Sleep Siphons And The Zombie Mom

Sleep, or rather the lack of, can make us parents a little coo-coo for the Cocoa Puffs if you know what I mean. I haven't had a decent sleep pattern since 2009. That's 6 years of being a partial zombie. I'm shocked I can even do the math on that.

The cause of my current zombie state? Those little sleep suckers. I won't call them soul suckers because they are my children and I love them dearly. Actually I think I prefer the name sleep siphons. Yup. My littles are total sleep siphons. Those of you that have kids that just LOVE sleeping, spare me the deets on how all you have to do is have a routine. You just rub their backs 13 times clockwise, reading Goodnight Moon while you still manage to fold laundry or something asinine at the same time. I've tried it all in this house and IT AIN'T HAPPENING Y'ALL. No way, no how. I've tried the back rubbing and the Goodnight Moon reading. Shoot, I've tried the Go The F*ck To Sleep reading. My kids, especially the little Gremster just wants nothing to do with it. I would love to let her just cry it out, but then she wakes her sister and it's a downhill battle for one parent to tackle after that. I know I may sound bitter towards those of you that have good sleepers, and you're right, I am! I am also tired as all get out!

Kaelyn is almost out of this phase and I am pretty much on my knees worshiping her every night before bed. It wasn't an easy road to get there with her, she hated sleep when she was her sister's age too. But Leah, she's the real sleeping peach. NOT! This kid is in a toddler bed. Well she should be, but sometimes she only ends up with certain limbs in the bed and the rest of her is haphazardly on the floor. Toddler beds aren't large and she demands a few things to go along with her every night which is normal. A dog, her 2 noni's (Binky) and a blanket. Now these noni's are specific, One is called kitty noni and the other is 2nd noni, she has a routine with each of them and I can't make sense of it. As of lately, she expects a new dog addition "Big Dog" to join the bed. Big Dog is actually the size of a smaller regular dog. That's a lot to cram into a bed. Oh, but she also requests my presence. Good thing I am kid sized myself. Leah, Big Dog and I are usually intertwined like some pretzel concoction and all I can do is plot my escape. I usually mess this up and wake her up somehow, and if I actually manage to break out of the toddler bed prison, I have about 3 hours before she wakes up and stumbles into my bed. She started to get smart and now has to hold my hand, reducing my chance for a successful escape drastically.

Last night I get her to bed and it went pretty easy because she was tired. My reward in that moment usually just means punishment later, but I'll take it. I crawl into bed with my gummy bears and tea so I can start my movie. Midnight rolls around and my door flies open. I see the dark shadow of some crazy haired, Chucky like little sleep siphon coming for her juice- me. Here we go again. I could easily let her crawl in with me, but that would be a harder habit to break later on, so back to her toddler bed prison it is. I get us all set up with the must haves, including the iPhone for me so I can at least read pointless Elite Daily articles or something while I serve out my term. Her eyes start to close, I hear a snore, and just as I'm starting to think YES! YES! Her death grip on two of my fingers release! Her grip is somewhat loose now so I try my escape, I only had 24 minutes left on my movie and I was determined to finish it. I sneak out my other two fingers and BAM! She's awake. She quickly yanks me back down into her control and wraps every limb around me. My phone also dies so I am just staring at the wall since I refuse to sleep the entire night in the teeny tiny bed. I was going to finish that movie! I mean, Leonardo DiFREAKINCaprio was in it! Need I say more!?

In 2 minutes time I think my thoughts went from liking how my hair smelled, to trying to meal plan for a month, to wondering what kind of Summer we will have, to making a mental note that I needed to bleach the bathtub and clean the kids ears. I look around her room and see that her toys even look passed out, sleeping soundly. Cinderella is on the floor, arms up, looking like she drank too much glitter juice and passed out at midnight. Big Dog had fallen off the bed, but looked peaceful. "Windacorn" her unicorn, was hanging from the string on her curtains. Even though Windacorn was clearly hung, she looked well rested. That's when I realized I was in full on zombie mode. I was envious of her toys, plastic and stuffed! Her limbs start to fall off me and once again her grip loosens. As I attempt at an early release once more, she clings onto my fingernail, YES MY FINGERNAIL people, with all her might and keeps me there. I wait it out just a tad longer and I escape from the bed by doing the duck and roll method onto the floor. People without kids, you just don't understand the set of skills required to sneak out of your kids room sometimes. Just as I'm almost home free I stop because I notice a booger on her wall. It was dark but after nearly 6 years of being a Mom, I know crusted substances when I see them. I take a moment to laugh because boogers on the walls was something my sister used to do as a kid, I somehow triggered Leah's motion activated baby doll that blows you a kiss when you get close to it. It also says "MUAH" really loud. Game over, shes awake. All because I laughed at a flipping crusted booger on the wall. Mom fail #3367- Never laugh at crusted substances during a prison break.

My sentence for trying to break out this time? I caved and brought her into bed with me where we slept, well she slept, peacefully with her hands in mine. She may be the little sleep siphon, but I was clearly the sucker last night.

Dear Prince

 Prince,  

I won't lie, I didn't want you. Life was right where I wanted it to be then. I wasn't interested in caring for an animal, especially one of your size.We had a baby and just bought a home. This home also had white carpet. Key word- HAD.  I remember when Aaron showed me your picture from the shelters website. I thought, pretty dog, but hell to the no. He somehow convinced me to just go look at you. Next thing I know you were laying in the back of my Jeep and we were headed to our newly purchased home with white carpets.

We also had a cat when we adopted you. Again, key word being HAD. One bark out of you and that cat attacked my face, giving me a fat lip. The very next morning you barked again and the cat hid himself in one of the fir trees in the backyard for nearly 24 hours. He was so high up that getting him down required an extension ladder and a pole.

The cat was given a new home.

Upon reading your adoption packet, we were made aware that you may not be fond of other animals. Shocker. It was also brought to our attention that you had been adopted so many times by the age of three, that it was sad. You also didn't know any English commands. Mainly Spanish and some Russian. I didn't want you, but I felt bad for you.

Then one day I was making dinner and you suddenly started going crazy at the front window, barking then running over to me and back to the window. Once I finally went to the window I saw that the neighbor boy had fallen off his bike and nobody else was around him. You were just trying to get my attention. That was when I started getting a soft spot for you.

That was back in the beginning, and now, well now I sit here with tears streaming down my face because I have to start the search for another home for you. Again. I went from not wanting to accept you, to not being able to accept the fact that I can no longer keep you. You have become a huge part of our family. You are somewhat of a local celebrity too, because people just love you! You let the girls torture you. They dress you up, climb on you, chase you, and fight over you. You just lay back and let them run the show. Now that you're the only male in the house you take shifts sleeping in all of our rooms throughout the night. You usually end up settling in the hallway between all our bedroom doors, protecting us.

When I went into labor with Leah, I did the majority of the labor at home so by the time we left for the hospital you were FREAKING OUT. You were so worked up over seeing me in pain that you got sick all over the garage. Bless our neighbors heart for cleaning that up. Or the time that Kaelyn answered the door when a solicitor came. I was on the other end of the house and suddenly heard a grown man shrieking "Uh HELLO! Is there an adult around?" I run down the hall to find Kaelyn standing at the front door with you on the stoop guarding her. That poor college kid was scared shitless! That's also when we realized an upper lock would be beneficial so toddlers can't open doors.

I remember one of the first times Aaron had the girls for the weekend after he moved out. I was alone in the house and it made me sad. Generally I try to keep myself busy when I have free time because being by myself in this house is really hard. Even if it was my choosing, some level of heartache is involved. I closed myself in the bathroom and took a rare moment for a meltdown. You heard me and starting banging your head on the bathroom door until I opened it. You just laid at my feet until I was ready to move. The next morning I woke up and found you not beside my bed, but in it right next to me. You've probably seen me emotional more than any human has, which works for me since you're a dog and can't tell anyone what you see. I mean, you don't even have any animal friends to talk to since you scare anything with fur. People can't know I'm a big baby sometimes, I've got this whole soulless ginger image to keep up.

You have provided us with years of protection, frustration, and love. You made the purchase of a Dyson vacuum so worth it, it's unreal. The amount of dog hair you shed has probably added an extra layer of insulation to the house. Ok, not really, but it sure feels that way. If you had dog friends, I know you'd be the hot dog on the block because of how beautiful you are.

I am so sorry that our life is going in a different direction. One that makes us unable to keep you as our main man any longer.Sorry isn't even the right word. I am absolutely crushed to my core. I want to cry every time I look at you now, since I know our life with you is almost over. This is the start of many transitions for the girls and I. Moving is right around the corner, so I want to make sure we find you a great home. I wish I could say it would be temporary, but I need to be realistic here too. Thinking about splitting you from them brings on an entire different level of heartache for me. I never knew it would be so darn painful. No offense, but you're a dog!! I didn't think I would ever have such an attachment to an animal. Ever. So thank you for allowing us to love you for all these years. Thank you for making me an animal person and thank you for always protecting my babies. I am so sorry this is happening, I wish things could stay the way they are.

I promise to do all I can to make sure you live a good life. We love you Bubs, more than you know.

Right after we first adopted you!

Helping Sis reach the sink.

Loungin.

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At Chambers.

First trip to the Beach! Ok, only trip to the beach.

Bubs and L

Kisses.

Bringing baby home from hospital.

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