Tiny Strength

Last night, not long after putting the girls to bed I hear sobs coming from Kaelyn's room. I walk in and see her hugging an old picture of her dad and I back from when we first started dating. She was mumbling something, but I wasn't close enough to hear what she was saying. I was frozen in her doorway trying to think of the best way to handle this and trying not to get emotional myself. Well, at least not in front of her. I walk over lay down beside her and ask her what's wrong. She turns to face me, and with her little raspy voice and tear soaked face says- " I just want my Dad to come back. I want you guys to marry each other all day Mom. Can you just marry each other all day again? I love my Dad, and I love you so much. Can you please hug each other?"

My heart sank.

She starts crying a little more. I have silent tears I am trying to hide while I hug her tight. She wraps her arms around me, kissed my cheek, and said- "Thanks for being my happy Mom. I super love you." That's when I broke down. I know that as a parent you need to be strong in certain situations for the sake of your kids, but in this moment I just couldn't. So there we were crying together in her tiny twin bed that once belonged to her Dad as a kid, and I couldn't find a single word to say besides "I know sweetie." All I could do was cry. It was probably one of, if not the rawest moment I've ever had as a parent, maybe as an adult all together. The way she hugged me was so strong, so protective, yet so heartbreaking. In that moment she wasn't just my first born baby girl, she was my rock. I could feel both pain and love passing between us as we laid there together. She seemed so much older in this moment. She showed such strength, such maturity, while still expressing such love. I knew then that it was ok that I wasn't able to find the right words to say. I was able to say sorry, tell her I love her, and assure her that everything would eventually be ok without speaking a word.

I know that kids go through certain stages of grief during a divorce, and I've done my research on how to handle these moments. I was also in her exact spot as a kid myself. However, no amount of reading or notes taken during a parenting class would have prepared me for last night. It's one thing to read something in a book and another to actually be in the moment. I have explained things to her in many ways regarding the situation with her Dad and I. She is aware that she is loved, but it's inevitable that she will feel some hurt as we deal with this. I need to accept that and just continue to do my best to help her process it in order to get her through this change in life.

Did I handle this situation right? Ya know, I'm not sure if there really is an absolute "right way" to handle moments like that. There's a wrong way. But when it comes to what is right, there's definitely some gray area.