Last night, not long after putting the girls to bed I hear sobs coming from Kaelyn's room. I walk in and see her hugging an old picture of her dad and I back from when we first started dating. She was mumbling something, but I wasn't close enough to hear what she was saying. I was frozen in her doorway trying to think of the best way to handle this and trying not to get emotional myself. Well, at least not in front of her. I walk over lay down beside her and ask her what's wrong. She turns to face me, and with her little raspy voice and tear soaked face says- " I just want my Dad to come back. I want you guys to marry each other all day Mom. Can you just marry each other all day again? I love my Dad, and I love you so much. Can you please hug each other?"
My heart sank.
She starts crying a little more. I have silent tears I am trying to hide while I hug her tight. She wraps her arms around me, kissed my cheek, and said- "Thanks for being my happy Mom. I super love you." That's when I broke down. I know that as a parent you need to be strong in certain situations for the sake of your kids, but in this moment I just couldn't. So there we were crying together in her tiny twin bed that once belonged to her Dad as a kid, and I couldn't find a single word to say besides "I know sweetie." All I could do was cry. It was probably one of, if not the rawest moment I've ever had as a parent, maybe as an adult all together. The way she hugged me was so strong, so protective, yet so heartbreaking. In that moment she wasn't just my first born baby girl, she was my rock. I could feel both pain and love passing between us as we laid there together. She seemed so much older in this moment. She showed such strength, such maturity, while still expressing such love. I knew then that it was ok that I wasn't able to find the right words to say. I was able to say sorry, tell her I love her, and assure her that everything would eventually be ok without speaking a word.
I know that kids go through certain stages of grief during a divorce, and I've done my research on how to handle these moments. I was also in her exact spot as a kid myself. However, no amount of reading or notes taken during a parenting class would have prepared me for last night. It's one thing to read something in a book and another to actually be in the moment. I have explained things to her in many ways regarding the situation with her Dad and I. She is aware that she is loved, but it's inevitable that she will feel some hurt as we deal with this. I need to accept that and just continue to do my best to help her process it in order to get her through this change in life.
Did I handle this situation right? Ya know, I'm not sure if there really is an absolute "right way" to handle moments like that. There's a wrong way. But when it comes to what is right, there's definitely some gray area.
Saturday, August 23, 2014
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Being 5 And So Alive! Happy Birthday Kiddo!
Dear Kaelyn,
Happy Birthday bug! Hard to believe you're 5! I know people say this all of the time, but it really does feel like yesterday that I was resting smoothies and snacks on my giant belly, just killing time waiting for you to arrive! I remember the day after you were due, crying to my mid-wife that you just needed to get here already. Not only was I fat and uncomfortable, everyday you were late was a day less your Dad was able to spend with you before he left the country. She worked some magic and that night I went into labor. Your Dad was watching a Mariner's game that just so happened to go into extra innings- 16 to be exact. Ken Griffey Jr. was up to bat and that's when I told your Dad we HHHAAAAAAD to leave right that second. From the time we left the house and got into the car, Griffey won the game for us 1-0 in the bottom of the inning. That game made history for the Mariners and your Dad loves baseball, so he was pretty bummed to miss that play. But I was just certain you were about to fall out any second. Little did I know you would wait hours and hours before deciding to enter this world!
I'm sure you inherited my stubborn streak.
August 13th was the day you chose to make your grand entrance. Which happens to be one year to the day that your Dad and I lost our very first baby. You turned a sad day into such a lovely one for us sweetie, so thank you. You also share birthdays with two of your Great-Great Grandmothers. So even though I was dying to get you out weeks earlier, you picked a great day to be born.
In the past 5 years you have been my world. We spent your entire first year alone, just the two of us. For such a small human back then, you carried so much strength. I'm very strong, but I looked to you often when I would have bad days and you always made it better. Holding you, hugging you, hearing you laugh or just watching you sleep would always give me the pick me up I needed. I am forever grateful for the joy you've brought into my life, and am so thankful that ahead lies a lifetime of making memories with you. Living so full of love, laughter and fingers crossed- pooping alone on the toilet....for both of us actually. Bathroom privacy, or lack of, is something most moms miss. We also love the moment our kids are self sufficient on the throne in regards to #2. When you're a teen and get mad at me for saying no to something (trust me all kids do this) just remember....I've had your bodily fluids on my bare hands more times than I'd like to ever admit, so it's within my "Mom rights" to say no every so often.
You are always the silly, kind, goofy kid that gets along with everyone. Your raspy little voice always makes people laugh and you have such a creative imagination. I love watching your little mind work.
Because I love you so much, I wish I could be a sponge for you that absorbs any pain you may experience in life, especially with the major transitions happening for us right now. However, I know being a good parent doesn't mean shielding you from every hard time life throws your way. I just hope at the very least, you feel 10x the amount of love as you ever do pain. I know you are too young to understand the why's behind all that's happening right now. Regardless of it all, your Dad and I love you and your sister so much and will always find a way to work together to benefit the well being of you both.
Thank you for hiding stuffed animals in my bed so I don't have to sleep alone when you are away and the house is empty. Thank you for always waking up and being so cheerful, saying things like "Wake up! It's a good morning day!" Thank you for growing so fast. I'm sure you'll be taller than me soon, which is good. I could really use some help reaching the upper shelves. Most important of all, thank you for just being. Your existence alone is such a gift in itself.
I hope you read all the letters I've written you one day. Your Gigi did the same for me, and I hold those so close to my heart. You and your sister are all I'll ever need. The two of you complete me in a way I never thought possible. When you have little midgets of your own, you'll understand exactly what I'm saying. I hope you continue to grow with your chin up, some sass in your pants, and with kindness in your heart.
It's been an honor being your Mom thus far and I am so excited for what our future holds. I super love you kiddo.
Happy Birthday bug! Hard to believe you're 5! I know people say this all of the time, but it really does feel like yesterday that I was resting smoothies and snacks on my giant belly, just killing time waiting for you to arrive! I remember the day after you were due, crying to my mid-wife that you just needed to get here already. Not only was I fat and uncomfortable, everyday you were late was a day less your Dad was able to spend with you before he left the country. She worked some magic and that night I went into labor. Your Dad was watching a Mariner's game that just so happened to go into extra innings- 16 to be exact. Ken Griffey Jr. was up to bat and that's when I told your Dad we HHHAAAAAAD to leave right that second. From the time we left the house and got into the car, Griffey won the game for us 1-0 in the bottom of the inning. That game made history for the Mariners and your Dad loves baseball, so he was pretty bummed to miss that play. But I was just certain you were about to fall out any second. Little did I know you would wait hours and hours before deciding to enter this world!
I'm sure you inherited my stubborn streak.
August 13th was the day you chose to make your grand entrance. Which happens to be one year to the day that your Dad and I lost our very first baby. You turned a sad day into such a lovely one for us sweetie, so thank you. You also share birthdays with two of your Great-Great Grandmothers. So even though I was dying to get you out weeks earlier, you picked a great day to be born.
In the past 5 years you have been my world. We spent your entire first year alone, just the two of us. For such a small human back then, you carried so much strength. I'm very strong, but I looked to you often when I would have bad days and you always made it better. Holding you, hugging you, hearing you laugh or just watching you sleep would always give me the pick me up I needed. I am forever grateful for the joy you've brought into my life, and am so thankful that ahead lies a lifetime of making memories with you. Living so full of love, laughter and fingers crossed- pooping alone on the toilet....for both of us actually. Bathroom privacy, or lack of, is something most moms miss. We also love the moment our kids are self sufficient on the throne in regards to #2. When you're a teen and get mad at me for saying no to something (trust me all kids do this) just remember....I've had your bodily fluids on my bare hands more times than I'd like to ever admit, so it's within my "Mom rights" to say no every so often.
You are always the silly, kind, goofy kid that gets along with everyone. Your raspy little voice always makes people laugh and you have such a creative imagination. I love watching your little mind work.
Because I love you so much, I wish I could be a sponge for you that absorbs any pain you may experience in life, especially with the major transitions happening for us right now. However, I know being a good parent doesn't mean shielding you from every hard time life throws your way. I just hope at the very least, you feel 10x the amount of love as you ever do pain. I know you are too young to understand the why's behind all that's happening right now. Regardless of it all, your Dad and I love you and your sister so much and will always find a way to work together to benefit the well being of you both.
Thank you for hiding stuffed animals in my bed so I don't have to sleep alone when you are away and the house is empty. Thank you for always waking up and being so cheerful, saying things like "Wake up! It's a good morning day!" Thank you for growing so fast. I'm sure you'll be taller than me soon, which is good. I could really use some help reaching the upper shelves. Most important of all, thank you for just being. Your existence alone is such a gift in itself.
I hope you read all the letters I've written you one day. Your Gigi did the same for me, and I hold those so close to my heart. You and your sister are all I'll ever need. The two of you complete me in a way I never thought possible. When you have little midgets of your own, you'll understand exactly what I'm saying. I hope you continue to grow with your chin up, some sass in your pants, and with kindness in your heart.
It's been an honor being your Mom thus far and I am so excited for what our future holds. I super love you kiddo.
Sunday, August 10, 2014
When Life Gives You A Ladder- Make Cobbler
"Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know." -Pema Chodron
I've seen this quote around a few times lately, so it caught my attention given the whirlwind of crap happening these days. While it may be a very true statement, if we are always learning, does that mean nothing ever really goes away? This can be good or bad, depending on circumstances. It can be people, places or things. Lately, I've often wondered what I'm being taught during this phase in my life. It seems like whenever I turn around something else is happening. Certain things just won't go away, both positive and negative, past and present. I would really like to give props to my sarcastic sense of humor and German genes for keeping me tough and relatively sane. Without those two things, I'm pretty sure I would be within the confines of some secret hideout somewhere, just waiting for this life storm to pass. My littles are also a huge motivator in keeping me solid during all of this craziness, but that's a given. I love those little shits to the end of the earth and beyond!
Today I was given a good example for what that quote can mean to someone.
A few years ago, after buying our house, someone (who shall remain nameless) just had to buy this GIANT 40ft ladder off of a friend of ours. I remember it was at a time when money was tight, so I felt it was a pointless purchase. The ladder arrived at our house, prior to purchase, because it was used to rescue our cat that was trapped high up in a tree. Prince, our newly adopted beast dog was to blame for the cat in the tree scenario. That is when we found out he was less than willing to tolerate other animals.
That was also the ONLY time that ladder has ever been used.
The ladders permanent resting place is on some hooks alongside our fence, right outside the master bedroom window no less. Not only was I against the purchase of the thing to begin with, I've had to stare at it daily for nearly 4 years now. Last year I noticed some blackberry bushes starting to wrap around the ladder. I was instantly annoyed because obviously, it has no use here. Today I woke up sad because I was in an empty house, for the second night in a row and I just wanted to be with my girls. That's when I happened to look out my window and noticed all kinds of plump blackberries ready for pickin!
So you know what I'm gonna do? Pick them and make a cobbler. Why? Because I may hate that ladder, but I fucking love me some cobbler!! Those berries wouldn't be there without that big hunk of metal hanging on my fence. What did I learn from this? That sometimes something you don't like or don't see having a purpose can change into something useful given time. I know it's just a stupid ladder, but really....... is that some irony or what?
So now that I've learned what I've needed to from that thing, it can go. Ladder anyone? Because I'm keeping the cobbler for myself.
I've seen this quote around a few times lately, so it caught my attention given the whirlwind of crap happening these days. While it may be a very true statement, if we are always learning, does that mean nothing ever really goes away? This can be good or bad, depending on circumstances. It can be people, places or things. Lately, I've often wondered what I'm being taught during this phase in my life. It seems like whenever I turn around something else is happening. Certain things just won't go away, both positive and negative, past and present. I would really like to give props to my sarcastic sense of humor and German genes for keeping me tough and relatively sane. Without those two things, I'm pretty sure I would be within the confines of some secret hideout somewhere, just waiting for this life storm to pass. My littles are also a huge motivator in keeping me solid during all of this craziness, but that's a given. I love those little shits to the end of the earth and beyond!
Today I was given a good example for what that quote can mean to someone.
A few years ago, after buying our house, someone (who shall remain nameless) just had to buy this GIANT 40ft ladder off of a friend of ours. I remember it was at a time when money was tight, so I felt it was a pointless purchase. The ladder arrived at our house, prior to purchase, because it was used to rescue our cat that was trapped high up in a tree. Prince, our newly adopted beast dog was to blame for the cat in the tree scenario. That is when we found out he was less than willing to tolerate other animals.
That was also the ONLY time that ladder has ever been used.
The ladders permanent resting place is on some hooks alongside our fence, right outside the master bedroom window no less. Not only was I against the purchase of the thing to begin with, I've had to stare at it daily for nearly 4 years now. Last year I noticed some blackberry bushes starting to wrap around the ladder. I was instantly annoyed because obviously, it has no use here. Today I woke up sad because I was in an empty house, for the second night in a row and I just wanted to be with my girls. That's when I happened to look out my window and noticed all kinds of plump blackberries ready for pickin!
So you know what I'm gonna do? Pick them and make a cobbler. Why? Because I may hate that ladder, but I fucking love me some cobbler!! Those berries wouldn't be there without that big hunk of metal hanging on my fence. What did I learn from this? That sometimes something you don't like or don't see having a purpose can change into something useful given time. I know it's just a stupid ladder, but really....... is that some irony or what?
So now that I've learned what I've needed to from that thing, it can go. Ladder anyone? Because I'm keeping the cobbler for myself.
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