Sleep Siphons And The Zombie Mom

Sleep, or rather the lack of, can make us parents a little coo-coo for the Cocoa Puffs if you know what I mean. I haven't had a decent sleep pattern since 2009. That's 6 years of being a partial zombie. I'm shocked I can even do the math on that.

The cause of my current zombie state? Those little sleep suckers. I won't call them soul suckers because they are my children and I love them dearly. Actually I think I prefer the name sleep siphons. Yup. My littles are total sleep siphons. Those of you that have kids that just LOVE sleeping, spare me the deets on how all you have to do is have a routine. You just rub their backs 13 times clockwise, reading Goodnight Moon while you still manage to fold laundry or something asinine at the same time. I've tried it all in this house and IT AIN'T HAPPENING Y'ALL. No way, no how. I've tried the back rubbing and the Goodnight Moon reading. Shoot, I've tried the Go The F*ck To Sleep reading. My kids, especially the little Gremster just wants nothing to do with it. I would love to let her just cry it out, but then she wakes her sister and it's a downhill battle for one parent to tackle after that. I know I may sound bitter towards those of you that have good sleepers, and you're right, I am! I am also tired as all get out!

Kaelyn is almost out of this phase and I am pretty much on my knees worshiping her every night before bed. It wasn't an easy road to get there with her, she hated sleep when she was her sister's age too. But Leah, she's the real sleeping peach. NOT! This kid is in a toddler bed. Well she should be, but sometimes she only ends up with certain limbs in the bed and the rest of her is haphazardly on the floor. Toddler beds aren't large and she demands a few things to go along with her every night which is normal. A dog, her 2 noni's (Binky) and a blanket. Now these noni's are specific, One is called kitty noni and the other is 2nd noni, she has a routine with each of them and I can't make sense of it. As of lately, she expects a new dog addition "Big Dog" to join the bed. Big Dog is actually the size of a smaller regular dog. That's a lot to cram into a bed. Oh, but she also requests my presence. Good thing I am kid sized myself. Leah, Big Dog and I are usually intertwined like some pretzel concoction and all I can do is plot my escape. I usually mess this up and wake her up somehow, and if I actually manage to break out of the toddler bed prison, I have about 3 hours before she wakes up and stumbles into my bed. She started to get smart and now has to hold my hand, reducing my chance for a successful escape drastically.

Last night I get her to bed and it went pretty easy because she was tired. My reward in that moment usually just means punishment later, but I'll take it. I crawl into bed with my gummy bears and tea so I can start my movie. Midnight rolls around and my door flies open. I see the dark shadow of some crazy haired, Chucky like little sleep siphon coming for her juice- me. Here we go again. I could easily let her crawl in with me, but that would be a harder habit to break later on, so back to her toddler bed prison it is. I get us all set up with the must haves, including the iPhone for me so I can at least read pointless Elite Daily articles or something while I serve out my term. Her eyes start to close, I hear a snore, and just as I'm starting to think YES! YES! Her death grip on two of my fingers release! Her grip is somewhat loose now so I try my escape, I only had 24 minutes left on my movie and I was determined to finish it. I sneak out my other two fingers and BAM! She's awake. She quickly yanks me back down into her control and wraps every limb around me. My phone also dies so I am just staring at the wall since I refuse to sleep the entire night in the teeny tiny bed. I was going to finish that movie! I mean, Leonardo DiFREAKINCaprio was in it! Need I say more!?

In 2 minutes time I think my thoughts went from liking how my hair smelled, to trying to meal plan for a month, to wondering what kind of Summer we will have, to making a mental note that I needed to bleach the bathtub and clean the kids ears. I look around her room and see that her toys even look passed out, sleeping soundly. Cinderella is on the floor, arms up, looking like she drank too much glitter juice and passed out at midnight. Big Dog had fallen off the bed, but looked peaceful. "Windacorn" her unicorn, was hanging from the string on her curtains. Even though Windacorn was clearly hung, she looked well rested. That's when I realized I was in full on zombie mode. I was envious of her toys, plastic and stuffed! Her limbs start to fall off me and once again her grip loosens. As I attempt at an early release once more, she clings onto my fingernail, YES MY FINGERNAIL people, with all her might and keeps me there. I wait it out just a tad longer and I escape from the bed by doing the duck and roll method onto the floor. People without kids, you just don't understand the set of skills required to sneak out of your kids room sometimes. Just as I'm almost home free I stop because I notice a booger on her wall. It was dark but after nearly 6 years of being a Mom, I know crusted substances when I see them. I take a moment to laugh because boogers on the walls was something my sister used to do as a kid, I somehow triggered Leah's motion activated baby doll that blows you a kiss when you get close to it. It also says "MUAH" really loud. Game over, shes awake. All because I laughed at a flipping crusted booger on the wall. Mom fail #3367- Never laugh at crusted substances during a prison break.

My sentence for trying to break out this time? I caved and brought her into bed with me where we slept, well she slept, peacefully with her hands in mine. She may be the little sleep siphon, but I was clearly the sucker last night.