Mama On A String

I'm starting to believe that our children are the rulers and we are simply their subjects. As parents, we may think we are in charge, but really those littles run the show. Ok, so maybe this isn't really true but it sure feels like it some days....or weeks!

Example....

So we play this game every single day where Leah wants string cheese. But.....I wanna do it "MYSEF"" Mom. I wanna open it "MYSEF!" Great. Well we've played this game long enough now that I know she gets mad and ends up asking me do it for her. Once we get it open the game changes and she chews a piece for a second and then decides to hand me the chewed up piece because it suddenly becomes the most disgusting thing she's ever tried eating and I must get it out of her sight that instant! Not the entire string though, just the piece she tried eating. Seeing that she just scaled the fridge like some toddler version of Spiderman seconds before and screaming to have the cheese, I find that it suddenly disgusts her hard to believe. I grab the slobbery regurgitated string cheese with my bare hands, because I'm a Mom and we do shit that that without thinking twice. Sometimes if I am really distracted I forget that it's already been chewed food and almost eat it myself. Lets face it, Mom's live off their kids scraps during the day. Crust and crumbs that have a drizzle of kid slobber should be it's own food group on the pyramid.  I feel like a wild animal sometimes that's just thankful they left me some bits to munch on. My daily food intake is this- Luke warm coffee for breakfast. Two bites of a granola bar I picked up off the couch for a snack. Lunch is crust and 7 goldfish crackers, maybe some half chewed string cheese if I'm lucky. Dinner..well that is my only shot at actually eating a real meal and sometimes I succeed. However, some days I spend so much of that time trying to get the kids to eat, that mine gets cold so I give up and have a glass of wine instead.  We all know if you actually stop to make yourself a meal all your own, the little people will reek havoc and make you wish you never chose to take those 5 minutes to begin with. It's like taking a shower. I know I only have so much time. Get in. Get out. We all remember the time they decided to Sharpie themselves trying to be tigers right?! That's because I took an extra few minutes to shave my legs. That mistake cost me hours of cleaning.

 

 

I actually have good kids too. I can't begin to imagine what it's like for those that don't. I think I will take the sneaky approach. Lose the battle, win the war. When I'm old and senile I will do things like poop in the bath, scream and hit the walls for no reason and write cryptic messages on my wrinkled skin with marker so I can get myself kicked out of the old folks home. I will also call them every 5 minutes and just say their name over and over again, never actually asking a question. It'll be so fun. Great thing about this plan is I probably will be so old I won't remember doing it, so I will repeat it daily!