The Hurtie Thirty

Nothing screams single and 30 quite like the excitement I felt when I found a coupon for $1.50 off of a pint of Ben & Jerry's in my purse the other day.

Really, I was excited. There are so many flavors to choose from that it's like Disneyland for my indecisive mind. I enjoy the challenge, but i'm also a total weirdo so.... whatever. If I start acquiring cats and drinking fuzzy navel wine coolers, feel free to stage an intervention.

I don't really understand why people call it THE DIRTY THIRTY? I don't feel dirty at all. I feel like THE HURTIE THIRTY (I make up words, just go with it.)  is more appropriate. Because lets face it, it kind of hurts. Both mentally and physically! I had what most people strive for at a very young age, in today's world anyways. The house, husband, and family. Now I am literally starting life over at 30. The great thing about that is that I know who I am, what I want, and where i'd love to end up. Something I don't think I really knew in my early 20's. On the flip side, I am also scared as all hell because I have my little lady loves by my side, so it's not just about me. I am so incredibly proud to be their Mother. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. So naturally, I want to do all I can to give them the best quality of life possible. I think the biggest struggle I have with getting divorced is disappointing them because it was my choice. I am choosing to become a single parent. I know there are plenty of people out there that live this way, I just never expected to be one of them. So I will just cross my baby fingers that I make the littles proud.

On a lighter note, I can totally tell some major differences in my body and brain....both good and bad. My brain has really lost its luster in some ways now that I am a parent and I am getting **cough** older **cough cough**. However, im one heck of a multitasker! I can be on the phone, computer, fold laundry, and watch TV all at the same time. Although, I still spill my wine down the front of my face while trying to take a sip like I just stepped off the sippy cup train.

I have this crazy insane ability that allows me to remember pretty much every small useless detail on earth, or what my friend wore the first day I met them 20 years ago. If you know me well enough you know this to be true and it can get somewhat freaky at times. Do you think I can remember the user name or password to any of the bills I pay online? Or if I actually washed my hair in the shower? That is a big fat no!

Oh and the body....the body.... I may be small but that doesn't mean everything is right. From 24-29 I've weighed 110lbs, up to a plump 178lbs! When you are 5ft tall a 60+ weight gain during a pregnancy isn't pleasant. I will have to blame both ice cream sandwiches and my lack of self control for a good chunk of that weight. I don't want to say I have stretch marks, it's more like permanent tally marks for all the Klondike bars and double stuffed Oreo's I consumed. Everything looks fine when I stand, but it's when I sit that the real magic happens. Things just spread out. Anyone else do the real sexy skin tuck? Making sure your loose bits are tucked away in your jeans, etc. It's super attractive. Lets not even get me started on the chest region. Those useless skin bags have been on my shit list most of my life and they obviously have no desire to rectify that. I suppose I could start going to the gym to help fix the flab, but who am I kidding, gyms aren't really my thang. I can rock 3.5 pull ups though. So what if it was after a high octane margarita and I was sore the next day.

Not all the changes in body and brain since becoming a parent and aging are bad. We live in a time now that when it comes to our bodies we can either embrace it or erase it, and I'll definitely embrace it. I am well aware that 30 isn't really old. I guess I just notice some things are different. Where I am now is like a preview for what's to come with old age. I may be knee deep in pee, poo, and diapers with my kids but one day the tables will turn and it will be me in the diapers. I could probably benefit from some Depends now, thanks to the littles. So please think twice before scaring me, or making me laugh really really hard!

I am excited to embark on this new chapter in life. I am beyond thankful for all the good things I have surrounding me. It really does make this time of transition much easier. Sure it's somewhat scary, but I am a soulless ginger after all. We bounce back pretty easily.

Vaginas in China?

There are funny moments in parenting. Sad moments. Frustrating moments.

Then there are moments like this....

K- What do the boys and the girls have Mommy?! Do I have a penis?

Me-No kiddo. Boys have a penis, and girls have a vagina.

K-So I don't have a penis...yet?

Me- Awkward pause.... her youth flashes before my eyes and I start to panic.

No. You have a vagina.

How do you explain this to a 4 year old?! I am naturally a very matter of fact person, so that is the approach I decided to take when explaining the P and V to my first born. If I went about it the wrong way, I will learn and correct it once the Gremlin asks the same question one day.

For days she would ask "Does so and so have a penis Mom? Does the dog have lots of penises or vaginas?" Most days this was before I had consumed any of my luke warm/cold coffee I need to survive as a parent. She would ask where these parts are located. The day she told me that they are gross, I finally thought the topic had died down some. I was wrong. She was just gearing up for more questions. Somehow asking does so and so have this turned into "Mom what's on their butt? A P or a V?" No kid, our private parts are on the front. Speaking of private, it's ok that you ask me these questions but you need to understand that these are private parts and should you have any questions ask Mom and Dad instead of random people in the grocery store.

So the other morning we were snuggling in my bed and watching a cartoon, I was barely awake and Kaelyn struck up another private part convo.

K-EWWWWW GROSS! Mom why is Olivia is going to VaChina!?

Me- Kaelyn she is going to China. China is a country, that's different.

K- So my vagina is a country? We live in the United States of America Mom, is that a vagina country too?

Me- No Kaelyn CHINA is a country all by itself, just like the United States. Olivia from the cartoon is going there to visit. It has nothing to do with private parts. I know it sounds similar, but the two are not connected ok.

K- Gahhh this stuff is really confusing Mom.

Me- You have no idea girlfriend.

So later that day we were driving past a farm that had some cows.

K- Are those cows Mom?

Me- Yes.

K- What do they have on their butts? Vaginas in China or a penis?

Me- Kaelyn! China is a country and a Va.........nevermind! You know what cows give us? Milk!

K- How Mom?

Me- (Gloating thinking I've successfully changed the subject for a bit.) Well they have these things called utters and you if you squeeze them, milk comes out.

K- Oh yeah Mom and the farmers put it in a bucket!

Me- Yes!!

K- Do your utters milk too Mom? Do you put it a bucket? Do boys have utters or just the girls?

HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!