. There have been some real crappy (pun intended) memories of the trials and poop-ulations for Miss Kaelyn and her #2's.
It all started when she was 9 months old when we ventured to CO and she got extremely backed up. After much discomfort and a huge belly, my pal Bri ventured to the store for suppositories and wine. I've shared this story plenty of times before, but 10 seconds after we gave it to her things were literally flying out of her rear end. Great for her, bad for us. Why you ask? When things are airborne and headed your direction your natural reaction is to put your hands up and block it....enough said.
Another great tale took place last spring while we were at a friends house. I must clarify that this friend of mine wasn't my BFF or anyone even close to that. (Not that what happened would have been acceptable at my BFF's, I just know she wouldn't have judged me....as much.) Well Kaelyn was fighting it all day and happened to be wearing a dress. She was dancing around in the living room while I was talking to my friend and I see Leah crawling towards something that looked like a piece of dog food. The mom in me quickly bends down and grabs the "dog food" so my crawling Gremlin wouldn't munch on it. If it was my house my reaction wouldn't be as fast because we all know that things slip after kid #1. **If you are judging me for that comment you either have no kids or you are still hovering over kid #1. Just wait, you'll join my club soon!** Munching on a little piece of dog food wouldn't be the end of the world, but since I didn't know what kind of dog food it was I didn't want to chance it. Well... turns out it wasn't dog food, but was in fact, a piece of rabbit turd from child's behind that must have flown out of her Minnie's while she was twirling around in her dress. I realize this as the rabbit turd was in my hand, my friend was 5 feet away from me and we are in the middle of a conversation. Since we weren't BFF's I flushed that shit down the toilet, sanitized my hands and tried to pretend nothing happened! Can we say mortified!!??!!
Every excuse has been thrown my way as to why she JUST.CAN'T.GO.
Someone markered in my unnawears Mom!
I can't go. Nobody's got time for that!
But Mooooooommmm! Leah doesn't use the potty!
It just can't come out. Uggghhhhhhh!!! I trying soooo hard Mom and nothing!
The list goes on...But Monday's excuse, Monday takes the cake.
She fought the urge all morning before school. On the way to the car, she stops walking and gets the dreaded face and her body freezes up. With Leah already in the car, I know I have about 2.5 seconds to get Kaelyn to the toilet. I get her frozen stiff self there, go back to the doorway so I can have a view of Leah in the car while still being within talking range to the poo princess. She's crying, Leah's screaming and I am running interference between the two little diva's. No poo. School goes by and she makes the face again around lunch. Rush to the bathroom again and nothing. She comes out and tells me "Mom, My poo keeps getting away from me. It's prolly just shy, and you can't make it talk if it's shy...OK MOM!" Um no kiddo, it's getting away from you, and that's called prairie doggin it!!
After dinner she was outside with the neighborhood kids riding bikes and playing with guns. After awhile I see all the boys playing and I see Kaelyn behind a bush wearing her helmet and making the face again. So once more we race inside and FINALLY we succeeded!!!! Helmet and all........
In case you didn't know, parenting is so glamorous!
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Honesty, Honestly.
"Sometimes the truth hurts. Other times it's a very accurate description of your boobs." -Jessie Ford...... Friend for life!
Am I perfect? Not even close. Do I want to be? Not a chance. Do I still aim to please and wish to be right all of the time? Why yes, yes I do. So one can only imagine the mental strife that occurs when someone admits to not being "perfect" but is a control freak and strives to have perfection in most areas of life. Is that somewhat contradictory? Yes. So welcome to my world.
We constantly preach to our kids to be honest, to tell the truth. Honesty is the fairness and straightforwardness of conduct. You can do no wrong if you tell the truth. As child, maybe not. Kids can have complete word vomit and we don't think twice. We think it's hilarious, cute and in most cases refreshing. When your 4 year old walks in on you in the bath and says "Mommy, your boobies look like hot dogs." You laugh, because after two kids, you know deep down that statement may ring true just a bit. (No that did not happen to me, but to a friend, and for that friends sake I will not name them!) Children can say it like it is and there are no real consequences for those actions. If anything, we encourage them. Encourage them to be honest.
I can't help but wonder, does the innocence of youth allow more freedom of speech? Because if adults always practiced such honesty in life, all hell would break loose.
So it really makes me want to know if what Benny Franklin used to say back in the day, "Honesty is the best policy" holds much weight. While in most cases I feel like being honest, truthful and sincere will get you much further in life, there are times when I feel that there is nothing wrong with guarding certain things you choose to share with the world. It's not about being dishonest, it's more about discretion. Maybe one will use discretion because they don't want to hurt the feelings of someone they love. One may also use discretion because they are afraid of how they themselves would be judged by the ones they love. Because of that type of mentality, the use of discretion can often destroy. It can damage relationships, and it can also damage your own well being, even if you are well intentioned at heart. Honesty- dammed if ya do, dammed if ya don't.
I have always been one that speaks my mind. Blunt and direct. Blame it on the fact that I'm a soulless ginger I suppose. Some can handle it, others can't. As an adult, I am really learning that being straightforward isn't as easy as one would hope. When "keeping it real" so to speak backfires, the control freak in me can't just let it be. I need to continue trying to prove my point and make it right. In my mind, that's the right thing to do. I really need to learn to just let certain things go. I won't be able to please everyone, no matter how hard I try. It doesn't matter if I am being blunt or I am guarding how I approach the topic, someone is bound to not like it. And I really need to learn to be ok with that.
My world sort of caught on fire last week and the practice of both honesty and discretion were key factors in some of what happened. There has been a lot happening over the last year with me personally, and while many people in my life know the details of what's been going on, there are still some that don't. It's not about me being dishonest or secretive, I just chose to exercise (that's one of the few times you'll hear me use the word exercise) the use of discretion in certain areas of my life. For one, it wasn't overly positive so what good would I be doing if I flaunted tons of negativity all over social media, etc? Second, it's a private issue so who I choose to share certain aspects of my life with is up to me. So when a match was lit under a highly personal situation in my life recently, the phrase "I was just trying to be honest" was said to me. While that may be true in their mind, I somewhat disagree. Flaunting things on social media doesn't necessarily make you honest. It just makes you public. You put something out there for everyone to see and you automatically invite public opinion. When you don't like what you are hearing, it makes you defensive, but you are the one that hit 'post' so deal with it, right? If only it were that easy.
Am I perfect? Not even close. Do I want to be? Not a chance. Do I still aim to please and wish to be right all of the time? Why yes, yes I do. So one can only imagine the mental strife that occurs when someone admits to not being "perfect" but is a control freak and strives to have perfection in most areas of life. Is that somewhat contradictory? Yes. So welcome to my world.
We constantly preach to our kids to be honest, to tell the truth. Honesty is the fairness and straightforwardness of conduct. You can do no wrong if you tell the truth. As child, maybe not. Kids can have complete word vomit and we don't think twice. We think it's hilarious, cute and in most cases refreshing. When your 4 year old walks in on you in the bath and says "Mommy, your boobies look like hot dogs." You laugh, because after two kids, you know deep down that statement may ring true just a bit. (No that did not happen to me, but to a friend, and for that friends sake I will not name them!) Children can say it like it is and there are no real consequences for those actions. If anything, we encourage them. Encourage them to be honest.
I can't help but wonder, does the innocence of youth allow more freedom of speech? Because if adults always practiced such honesty in life, all hell would break loose.
So it really makes me want to know if what Benny Franklin used to say back in the day, "Honesty is the best policy" holds much weight. While in most cases I feel like being honest, truthful and sincere will get you much further in life, there are times when I feel that there is nothing wrong with guarding certain things you choose to share with the world. It's not about being dishonest, it's more about discretion. Maybe one will use discretion because they don't want to hurt the feelings of someone they love. One may also use discretion because they are afraid of how they themselves would be judged by the ones they love. Because of that type of mentality, the use of discretion can often destroy. It can damage relationships, and it can also damage your own well being, even if you are well intentioned at heart. Honesty- dammed if ya do, dammed if ya don't.
I have always been one that speaks my mind. Blunt and direct. Blame it on the fact that I'm a soulless ginger I suppose. Some can handle it, others can't. As an adult, I am really learning that being straightforward isn't as easy as one would hope. When "keeping it real" so to speak backfires, the control freak in me can't just let it be. I need to continue trying to prove my point and make it right. In my mind, that's the right thing to do. I really need to learn to just let certain things go. I won't be able to please everyone, no matter how hard I try. It doesn't matter if I am being blunt or I am guarding how I approach the topic, someone is bound to not like it. And I really need to learn to be ok with that.
My world sort of caught on fire last week and the practice of both honesty and discretion were key factors in some of what happened. There has been a lot happening over the last year with me personally, and while many people in my life know the details of what's been going on, there are still some that don't. It's not about me being dishonest or secretive, I just chose to exercise (that's one of the few times you'll hear me use the word exercise) the use of discretion in certain areas of my life. For one, it wasn't overly positive so what good would I be doing if I flaunted tons of negativity all over social media, etc? Second, it's a private issue so who I choose to share certain aspects of my life with is up to me. So when a match was lit under a highly personal situation in my life recently, the phrase "I was just trying to be honest" was said to me. While that may be true in their mind, I somewhat disagree. Flaunting things on social media doesn't necessarily make you honest. It just makes you public. You put something out there for everyone to see and you automatically invite public opinion. When you don't like what you are hearing, it makes you defensive, but you are the one that hit 'post' so deal with it, right? If only it were that easy.
I know I'm a tough cookie most of the time. Showing emotion isn't something I'm great at. I bottle it all in and then every so often, I crack. I hope that I can teach my kids to be both strong and compassionate. Sure, I know how to be compassionate but when you factor in my lack of emotion at times, blunt nature and stubbornness, it's easy to see why people call my kind soulless gingers. I own the choices I've made in the last year, regardless of wrong or right, public or discreet. Maybe one day I will open up and share more of the nitty gritty, but now really isn't that time. I've got to fan these flames and get shit a movin.
A friend who knows the the dirty deets of my life and has seen me during one of my "emotional crack" moments recommended a book for me to read. I am so glad he chose to share something with me that once helped him. I can't wait to read it. This quote jumped out right away.
"Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering."
Something to practice, and something to preach I suppose. I am beyond thankful for all the weirdo's in my life that keep me in check. Whether you know what's going on or not, thank you. You support me when I need it and tell me to calm the hell down when my red headed nature takes over and starts setting the rest of me on fire!
Something to practice, and something to preach I suppose. I am beyond thankful for all the weirdo's in my life that keep me in check. Whether you know what's going on or not, thank you. You support me when I need it and tell me to calm the hell down when my red headed nature takes over and starts setting the rest of me on fire!
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Little People in the Big City.
I love my Colorado family. So when I hear they are coming to Seattle for the weekend, come hell or high water, i'm gonna find time to see them.
Well that's EXACTLY what happened. A little hell and a whole lotta water. (And some love of course, because seeing them was totally worth it!)
First let's chat about the amount of crap you have to pack in order to take two small kids to Seattle in the rain when you don't have any real plans of what you're doing. They were staying in a hotel so we talked about swimming. Pack suits. Check. Crap, I don't have one, lets hope they will play with the kids in the pool while I sit on the sidelines and take pictures or something. Water wings...double check. There's the diapers for the Gremlin, wipes, a change of clothes per kid, yano just in case. Definitely an extra pair of Minnie's for Kaelyn since she likes to skid her unders on the daily. I'll need a plastic bag to hold the 'markered Minnie's' should such an event take place. Then you have snacks, juice, stroller...wait, stroller may be a bad idea depending on what we do, so bring the front pack and stroller, a plethora of coats, mittens and a few toys for entertainment in the car. Is your brain fried yet?!? People without kids may not be able to relate that part, but I know the majority of my parent friends have been there. The bag I was using alone took 20 minutes to pick out. If we are walking around and Leah is in the front pack I cant use an over the shoulder bag, but the backpack isn't big enough to hold the swim gear, snacks, and clothes. Crap and my purse! What am I going to do with that? My attempts to be as light as possible were failing in a major way and we haven't even left the house. I chose to leave right after lunch in hopes that Leah would nap in the car. Let's just say that was a mistake.
We get to Seattle and park somewhat central near Pike Place. $20 for two hours of parking! Since when did an hour of parking cost more than minimum wage? I start to unload the Gremlin that didn't nap into the front pack. She's thrusting her body against me screaming. It's raining. I'm hungry. I get her wiggly ass in there and I can't clip the back of the pack! Drats! I ask this relatively normal looking woman parking near me for assistance, she looks at me and without saying a word walks off. I'm not sure if she saw my struggle with getting Leah into the pack and didn't want to get near her out of fear she was some rabid animal, but I was pissed off and was literally getting pissed on by the rain. Not to mention this was eating into my 2 hours of parking I already paid for. Stroller it is. Get situated and off we go to the market. Finally! Two steps onto Pike and I hear "Mommy I need to go potty real bad!" She's crossing her leg and holding herself so I know she wasn't messing around. Are you kidding?! Finding a restroom quickly in downtown Seattle, with one kid that can hardly walk she needs to pee so bad and a giant all-terrain stroller that's caging the Gremlin is going to be impossible! We venture into the nearest store and ask nicely if there's a restroom. Kaelyn is wiggling next to me, so it's obvious that its for her.
Store clerk- aka pee patrol meanie: No sorry, we don't have a bathroom.
Mama on the edge (That's me.):It's for my daughter, please...I'll buy something.
Pee Patrol Meanie: Sorry we can't.
Random shopper hero: (she had two baskets full of touristy treasures.) I won't buy any of this if you don't let that little girl use the restroom.
Pee Patrol Meanie: Fine. But Mom, you can't come into the back, she has to go herself.
What the French toast!? Are you on crack? My 4 year old is NOT going back into your stockroom by herself. Well she did, but I got to peek through the door and the bathroom was just a few feet past that. Thanks to that random shopper!
We are finally back on the sidewalk headed to The Crumpet Shop where we were meeting up. I was told to go there by one of my lovely friends and boy am I glad we did. I was already overwhelmed and sweating like a pig even though it was pouring rain. I spot my awesome Aunt, Uncle and Cousin there so we order some crumpets, sit in an alcove and enjoy our snack. I can't even eat mine because Gremlin is crying and needed to be held. Thankfully my Aunt cut mine into bite size pieces for me to devour. She probably would have fed me like a bird if needed because the look of defeat on my face at that point was getting rather obvious. The little bit of sugar from that tasty treat is probably what saved me from going crazy in the big city.
We wander around and do a few touristy things. The rain is kind of getting in the way and the girls are cold so what do we end up doing?! Hanging out at the food court in Westlake Center....just talking, eating fishy crackers and playing hide and seek with Kaelyn's balloon animal giraffe she got from one of Seattle's finest. We really know how to keep it classy, and I sure know how to show my out of town family a good time! Ha!
And just like that.....it's 3pm. Our two hours is up. I am so thankful my Aunt and Uncle are such patient people and just wonderful with kids! I just felt awful I could barely hold a conversation with them the entire time we were getting waterlogged on the Seattle streets. It took me 40 minutes to get out of downtown due to construction and I really felt like pulling over and napping alongside my kids since they crashed in 2.5 seconds. Instead, I let the defeat get to me and I cried for just a second. Shoot, I was already wet from the raindrops, a few tear drops weren't gonna make a difference. Now before ya'll freak out at my freak out....Relax! I wasn't having a mega cry fest on I-5 while driving my precious cargo home, but sometimes us parents just get flippin overwhelmed and we shed a few tears when nobody's watching. Then we slap ourselves and move on because we know we don't have time for that shit.
The girls and I drop off the front pack my friend let us borrow that I didn't even get to use, and then delivered some of the tasty treats to the friend that suggested stopping by the crumpet place if we had time. After that we ended up at another friends house for dinner. I was able to plop on the sofa while dinner was cooked for me, cold beers were served to me and my kids were watching a movie. As relaxing as that was, by the time my steak was sitting in front of my face I didn't have any energy left to even eat it. So I just stared at it for awhile, took a few bites so I didn't look rude or wasteful and decided to call it a night.
Some days being a parent is easy peasy and then there are days that every minute seems to be hectic. This may have been one of the hectic days, but I was able to laugh at the madness. So what if was between a few tears. My kids seem to cry all the live long day...I was just trying to join the party.
Pity party for one? Check.
Well that's EXACTLY what happened. A little hell and a whole lotta water. (And some love of course, because seeing them was totally worth it!)
First let's chat about the amount of crap you have to pack in order to take two small kids to Seattle in the rain when you don't have any real plans of what you're doing. They were staying in a hotel so we talked about swimming. Pack suits. Check. Crap, I don't have one, lets hope they will play with the kids in the pool while I sit on the sidelines and take pictures or something. Water wings...double check. There's the diapers for the Gremlin, wipes, a change of clothes per kid, yano just in case. Definitely an extra pair of Minnie's for Kaelyn since she likes to skid her unders on the daily. I'll need a plastic bag to hold the 'markered Minnie's' should such an event take place. Then you have snacks, juice, stroller...wait, stroller may be a bad idea depending on what we do, so bring the front pack and stroller, a plethora of coats, mittens and a few toys for entertainment in the car. Is your brain fried yet?!? People without kids may not be able to relate that part, but I know the majority of my parent friends have been there. The bag I was using alone took 20 minutes to pick out. If we are walking around and Leah is in the front pack I cant use an over the shoulder bag, but the backpack isn't big enough to hold the swim gear, snacks, and clothes. Crap and my purse! What am I going to do with that? My attempts to be as light as possible were failing in a major way and we haven't even left the house. I chose to leave right after lunch in hopes that Leah would nap in the car. Let's just say that was a mistake.
We get to Seattle and park somewhat central near Pike Place. $20 for two hours of parking! Since when did an hour of parking cost more than minimum wage? I start to unload the Gremlin that didn't nap into the front pack. She's thrusting her body against me screaming. It's raining. I'm hungry. I get her wiggly ass in there and I can't clip the back of the pack! Drats! I ask this relatively normal looking woman parking near me for assistance, she looks at me and without saying a word walks off. I'm not sure if she saw my struggle with getting Leah into the pack and didn't want to get near her out of fear she was some rabid animal, but I was pissed off and was literally getting pissed on by the rain. Not to mention this was eating into my 2 hours of parking I already paid for. Stroller it is. Get situated and off we go to the market. Finally! Two steps onto Pike and I hear "Mommy I need to go potty real bad!" She's crossing her leg and holding herself so I know she wasn't messing around. Are you kidding?! Finding a restroom quickly in downtown Seattle, with one kid that can hardly walk she needs to pee so bad and a giant all-terrain stroller that's caging the Gremlin is going to be impossible! We venture into the nearest store and ask nicely if there's a restroom. Kaelyn is wiggling next to me, so it's obvious that its for her.
Store clerk- aka pee patrol meanie: No sorry, we don't have a bathroom.
Mama on the edge (That's me.):It's for my daughter, please...I'll buy something.
Pee Patrol Meanie: Sorry we can't.
Random shopper hero: (she had two baskets full of touristy treasures.) I won't buy any of this if you don't let that little girl use the restroom.
Pee Patrol Meanie: Fine. But Mom, you can't come into the back, she has to go herself.
What the French toast!? Are you on crack? My 4 year old is NOT going back into your stockroom by herself. Well she did, but I got to peek through the door and the bathroom was just a few feet past that. Thanks to that random shopper!
We are finally back on the sidewalk headed to The Crumpet Shop where we were meeting up. I was told to go there by one of my lovely friends and boy am I glad we did. I was already overwhelmed and sweating like a pig even though it was pouring rain. I spot my awesome Aunt, Uncle and Cousin there so we order some crumpets, sit in an alcove and enjoy our snack. I can't even eat mine because Gremlin is crying and needed to be held. Thankfully my Aunt cut mine into bite size pieces for me to devour. She probably would have fed me like a bird if needed because the look of defeat on my face at that point was getting rather obvious. The little bit of sugar from that tasty treat is probably what saved me from going crazy in the big city.
We wander around and do a few touristy things. The rain is kind of getting in the way and the girls are cold so what do we end up doing?! Hanging out at the food court in Westlake Center....just talking, eating fishy crackers and playing hide and seek with Kaelyn's balloon animal giraffe she got from one of Seattle's finest. We really know how to keep it classy, and I sure know how to show my out of town family a good time! Ha!
And just like that.....it's 3pm. Our two hours is up. I am so thankful my Aunt and Uncle are such patient people and just wonderful with kids! I just felt awful I could barely hold a conversation with them the entire time we were getting waterlogged on the Seattle streets. It took me 40 minutes to get out of downtown due to construction and I really felt like pulling over and napping alongside my kids since they crashed in 2.5 seconds. Instead, I let the defeat get to me and I cried for just a second. Shoot, I was already wet from the raindrops, a few tear drops weren't gonna make a difference. Now before ya'll freak out at my freak out....Relax! I wasn't having a mega cry fest on I-5 while driving my precious cargo home, but sometimes us parents just get flippin overwhelmed and we shed a few tears when nobody's watching. Then we slap ourselves and move on because we know we don't have time for that shit.
The girls and I drop off the front pack my friend let us borrow that I didn't even get to use, and then delivered some of the tasty treats to the friend that suggested stopping by the crumpet place if we had time. After that we ended up at another friends house for dinner. I was able to plop on the sofa while dinner was cooked for me, cold beers were served to me and my kids were watching a movie. As relaxing as that was, by the time my steak was sitting in front of my face I didn't have any energy left to even eat it. So I just stared at it for awhile, took a few bites so I didn't look rude or wasteful and decided to call it a night.
Some days being a parent is easy peasy and then there are days that every minute seems to be hectic. This may have been one of the hectic days, but I was able to laugh at the madness. So what if was between a few tears. My kids seem to cry all the live long day...I was just trying to join the party.
Pity party for one? Check.
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
One Banana, Two Banana, Three Banana...FLOOR!
My girls are complete opposites and sometimes I find myself being entertained at how different they really are. Granted, there are plenty of other times that its not entertaining and it's down right frustrating! (This next story was one of the entertaining ones.)
The other day I was sitting on the couch with the girls and Leah gets up, goes over to the counter and points at the bananas. I see her little brain working and I knew she was going to find a way to get them herself. Heck, she already pulled that awesome stunt with getting the 10 inch knife out of the drawer, getting a banana on her own should be a piece of cake...right? She scoots a stool over to the counter gets up on it and still can't reach. She sees the dog enter the kitchen and yelled some gibberish to get him to stop. Again, she points to the bananas and looks at him. Without hesitation my beast of a dog stands on his hind legs, gets up on the counter and gets the bunch of bananas! While he is holding the bananas in his mouth Leah rips one off, peels it and walks off munching away, satisfied with her recent accomplishment. By peeling it I really mean she was squatted on the floor, banging it on the ground and grunting until it popped the peel open a bit. She then proceeded to peel it and went about her way. Very primitive caveman-ish Gremlin behavior. Meanwhile Prince chews one inch off the end of every banana left and leaves the remains for me to clean up.
I don't know if Gremlin put the dog into a trance, or if her authoritative tone combined with her gibberish scared him into doing whatever she said. Natural born leader that little one is. Or future meanie?! Only time will tell I suppose.
I however must have been in some sort of hypnosis during this whole ordeal because while watching the series of events, I realized I was hungry and out of the corner of my eye I see something that resembled a chip on the couch. Without thinking, I just grab whatever it was and ate it! It could have been a regurgitated goldfish cracker for crying out loud! Your eating habits drastically change when you become a parent, but that may have been an all time low! Actually, the all time low would have been the time I picked some food up off the floor that one of the littles dropped, had it in my hand for a few because I got distracted and then ended up eating it without thinking. That's just how I roll I suppose, gross.
What did I learn in all of this?!? I have a 4 year old that refuses to wipe her own rear end, acts like she can't dress herself and gets scared in the night. Then there's that crazy 1 year old who is on the path to self sufficiency a bit too early. I'm hoping they start to balance each other out some. Fingers crossed! I can't be wiping asses while chasing knives out of the hands of toddlers forever. (Insert scared face here!)
The other day I was sitting on the couch with the girls and Leah gets up, goes over to the counter and points at the bananas. I see her little brain working and I knew she was going to find a way to get them herself. Heck, she already pulled that awesome stunt with getting the 10 inch knife out of the drawer, getting a banana on her own should be a piece of cake...right? She scoots a stool over to the counter gets up on it and still can't reach. She sees the dog enter the kitchen and yelled some gibberish to get him to stop. Again, she points to the bananas and looks at him. Without hesitation my beast of a dog stands on his hind legs, gets up on the counter and gets the bunch of bananas! While he is holding the bananas in his mouth Leah rips one off, peels it and walks off munching away, satisfied with her recent accomplishment. By peeling it I really mean she was squatted on the floor, banging it on the ground and grunting until it popped the peel open a bit. She then proceeded to peel it and went about her way. Very primitive caveman-ish Gremlin behavior. Meanwhile Prince chews one inch off the end of every banana left and leaves the remains for me to clean up.
I don't know if Gremlin put the dog into a trance, or if her authoritative tone combined with her gibberish scared him into doing whatever she said. Natural born leader that little one is. Or future meanie?! Only time will tell I suppose.
I however must have been in some sort of hypnosis during this whole ordeal because while watching the series of events, I realized I was hungry and out of the corner of my eye I see something that resembled a chip on the couch. Without thinking, I just grab whatever it was and ate it! It could have been a regurgitated goldfish cracker for crying out loud! Your eating habits drastically change when you become a parent, but that may have been an all time low! Actually, the all time low would have been the time I picked some food up off the floor that one of the littles dropped, had it in my hand for a few because I got distracted and then ended up eating it without thinking. That's just how I roll I suppose, gross.
What did I learn in all of this?!? I have a 4 year old that refuses to wipe her own rear end, acts like she can't dress herself and gets scared in the night. Then there's that crazy 1 year old who is on the path to self sufficiency a bit too early. I'm hoping they start to balance each other out some. Fingers crossed! I can't be wiping asses while chasing knives out of the hands of toddlers forever. (Insert scared face here!)
Monday, February 10, 2014
Hide Yo Kids, Hide Yo Knives.
I would be lying if I said I hadn't had some oh so stellar parenting moments that allowed me to be crowned Mother of the year. It's happened and it's happened more than once. I'm sure it will happen plenty of times from here on out as well. You can't beat yourself up over every small mistake you make as a parent. There was the time when Kaelyn was a newborn and I accidentally hit her car seat (which I had set on the ground) with the car door and knocked her over. Luckily she was strapped in. Or the time I was so in awe of my first born baby girl that I was just staring at her in my arms while walking into her room. Well I missed the doorway and rammed my infants head into the wall. Another winning moment would be during a kids birthday party. Kaelyn was just walking then and while we were singing happy birthday, K decided to help herself to someone's can of beer on the table. She poured it all over herself. It's still a mystery if she actually consumed any of the delicious Blue Moon in a can.
Today though, today may take the cake for my parenting fails. Baby proofing? Come on, that's for amateurs and paranoid helicopter parents right?! That's how I USED to feel until today. Apparently my ego was too big for my midget britches. Nothing really had to be baby proofed with Kaelyn, so I think I had a false sense of security with my belief that you don't really need to do it. I guess she just wasn't as...um....adventurous as her little sis is turning out to be. When I was a kid I remember seeing the Mr. Yuk sticker on something and I knew not to touch it. I also knew to leave things like knives, booze and cigarettes alone. However, there is one story from when I was a tiny tot where I may have grabbed something that resembled a cig off the counter and ran around the house saying "Smoking is bad!" I now know that it wasn't a cigarette after all, but whatever, potatoe-potato right?
** Side note- Does anyone else remember getting those chalk cigarettes as kids?! What a twisted thing for kids to love getting. It's probably why I grabbed the wacky tabacky off the counter that day when I was a young buck. Who knows, another unsolved mystery I suppose. **
So anyways, back to the story at hand. While cleaning the house today I run into the laundry room to switch the load. I come back into the main part of the house, walk around the corner and see my 10inch chef's knife, aka the BFK (big 'bleepin' knife) on the living room floor! Yes, you read that right.....10 INCH KNIFE. Nobody is near it. Leah and the dog were on the other side of the house playing in Kaelyns room. So after my initial panic that someone was hiding around the corner wearing the mask from Scream, and getting ready to attack me, I realized that the Gremlin was the only other person that could be to blame for grabbing the knife out of the TOP drawer. Dang that Leah...Chucky...Stewie...Tracy!!! That moment was one of the few times I was so thankful her attention span is non existent. I'm sure she grabbed the knife but it wasn't really even about the knife, it was more about the challenge of how to get to it. Pushing a chair out of the way (one that's usually blocking the drawers) grabbing a stool and opening the drawer to get the knife. Once she succeeded in her mission, she had no actual use for it but just isn't smart enough yet to hide the evidence of her break in into my cutlery drawer.
Forget that funny guy on YouTube that said "Hide yo kids, hide yo wives." In this house it's more like hide yo kids, hide yo knives!
Today though, today may take the cake for my parenting fails. Baby proofing? Come on, that's for amateurs and paranoid helicopter parents right?! That's how I USED to feel until today. Apparently my ego was too big for my midget britches. Nothing really had to be baby proofed with Kaelyn, so I think I had a false sense of security with my belief that you don't really need to do it. I guess she just wasn't as...um....adventurous as her little sis is turning out to be. When I was a kid I remember seeing the Mr. Yuk sticker on something and I knew not to touch it. I also knew to leave things like knives, booze and cigarettes alone. However, there is one story from when I was a tiny tot where I may have grabbed something that resembled a cig off the counter and ran around the house saying "Smoking is bad!" I now know that it wasn't a cigarette after all, but whatever, potatoe-potato right?
** Side note- Does anyone else remember getting those chalk cigarettes as kids?! What a twisted thing for kids to love getting. It's probably why I grabbed the wacky tabacky off the counter that day when I was a young buck. Who knows, another unsolved mystery I suppose. **
So anyways, back to the story at hand. While cleaning the house today I run into the laundry room to switch the load. I come back into the main part of the house, walk around the corner and see my 10inch chef's knife, aka the BFK (big 'bleepin' knife) on the living room floor! Yes, you read that right.....10 INCH KNIFE. Nobody is near it. Leah and the dog were on the other side of the house playing in Kaelyns room. So after my initial panic that someone was hiding around the corner wearing the mask from Scream, and getting ready to attack me, I realized that the Gremlin was the only other person that could be to blame for grabbing the knife out of the TOP drawer. Dang that Leah...Chucky...Stewie...Tracy!!! That moment was one of the few times I was so thankful her attention span is non existent. I'm sure she grabbed the knife but it wasn't really even about the knife, it was more about the challenge of how to get to it. Pushing a chair out of the way (one that's usually blocking the drawers) grabbing a stool and opening the drawer to get the knife. Once she succeeded in her mission, she had no actual use for it but just isn't smart enough yet to hide the evidence of her break in into my cutlery drawer.
Forget that funny guy on YouTube that said "Hide yo kids, hide yo wives." In this house it's more like hide yo kids, hide yo knives!
I took a picture of the lovely 10inch knife but can't bring myself to post it. I am so freaked out that she got to it in 2.5 seconds and am BEYOND, BEYOND, BEYOND thankful that she just did a drop and run.
Baby proofing......it's for real ya'll!
Thursday, January 30, 2014
LETTERS TO THE LITTLES
I love my kids to the end of the earth and beyond. That being said, sometimes parenting is a real....you know what. If I could write each of them an uncensored letter, it would go a lil something like this...
Dear Kaelyn Rae,
You are such a sweet natured little spirit. I love your raspy little voice and almost everything that comes out of it. Your creative little mind is always going and I hope you continue to have that same vibrant imagination as you grow. Now, lets get down to business here.
You are stubborn. I know you get that from the both of us, but I will take more of the blame for passing that on to you. When you are in trouble and know you are wrong and asked to apologize for it, instead of saying the word sorry, you give us 'big eyes' and pretend you don't understand English. Cute trick kid but it's not gonna work. I am Queen of having to be right all of the time (I know, I know, not a good trait) and you are just a tiny little tot trying to climb the ladder to royal wisdom with the whole.....even if I'm wrong ill find a way to be right mentality.
Stop whining every time your sister touches you. You have 3 years on the kid, buck up. I know she's mean but I am pretty sure if you really tried, you could take her. I remember fighting with your Auntie Ky as kids and it drove your Gigi nuts. I also remember her saying she should just let us fight it out and maybe after that we would get along. I don't think I am ready for baby brawl 2014 just yet, but am starting to see what she was saying.
Please....for the love.....learn to poop. In no parenting book anywhere did I read anything about 4.5 year olds refusing to go #2. I also in my wildest of dreams didn't expect to be breaking your once a week turds up with a shish-kabob stick so that they can make it down the toilet. It's gross and if you want to start kindergarten next year, you need to learn to become a self service shitter. Nobody is going to help you at school and you don't want the nick name Kaelyn poo pants Pingul. Blaming your skid marks on the fact that someone allegedly just 'markered ' your underwear isn't going to fly either, so stop. Crayola made the brown marker for coloring things like tree trunks, sand and chocolate. Not for imaginary people to draw skid marks in your Minnie Mouse unders. Furthermore, holding it for days on end isn't healthy and it makes it look like you're pregnant. Pretty sure Target isn't going to be coming out with a kids maternity line anytime soon so shape up, and get that shit out!
I super love you.
Love,
Mom
Dear Leah....aka...Stewie...aka Tracy, (Tracy and Stewie are her alter-egos.)
You are one pretty little thing that's for sure. You get compliments all of the time and sometimes I find myself just staring at you, amazed at how such a little person can be so beautiful. As pretty as you are though, you are equally as crazy. I've never actually been scared of a baby before, but sometimes, you really terrify me. I knew you were a special kind of nuts when I caught you standing on the window sill chewing on the METAL window frame and grunting. You have a mean glare and obvious dislike for the majority of humans that come your way. People's reactions are hysterical when you actually like them, it's as if they won the mean baby lottery or something!
You are the sole reason I have a baby gate blocking my bedroom door. It's my sanctuary and when I run down the hall from you and hop over that gate, I know I have about 2.5 seconds of peace until you get there and start trying to invade my safe zone.
I'm not sure where you got your training but your skills are impressive kid, ill give ya that. You are a cross between a ninja, baby special forces and Chucky. I'm pretty sure you are the CEO of whatever little baby terror club you've created. Thankfully you aren't the greatest at making friends at this time so I don't think you've acquired many members to said club.
I really hope your level of intense behavior channels into you becoming a natural leader....for good, not evil. Your Mother likes all things happy and enjoys living in a world of rainbows and unicorns. Make me proud.
I super love you.
Love,
Mom
Dear Kaelyn Rae,
You are such a sweet natured little spirit. I love your raspy little voice and almost everything that comes out of it. Your creative little mind is always going and I hope you continue to have that same vibrant imagination as you grow. Now, lets get down to business here.
You are stubborn. I know you get that from the both of us, but I will take more of the blame for passing that on to you. When you are in trouble and know you are wrong and asked to apologize for it, instead of saying the word sorry, you give us 'big eyes' and pretend you don't understand English. Cute trick kid but it's not gonna work. I am Queen of having to be right all of the time (I know, I know, not a good trait) and you are just a tiny little tot trying to climb the ladder to royal wisdom with the whole.....even if I'm wrong ill find a way to be right mentality.
Stop whining every time your sister touches you. You have 3 years on the kid, buck up. I know she's mean but I am pretty sure if you really tried, you could take her. I remember fighting with your Auntie Ky as kids and it drove your Gigi nuts. I also remember her saying she should just let us fight it out and maybe after that we would get along. I don't think I am ready for baby brawl 2014 just yet, but am starting to see what she was saying.
Please....for the love.....learn to poop. In no parenting book anywhere did I read anything about 4.5 year olds refusing to go #2. I also in my wildest of dreams didn't expect to be breaking your once a week turds up with a shish-kabob stick so that they can make it down the toilet. It's gross and if you want to start kindergarten next year, you need to learn to become a self service shitter. Nobody is going to help you at school and you don't want the nick name Kaelyn poo pants Pingul. Blaming your skid marks on the fact that someone allegedly just 'markered ' your underwear isn't going to fly either, so stop. Crayola made the brown marker for coloring things like tree trunks, sand and chocolate. Not for imaginary people to draw skid marks in your Minnie Mouse unders. Furthermore, holding it for days on end isn't healthy and it makes it look like you're pregnant. Pretty sure Target isn't going to be coming out with a kids maternity line anytime soon so shape up, and get that shit out!
I super love you.
Love,
Mom
Dear Leah....aka...Stewie...aka Tracy, (Tracy and Stewie are her alter-egos.)
You are one pretty little thing that's for sure. You get compliments all of the time and sometimes I find myself just staring at you, amazed at how such a little person can be so beautiful. As pretty as you are though, you are equally as crazy. I've never actually been scared of a baby before, but sometimes, you really terrify me. I knew you were a special kind of nuts when I caught you standing on the window sill chewing on the METAL window frame and grunting. You have a mean glare and obvious dislike for the majority of humans that come your way. People's reactions are hysterical when you actually like them, it's as if they won the mean baby lottery or something!
You are the sole reason I have a baby gate blocking my bedroom door. It's my sanctuary and when I run down the hall from you and hop over that gate, I know I have about 2.5 seconds of peace until you get there and start trying to invade my safe zone.
I'm not sure where you got your training but your skills are impressive kid, ill give ya that. You are a cross between a ninja, baby special forces and Chucky. I'm pretty sure you are the CEO of whatever little baby terror club you've created. Thankfully you aren't the greatest at making friends at this time so I don't think you've acquired many members to said club.
I really hope your level of intense behavior channels into you becoming a natural leader....for good, not evil. Your Mother likes all things happy and enjoys living in a world of rainbows and unicorns. Make me proud.
I super love you.
Love,
Mom
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Piddle Puddles & Meanie Dinosaurs.
**Upon further inspection I realized the little creature I continually stepped on was really an Alligator and not a dinosaur. Either way, that thing is still a jerk.**
Time of day- 6am......
A faint cry in the distance wakes me up. Cripes, it's 6am, go back to sleep! Instead of ignoring it out of fear it would wake the sleeping Gremlin child, I decided to get up and see what was going on. As I stagger into Kaelyn's room half asleep I step on something that hurt so bad it would trump any lego that has ever made you yell every curse word under the sun...or rather, under the moon, since parents only seem to step on these death traps at night or in the wee morning hours. I yelp. Kaelyn starts crying even harder and that's when I notice the puddle of pee on her bed. Yes, I said puddle.
Quick thinking at 6am is hard to do when you are half asleep, so I tell her to take off her clothes and I toss a towel on the 'puddle.' I turn around and step on the parental death trap once again, and once again I yelp! Ugh, WHHHHHHHHYYYYYY didn't I move whatever it was the first time!! Kaelyn thinks I am mad at her because of my repeated squeal and as she's standing there with her tear stained face and urine soaked Zebra jammies halfway around her ankles, she starts to sob some song from Daniel the Tiger or some equally annoying cartoon we've had to watch on repeat 1,000 times. "Accidents happen...blah blah blah." I turn around once again to go take care of Gremlin and get more cleaning supplies for the piddle puddle and I STEP ON THE PAINFUL DEATHTRAP AGAIN! This time I look down to figure out what it is and see that it's this little green dinosaur with a cocky little smile on it's face. I could just hear that little dinosaur laughing at me, mocking me for stepping on it for the third time....Little meanie dinosaur.
All of this happened in less than a minutes time. Seriously.
I clean the piddle puddle mess, get everyone in bed with me, all is quiet. Right when I am about to fall asleep they both start crying for 'hartoons' and snacks. I get some dry cereal since that's acceptable bed eating food and turn on the hartoons. I hear some crunching so I figure I've pleased the littles enough to finally doze off for awhile longer. I wake up 20 minutes later to half eaten Chex cereal stuck in my hair and a 19 month old Gremlin an inch away from my face, glaring at me.
Game over. They win. Time to get up. I wish that little meanie of a dinosaur would make me some coffee in lieu of an apology. It was when I was getting them out of my bed that I realized the crunching I heard earlier wasn't them eating, it was them smashing the cereal between the sheets. My bed had turned into crumb nation, and crumb nations president happens to be a 19 month old Gremlin. I don't need to be awake to know that it was all her doing. She may be the little sister but she's definitely the ring leader.
Time of day- 7:15am. Just in case math ain't your thang...... that's 1 hour and 15 minutes. How is it possible to need a nap before the majority of people are even awake yet!?
In case you were wondering, the little asshole dinosaur has been donated to the trash. I couldn't stand looking at his face any longer.
******Disclaimer- I love my kids so if you don't sense all the sarcasm here when I refer to Leah as a Gremlin, you either don't know her or you don't know me. :)*******
Time of day- 6am......
A faint cry in the distance wakes me up. Cripes, it's 6am, go back to sleep! Instead of ignoring it out of fear it would wake the sleeping Gremlin child, I decided to get up and see what was going on. As I stagger into Kaelyn's room half asleep I step on something that hurt so bad it would trump any lego that has ever made you yell every curse word under the sun...or rather, under the moon, since parents only seem to step on these death traps at night or in the wee morning hours. I yelp. Kaelyn starts crying even harder and that's when I notice the puddle of pee on her bed. Yes, I said puddle.
Quick thinking at 6am is hard to do when you are half asleep, so I tell her to take off her clothes and I toss a towel on the 'puddle.' I turn around and step on the parental death trap once again, and once again I yelp! Ugh, WHHHHHHHHYYYYYY didn't I move whatever it was the first time!! Kaelyn thinks I am mad at her because of my repeated squeal and as she's standing there with her tear stained face and urine soaked Zebra jammies halfway around her ankles, she starts to sob some song from Daniel the Tiger or some equally annoying cartoon we've had to watch on repeat 1,000 times. "Accidents happen...blah blah blah." I turn around once again to go take care of Gremlin and get more cleaning supplies for the piddle puddle and I STEP ON THE PAINFUL DEATHTRAP AGAIN! This time I look down to figure out what it is and see that it's this little green dinosaur with a cocky little smile on it's face. I could just hear that little dinosaur laughing at me, mocking me for stepping on it for the third time....Little meanie dinosaur.
All of this happened in less than a minutes time. Seriously.
I clean the piddle puddle mess, get everyone in bed with me, all is quiet. Right when I am about to fall asleep they both start crying for 'hartoons' and snacks. I get some dry cereal since that's acceptable bed eating food and turn on the hartoons. I hear some crunching so I figure I've pleased the littles enough to finally doze off for awhile longer. I wake up 20 minutes later to half eaten Chex cereal stuck in my hair and a 19 month old Gremlin an inch away from my face, glaring at me.
Game over. They win. Time to get up. I wish that little meanie of a dinosaur would make me some coffee in lieu of an apology. It was when I was getting them out of my bed that I realized the crunching I heard earlier wasn't them eating, it was them smashing the cereal between the sheets. My bed had turned into crumb nation, and crumb nations president happens to be a 19 month old Gremlin. I don't need to be awake to know that it was all her doing. She may be the little sister but she's definitely the ring leader.
Time of day- 7:15am. Just in case math ain't your thang...... that's 1 hour and 15 minutes. How is it possible to need a nap before the majority of people are even awake yet!?
In case you were wondering, the little asshole dinosaur has been donated to the trash. I couldn't stand looking at his face any longer.
******Disclaimer- I love my kids so if you don't sense all the sarcasm here when I refer to Leah as a Gremlin, you either don't know her or you don't know me. :)*******
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