The Range of Change

Change.

Like a lot of things in life, change can be good or bad, welcomed or uninvited. Change doesn't really give a damn if you are ready for it or not. Sure our actions can speed up the process or the outcome of certain changes, but at the end of the day we never have total control.

Ugh, control....another word I have beef with.

With so many changes coming my way i'm really starting to feel torn. Literally. Half of me feels so wonderful, free, and excited for all the amazing things down the road. However, the other half feels like its buried under so many layers of shit, that it won't be seeing the light at the end of the tunnel anytime soon. Trying to get these two sides to meet in the middle and join forces is like trying to get my almost 5 year old to wipe her own rear end- impossible.

My Mother wrote to me often from the time I was born, until I was about 6. Most of these letters were saved in my baby book. The majority were your basic milestone notations, etc. I recently found one from shortly after my parents divorced and it really hit me -I am the same age as my Mother when she left my dad. My girls are also the same ages my sister and I were. I am so thankful my mom wrote to me as often as she did. Until now, I always thought it was just to document things, and while that may be the case, I now know she also did it because she was lonely. My Dad worked hard and drank even harder back then, and my Mom was all alone. As I read her letter, she went on to tell me how I have adapted so well to all the changes and have had no visible problems stemming from my parents split, but that I am one that conceals her feelings a little too well. I was 5. She was dead on though. To this day, I have the same problem. Every person has a threshold, the point where they just can't hold it in anymore. Everyone handles it in a different way. Some choose to walk away from the situation, feeling that's best. Others express emotion and try to work it out, and some people give both a try. I've leaked that emotion out a few times now, but not nearly as much as I should have given the circumstances. I've been heartbroken about what it's doing to everyone and everything around me, just not as upset as I should be over what it's doing to me and the other person involved. I'm somewhat of a contradiction that way I suppose. A huge lover at heart that wants rainbows and unicorns shitting glitter at all times, but it has to be something within my control, and when I find it's not, I just turn off the light. But not until I try and turn the situation back into something I can control about 10 times first! #controlfreak. I do however, refuse to become bitter because my life didn't stay in the perfect bubble everyone thought I lived in- complete with the dog and picket fence.

Since one person can't singlehandedly control all the changes around them they have to sit back and let it ride every so often, just hoping that their intentions were right and the outcome is what was meant to be. I find so much strength in my girls, which is crazy because they wear me out daily! I can't protect them from all that is happening now, I just hope I give them enough love each day that they feel as little of the pain as possible. I have been viewed in many different ways during this crazy time, both good and bad. Being a people pleaser, dealing with people not on my side has been wildly difficult. The good thing about that now is that my skin is just a little thicker. I could sit here and be angry that I am currently in a place I vowed to never be, literally. Knowing I chose it could only make it worse. Or I could embrace the change, even if it's nothing but rough waters for a bit, and just be damn thankful I know how to swim.