LETTERS TO THE LITTLES

I love my kids to the end of the earth and beyond. That being said, sometimes parenting is a real....you know what. If I could write each of them an uncensored letter, it would go a lil something like this...

Dear Kaelyn Rae,

You are such a sweet natured little spirit. I love your raspy little voice and almost everything that comes out of it. Your creative little mind is always going and I hope you continue to have that same vibrant imagination as you grow. Now, lets get down to business here.

You are stubborn. I know you get that from the both of us, but I will take more of the blame for passing that on to you. When you are in trouble and know you are wrong and asked to apologize for it, instead of saying the word sorry, you give us 'big eyes' and pretend you don't understand English. Cute trick kid but it's not gonna work. I am Queen of having to be right all of the time (I know, I know, not a good trait) and you are just a tiny little tot trying to climb the ladder to royal wisdom with the whole.....even if I'm wrong ill find a way to be right mentality.

Stop whining every time your sister touches you. You have 3 years on the kid, buck up. I know she's mean but I am pretty sure if you really tried, you could take her. I remember fighting with your Auntie Ky as kids and it drove your Gigi nuts. I also remember her saying she should just let us fight it out and maybe after that we would get along. I don't think I am ready for baby brawl 2014 just yet, but am starting to see what she was saying.

Please....for the love.....learn to poop. In no parenting book anywhere did I read anything about 4.5 year olds refusing to go #2. I also in my wildest of dreams didn't expect to be breaking your once a week turds up with a shish-kabob stick so that they can make it down the toilet. It's gross and if you want to start kindergarten next year, you need to learn to become a self service shitter. Nobody is going to help you at school and you don't want the nick name Kaelyn poo pants Pingul. Blaming your skid marks on the fact that someone allegedly just 'markered ' your underwear isn't going to fly either, so stop. Crayola made the brown marker for coloring things like tree trunks, sand and chocolate. Not for imaginary people to draw skid marks in your Minnie Mouse unders. Furthermore, holding it for days on end isn't healthy and it makes it look like you're pregnant. Pretty sure Target isn't going to be coming out with a kids maternity line anytime soon so shape up, and get that shit out!

I super love you.

Love,
Mom


Dear Leah....aka...Stewie...aka Tracy, (Tracy and Stewie are her alter-egos.)

You are one pretty little thing that's for sure. You get compliments all of the time and sometimes I find myself just staring at you, amazed at how such a little person can be so beautiful. As pretty as you are though, you are equally as crazy. I've never actually been scared of a baby before, but sometimes, you really terrify me. I knew you were a special kind of nuts when I caught you standing on the window sill chewing on the METAL window frame and grunting. You have a mean glare and obvious dislike for the majority of humans that come your way. People's reactions are hysterical when you actually like them, it's as if they won the mean baby lottery or something!

You are the sole reason I have a baby gate blocking my bedroom door. It's my sanctuary and when I run down the hall from you and hop over that gate, I know I have about 2.5 seconds of peace until you get there and start trying to invade my safe zone.

I'm not sure where you got your training but your skills are impressive kid, ill give ya that. You are a cross between a ninja, baby special forces and Chucky. I'm pretty sure you are the CEO of whatever little baby terror club you've created. Thankfully you aren't the greatest at making friends at this time so I don't think you've acquired many members to said club.

I really hope your level of  intense behavior channels into you becoming a natural leader....for good, not evil. Your Mother likes all things happy and enjoys living in a world of rainbows and unicorns. Make me proud.

I super love you.

Love,
Mom