Match.wrong- Learning The Rules of Dating

I'm coming to the realization that I am going to be an extremely awkward dater. For one, I just don't get it. Maybe it's due to the fact that I missed the dating boat at a young age because I was in a relationship that turned into a marriage for the majority of my twenties. Who knows. The thought of going out there and actively trying to meet someone just seems pitiful, tiring and simply not fun. I don't like attention in that way and while I may be very outgoing, I am confident that when it comes to dating I will be very socially awkward. Besides, I think I need to brush up on my dating resume. I am in the thick of raising my littles while going through a seemingly long divorce process. Since that consumes 90% of my time, I am pretty sure I would be a real conversation killer! I think I have been on two dates in my ENTIRE life with people I didn't somehow know prior, and one was fairly recent. The first one was in my early twenties. He was a customer that I helped at work one day that I ended up running into often around town. During our date he asked me if I was ok seeing a man that had to disappear from time to time with no notice. Ummmmm?? Can ya clarify there buddy? On the way back from dinner, he was driving his brand new BMW which happened to be a stick shift. I mentioned that I haven't driven a manual since I was 16. He offered to let me drive, I declined. That's when this fool tried to fake a heart attack on the road and make me drive his BRAND NEW FULLY LOADED BMW! Full on traffic piling up behind us while he just yelled at me-"What are you going to do Kendra! This is a crisis, drive the car!"

There was no second date. Obviously.

The second was fairly recent. I was set up on a blind date. **Disclaimer- There was nothing wrong with this man, he was actually really nice, just not much chemistry. The issue was all me and my intense need for food.**

We meet. He asked me out and set the time and place. Since I am new to dating I assumed we would be eating since it was around dinner time. RULE #1- never assume. I was so nervous beforehand that I almost puked on the way to meet him. I was sweating and just wanted to turn around and go home. I actually had to be talked into going by my sister and cousin. Maybe I did it for them, who knows, but I was a nervous wreck! We meet at one of my favorite bars, grab a drink and then head to the next place where I assume we will eat. Again, see RULE#1. As the night went on without nourishment, I didn't even know what he is saying because I was so hungry. I was picturing his face as a taco, a burger, pizza....any sort of carb that I could devour in seconds to make me feel human again. It wasn't that I was expecting HIM to buy me dinner, I would've done that myself. Everywhere we went didn't have food! By the time he caught onto my hunger face, it was time for me to go home. I've got kids, can't be out all night ya'll. Can't a dude warn a gal if we aren't going to eat? I may be little, but I love me some grub.

No second date there either.

The most recent wasn't even a date. Pretty sure I am getting worse as time goes on. I was out watching the World Cup and met up with my sister and a friend. It was a hot day and we were table sharing with some randoms in a beer garden. On a whim my friend said "Introduce ourselves to these guys. Ready. Set. Go!" I get to talking with one that was actually pretty good looking. Turns out we both have the same type of dog. After showing pictures he mentioned that he frequents a dog park near my house and that we should get the dogs together sometime. I reply with- My dog will kill other animals, we don't do dog parks. Poor guy tries again saying... Well my dog is pretty big, we can give it a shot. I reiterate by saying.. I don't think you get it. My dog will KKKKIIIIIILLLLLLLLL other animals. Like maul them. No joke. After the third time of me saying that, he and his friend just got up and left. No goodbye, nothing. It confused me because I could tell he was interested. That's when I learned about RULE #2- read between the lines. Homeboy Ron, Juan, whatever his name was didn't give two poops about the dogs, it was a way for us to meet up.

Not even a first date there.

I decided to up my game today. When a very nice looking and I mean very nice looking man glanced at me in the grocery store, I pretended to not notice. Then when he did the walk past, turnaround and smile at me move I GLARED AT HIM! I glared at the poor, innocent, good looking man for smiling at me! I was so into picking out my produce and pushing my kids around in that giant fire truck cart that's 10 times my size, that I couldn't even smile at a hottie. Someone slap me!

He even had a beard. I love beards.

Don't even get me started on the whole online dating thing. I really, really, really don't get that one. I've heard so many horror stories. I actually find them humorous since they didn't happen to me, but still.....not appealing at all. One of my favorite people of all time did the online thing and then would blog about it after. That was some golden reading material if you ask me! Another good friend of mine did the online thing for awhile while living in Seattle, and had some real interesting tales. The best was going on a double date and the guys showed up in matching shirts that were different colors. The plot thickened when he went on about his obsession with ferrets. Claiming they were just like cats that haven't grown up. He owned many and juggled them. Yes, you read that right, juggled them. They then went to some show where he got so into whoever was preforming that he kept doing high kicks. He didn't have a phone, so he asked my friend if he could keep in contact via email..

His email went into the trash folder for sure.

How she got matched up with him I will never know. She is normal. Talk about Match.wrong.

So you see, the thought of having to pay a babysitter $10 an hour to take a chance on a ferret loving high-kicker seems absolutely awful to me. I would much rather be around my favorite people drinking boxed wine and laughing so hard that I cry, or be with my kids.