Vaginas in China?

There are funny moments in parenting. Sad moments. Frustrating moments.

Then there are moments like this....

K- What do the boys and the girls have Mommy?! Do I have a penis?

Me-No kiddo. Boys have a penis, and girls have a vagina.

K-So I don't have a penis...yet?

Me- Awkward pause.... her youth flashes before my eyes and I start to panic.

No. You have a vagina.

How do you explain this to a 4 year old?! I am naturally a very matter of fact person, so that is the approach I decided to take when explaining the P and V to my first born. If I went about it the wrong way, I will learn and correct it once the Gremlin asks the same question one day.

For days she would ask "Does so and so have a penis Mom? Does the dog have lots of penises or vaginas?" Most days this was before I had consumed any of my luke warm/cold coffee I need to survive as a parent. She would ask where these parts are located. The day she told me that they are gross, I finally thought the topic had died down some. I was wrong. She was just gearing up for more questions. Somehow asking does so and so have this turned into "Mom what's on their butt? A P or a V?" No kid, our private parts are on the front. Speaking of private, it's ok that you ask me these questions but you need to understand that these are private parts and should you have any questions ask Mom and Dad instead of random people in the grocery store.

So the other morning we were snuggling in my bed and watching a cartoon, I was barely awake and Kaelyn struck up another private part convo.

K-EWWWWW GROSS! Mom why is Olivia is going to VaChina!?

Me- Kaelyn she is going to China. China is a country, that's different.

K- So my vagina is a country? We live in the United States of America Mom, is that a vagina country too?

Me- No Kaelyn CHINA is a country all by itself, just like the United States. Olivia from the cartoon is going there to visit. It has nothing to do with private parts. I know it sounds similar, but the two are not connected ok.

K- Gahhh this stuff is really confusing Mom.

Me- You have no idea girlfriend.

So later that day we were driving past a farm that had some cows.

K- Are those cows Mom?

Me- Yes.

K- What do they have on their butts? Vaginas in China or a penis?

Me- Kaelyn! China is a country and a Va.........nevermind! You know what cows give us? Milk!

K- How Mom?

Me- (Gloating thinking I've successfully changed the subject for a bit.) Well they have these things called utters and you if you squeeze them, milk comes out.

K- Oh yeah Mom and the farmers put it in a bucket!

Me- Yes!!

K- Do your utters milk too Mom? Do you put it a bucket? Do boys have utters or just the girls?

HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!

Kids are Tricky.

**HUGE DISCLAIMER..... I hope anyone that chooses to read this knows my level of sarcasm is extremely high. I WOULD NEVER actually call my children such names ever. Don't want to offend anyone out there...that is all.**


Kids are bitches.

Excuse my bluntness there. Actually no, I will stand by my previous statement. KIDS.ARE.BITCHES....SOMETIMES! They are also cute, funny, sticky, smelly, soft, sneaky, innocent, and just down right adorable.

Do I feel bad for saying that kids can be bitches? Nope. Yano why? We all can get that way from time to time. Any parent that claims to have perfect children that never drive them nuts.. well.. they are probably nuts themselves.

The other day I felt like I was knee deep in kid fiascos every time I turned around. Now I get it, kids will be kids and all that. Some days things are great and not much gets to me. Some days everything they do just bugs the crap out of me. (Except hugs and kisses....those are always welcome.)

I spent the morning cleaning and so it was slightly annoying when I walked into one of the living rooms to find Kaelyn and Leah playing pirates. Complete with cardboard rolls as swords. They are playing so what's the big deal, right? Well they in order to get the cardboard rolls they had to raid my kitchen drawer and unwrap all the foil, plastic wrap, and parchment paper. In true kid fashion it was ALL OVER my living room. They also shredded up some newspaper like confetti and yelled "SURPRISE!!! Welcome to the party!!" when I walked into the room.

Party my ass. Pffft..... I don't even think I would consider that strike one, maybe strike .5.

After I convince them to clean it up, Kaelyn's cleaning bug strikes and she grabs the windex. I explain to her that kids shouldn't use windex.

K-Why Mom?

Me- Because it's for grown ups to use.

K-Why?

(Leah grunts in the background...how very Gremlin of her.)

Me-Because it has chemicals and those are bad.

K- Why mom? I want to clean.

Me- NO! The windex has chemicals and chemicals are bad for kids to play with.

K- But WHHHHYYY?

After ten times of going back and forth with the WHHHYYY I say..... BECAUSE CHEMICALS ARE BAD AND CAN KILL YOU!!!!! Gremlin grunts again and then laughs like a loon.

She quietly placed the windex back on the counter. Who am I?! A mean mom that makes windex death threats to toddlers?! Not my best Mom moment, but also not my worst.

Later on someone magically markered in Kaelyn's Minnies. As usual, it's a mystery to her how it happened. Well I am so over scrubbing the Minnies clean that I made her walk around with no pants on. Thought I was smart... then after 20 times of me shouting "Stop grabbing your Vagina Kaelyn," (which only made her do it more) I gave up and gave her another pair of Minnies. I know that all kids creep their parents out when they discover their nether regions, and I need to just ignore it because saying something only makes her do it more and I don't want to shout "Stop grabbing your Vagina" while in Fred Meyer one day.

Some time passes, and they decide to have a tea party. I thought it was a smart idea to give them unopened tea bags to use for pretend play. They are quietly playing in Kaelyn's room forever and I AM SOOOOOO HAPPY about it. I peek in to check on them and all 6 tea bags are out of the package, ripped open and tea is all over her floor! Remember that cleaning I did? Yeah, vacuuming was part of that. I then see white spots all over her floor and ask what it is. "Oh Mom, that's just some milk for the tea party!" What would possess them to make in rain milk all over the carpet??! Oh yeah, it's because kids are bitches.

The final straw that day.......Catching Kaelyn changing Leah's diaper. Now normally I would be all for her helping out with diaper duty. If it was pee.....which this was not.

So yeah, that's why kids can be bitches and moms can get bitchy. It's like the circle of life....for bitchiness.

Trials and Poop-ulations

Who wishes to wipe their 4.5 year olds rear end on a daily basis?

This guuuurrrrllll right here!!!

Now don't get all grossed out because who REALLY enjoys wiping tush? NOBODY! However, if I am ASSisting in the wipe job that means she is actually going....get my drift? I never imagined dealing with a kid that is so stubborn on the poo front. She knows how to go, she just refuses to do so. We have gone through countless pairs of "Minnie's" and pretty much clogged every toilet in the 253. I wish I would have bought stock in Pedia-lax because I have dropped a pretty penny on children's suppositories as well. There have been some real crappy (pun intended) memories of the trials and poop-ulations for Miss Kaelyn and her #2's.

It all started when she was 9 months old when we ventured to CO and she got extremely backed up. After much discomfort and a huge belly, my pal Bri ventured to the store for suppositories and wine. I've shared this story plenty of times before, but 10 seconds after we gave it to her things were literally flying out of her rear end. Great for her, bad for us. Why you ask? When things are airborne and headed your direction your natural reaction is to put your hands up and block it....enough said.

Another great tale took place last spring while we were at a friends house. I must clarify that this friend of mine wasn't my BFF or anyone even close to that. (Not that what happened would have been acceptable at my BFF's, I just know she wouldn't have judged me....as much.) Well Kaelyn was fighting it all day and happened to be wearing a dress. She was dancing around in the living room while I was talking to my friend and I see Leah crawling towards something that looked like a piece of dog food. The mom in me quickly bends down and grabs the "dog food" so my crawling Gremlin wouldn't munch on it. If it was my house my reaction wouldn't be as fast because we all know that things slip after kid #1. **If you are judging me for that comment you either have no kids or you are still hovering over kid #1. Just wait, you'll join my club soon!** Munching on a little piece of dog food wouldn't be the end of the world, but since I didn't know what kind of dog food it was I didn't want to chance it. Well... turns out it wasn't dog food, but was in fact, a piece of rabbit turd from child's behind that must have flown out of her Minnie's while she was twirling around in her dress. I realize this as the rabbit turd was in my hand, my friend was 5 feet away from me and we are in the middle of a conversation. Since we weren't BFF's I flushed that shit down the toilet, sanitized my hands and tried to pretend nothing happened! Can we say mortified!!??!!

Every excuse has been thrown my way as to why she JUST.CAN'T.GO.

Someone markered in my unnawears Mom!

I can't go. Nobody's got time for that!

But Mooooooommmm! Leah doesn't use the potty!

It just can't come out. Uggghhhhhhh!!! I trying soooo hard Mom and nothing!

The list goes on...But Monday's excuse, Monday takes the cake.

She fought the urge all morning before school. On the way to the car, she stops walking and gets the dreaded face and her body freezes up. With Leah already in the car, I know I have about 2.5 seconds to get Kaelyn to the toilet. I get her frozen stiff self there, go back to the doorway so I can have a view of Leah in the car while still being within talking range to the poo princess. She's crying, Leah's screaming and I am running interference between the two little diva's. No poo. School goes by and she makes the face again around lunch. Rush to the bathroom again and nothing. She comes out and tells me "Mom, My poo keeps getting away from me. It's prolly just shy, and you can't make it talk if it's shy...OK MOM!" Um no kiddo, it's getting away from you, and that's called prairie doggin it!!

After dinner she was outside with the neighborhood kids riding bikes and playing with guns. After awhile I see all the boys playing and I see Kaelyn behind a bush wearing her helmet and making the face again. So once more we race inside and FINALLY we succeeded!!!! Helmet and all........

 

In case you didn't know, parenting is so glamorous!

Honesty, Honestly.

"Sometimes the truth hurts. Other times it's a very accurate description of your boobs." -Jessie Ford...... Friend for life!

Am I perfect? Not even close. Do I want to be? Not a chance. Do I still aim to please and wish to be right all of the time? Why yes, yes I do. So one can only imagine the mental strife that occurs when someone admits to not being "perfect" but is a control freak and strives to have perfection in most areas of life. Is that somewhat contradictory? Yes. So welcome to my world.

We constantly preach to our kids to be honest, to tell the truth. Honesty is the fairness and straightforwardness of conduct. You can do no wrong if you tell the truth. As child, maybe not. Kids can have complete word vomit and we don't think twice. We think it's hilarious, cute and in most cases refreshing. When your 4 year old walks in on you in the bath and says "Mommy, your boobies look like hot dogs." You laugh, because after two kids, you know deep down that statement may ring true just a bit. (No that did not happen to me, but to a friend, and for that friends sake I will not name them!) Children can say it like it is and there are no real consequences for those actions. If anything, we encourage them. Encourage them to be honest.

I can't help but wonder, does the innocence of youth allow more freedom of speech? Because if adults always practiced such honesty in life, all hell would break loose.

So it really makes me want to know if what Benny Franklin used to say back in the day, "Honesty is the best policy"  holds much weight. While in most cases I feel like being honest, truthful and sincere will get you much further in life, there are times when I feel that there is nothing wrong with guarding certain things you choose to share with the world. It's not about being dishonest, it's more about discretion. Maybe one will use discretion because they don't want to hurt the feelings of someone they love. One may also use discretion because they are afraid of how they themselves would be judged by the ones they love. Because of that type of mentality, the use of discretion can often destroy. It can damage relationships, and it can also damage your own well being, even if you are well intentioned at heart. Honesty- dammed if ya do, dammed if ya don't.

I have always been one that speaks my mind. Blunt and direct. Blame it on the fact that I'm a soulless ginger I suppose. Some can handle it, others can't. As an adult, I am really learning that being straightforward isn't as easy as one would hope. When "keeping it real" so to speak backfires, the control freak in me can't just let it be. I need to continue trying to prove my point and make it right. In my mind, that's the right thing to do. I really need to learn to just let certain things go. I won't be able to please everyone, no matter how hard I try. It doesn't matter if I am being blunt or I am guarding how I approach the topic, someone is bound to not like it. And I really need to learn to be ok with that.

My world sort of caught on fire last week and the practice of both honesty and discretion were key factors in some of what happened. There has been a lot happening over the last year with me personally, and while many people in my life know the details of what's been going on, there are still some that don't. It's not about me being dishonest or secretive, I just chose to exercise (that's one of the few times you'll hear me use the word exercise)  the use of discretion in certain areas of my life. For one, it wasn't overly positive so what good would I be doing if I flaunted tons of negativity all over social media, etc? Second, it's a private issue so who I choose to share certain aspects of my life with is up to me. So when a match was lit under a highly personal situation in my life recently, the phrase "I was just trying to be honest" was said to me. While that may be true in their mind, I somewhat disagree. Flaunting things on social media doesn't necessarily make you honest. It just makes you public. You put something out there for everyone to see and you automatically invite public opinion. When you don't like what you are hearing, it makes you defensive, but you are the one that hit 'post' so deal with it, right? If only it were that easy.

I know I'm a tough cookie most of the time. Showing emotion isn't something I'm great at. I bottle it all in and then every so often, I crack. I hope that I can teach my kids to be both strong and compassionate. Sure, I know how to be compassionate but when you factor in my lack of emotion at times, blunt nature and stubbornness, it's easy to see why people call my kind soulless gingers. I own the choices I've made in the last year, regardless of wrong or right, public or discreet. Maybe one day I will open up and share more of the nitty gritty, but now really isn't that time. I've got to fan these flames and get shit a movin.

A friend who knows the the dirty deets of my life and has seen me during one of my "emotional crack" moments recommended a book for me to read. I am so glad he chose to share something with me that once helped him. I can't wait to read it. This quote jumped out right away.

"Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering."

Something to practice, and something to preach I suppose. I am beyond thankful for all the weirdo's in my life that keep me in check. Whether you know what's going on or not, thank you. You support me when I need it and tell me to calm the hell down when my red headed nature takes over and starts setting the rest of me on fire!

 

Little People in the Big City.

I love my Colorado family. So when I hear they are coming to Seattle for the weekend, come hell or high water, i'm gonna find time to see them.

Well that's EXACTLY what happened. A little hell and a whole lotta water. (And some love of course, because seeing them was totally worth it!)

First let's chat about the amount of crap you have to pack in order to take two small kids to Seattle in the rain when you don't have any real plans of what you're doing. They were staying in a hotel so we talked about swimming. Pack suits. Check. Crap, I don't have one, lets hope they will play with the kids in the pool while I sit on the sidelines and take pictures or something. Water wings...double check. There's the diapers for the Gremlin, wipes, a change of clothes per kid, yano just in case. Definitely an extra pair of Minnie's for Kaelyn since she likes to skid her unders on the daily. I'll need a plastic bag to hold the 'markered Minnie's' should such an event take place. Then you have snacks, juice, stroller...wait, stroller may be a bad idea depending on what we do, so bring the front pack and stroller, a plethora of coats, mittens and a few toys for entertainment in the car. Is your brain fried yet?!? People without kids may not be able to relate that part, but I know the majority of my parent friends have been there. The bag I was using alone took 20 minutes to pick out. If we are walking around and Leah is in the front pack I cant use an over the shoulder bag, but the backpack isn't big enough to hold the swim gear, snacks, and clothes. Crap and my purse! What am I going to do with that? My attempts to be as light as possible were failing in a major way and we haven't even left the house. I chose to leave right after lunch in hopes that Leah would nap in the car. Let's just say that was a mistake.

We get to Seattle and park somewhat central near Pike Place. $20 for two hours of parking! Since when did an hour of parking cost more than minimum wage? I start to unload the Gremlin that didn't nap into the front pack. She's thrusting her body against me screaming. It's raining. I'm hungry. I get her wiggly ass in there and I can't clip the back of the pack! Drats! I ask this relatively normal looking woman parking near me for assistance, she looks at me and without saying a word walks off. I'm not sure if she saw my struggle with getting Leah into the pack and didn't want to get near her out of fear she was some rabid animal, but I was pissed off and was literally getting pissed on by the rain. Not to mention this was eating into my 2 hours of parking I already paid for. Stroller it is. Get situated and off we go to the market. Finally! Two steps onto Pike and I hear "Mommy I need to go potty real bad!" She's crossing her leg and holding herself so I know she wasn't messing around. Are you kidding?! Finding a restroom quickly in downtown Seattle, with one kid that can hardly walk she needs to pee so bad and a giant all-terrain stroller that's caging the Gremlin is going to be impossible! We venture into the nearest store and ask nicely if there's a restroom. Kaelyn is wiggling next to me, so it's obvious that its for her.
Store clerk- aka pee patrol meanie: No sorry, we don't have a bathroom.
Mama on the edge (That's me.):It's for my daughter, please...I'll buy something.
Pee Patrol Meanie: Sorry we can't.
Random shopper hero: (she had two baskets full of touristy treasures.) I won't buy any of this if you don't let that little girl use the restroom.
Pee Patrol Meanie: Fine. But Mom, you can't come into the back, she has to go herself.

What the French toast!? Are you on crack? My 4 year old is NOT going back into your stockroom by herself. Well she did, but I got to peek through the door and the bathroom was just a few feet past that. Thanks to that random shopper!

We are finally back on the sidewalk headed to The Crumpet Shop where we were meeting up. I was told to go there by one of my lovely friends and boy am I glad we did. I was already overwhelmed and sweating like a pig even though it was pouring rain. I spot my awesome Aunt, Uncle and Cousin there so we order some crumpets, sit in an alcove and enjoy our snack. I can't even eat mine because Gremlin is crying and needed to be held. Thankfully my Aunt cut mine into bite size pieces for me to devour. She probably would have fed me like a bird if needed because the look of defeat on my face at that point was getting rather obvious. The little bit of sugar from that tasty treat is probably what saved me from going crazy in the big city.

We wander around and do a few touristy things. The rain is kind of getting in the way and the girls are cold so what do we end up doing?! Hanging out at the food court in Westlake Center....just talking, eating fishy crackers and playing hide and seek with Kaelyn's balloon animal giraffe she got from one of Seattle's finest. We really know how to keep it classy, and I sure know how to show my out of town family a good time! Ha!

And just like that.....it's 3pm. Our two hours is up. I am so thankful my Aunt and Uncle are such patient people and just wonderful with kids! I just felt awful I could barely hold a conversation with them the entire time we were getting waterlogged on the Seattle streets. It took me 40 minutes to get out of downtown due to construction and I really felt like pulling over and napping alongside my kids since they crashed in 2.5 seconds. Instead, I let the defeat get to me and I cried for just a second. Shoot, I was already wet from the raindrops, a few tear drops weren't gonna make a difference. Now before ya'll freak out at my freak out....Relax! I wasn't having a mega cry fest on I-5 while driving my precious cargo home, but sometimes us parents just get flippin overwhelmed and we shed a few tears when nobody's watching. Then we slap ourselves and move on because we know we don't have time for that shit.

The girls and I drop off the front pack my friend let us borrow that I didn't even get to use, and then delivered some of the tasty treats to the friend that suggested stopping by the crumpet place if we had time. After that we ended up at another friends house for dinner. I was able to plop on the sofa while dinner was cooked for me, cold beers were served to me and my kids were watching a movie. As relaxing as that was, by the time my steak was sitting in front of my face I didn't have any energy left to even eat it. So I just stared at it for awhile, took a few bites so I didn't look rude or wasteful and decided to call it a night.

Some days being a parent is easy peasy and then there are days that every minute seems to be hectic. This may have been one of the hectic days, but I was able to laugh at the madness. So what if was between a few tears. My kids seem to cry all the live long day...I was just trying to join the party.

Pity party for one? Check.

One Banana, Two Banana, Three Banana...FLOOR!

My girls are complete opposites and sometimes I find myself being entertained at how different they really are. Granted, there are plenty of other times that its not entertaining and it's down right frustrating! (This next story was one of the entertaining ones.)

The other day I was sitting on the couch with the girls and Leah gets up, goes over to the counter and points at the bananas. I see her little brain working and I knew she was going to find a way to get them herself. Heck, she already pulled that awesome stunt with getting the 10 inch knife out of the drawer, getting a banana on her own should be a piece of cake...right? She scoots a stool over to the counter gets up on it and still can't reach. She sees the dog enter the kitchen and yelled some gibberish to get him to stop. Again, she points to the bananas and looks at him. Without hesitation my beast of a dog stands on his hind legs, gets up on the counter and gets the bunch of bananas! While he is holding the bananas in his mouth Leah rips one off, peels it and walks off munching away, satisfied with her recent accomplishment. By peeling it I really mean she was squatted on the floor, banging it on the ground and grunting until it popped the peel open a bit. She then proceeded to peel it and went about her way. Very primitive caveman-ish Gremlin behavior. Meanwhile Prince chews one inch off the end of every banana left  and leaves the remains for me to clean up.

I don't know if Gremlin put the dog into a trance, or if her authoritative tone combined with her gibberish scared him into doing whatever she said. Natural born leader that little one is. Or future meanie?! Only time will tell I suppose.

I however must have been in some sort of hypnosis during this whole ordeal because while watching the series of events, I realized I was hungry and out of the corner of my eye I see something that resembled a chip on the couch. Without thinking, I just grab whatever it was and ate it! It could have been a regurgitated goldfish cracker for crying out loud! Your eating habits drastically change when you become a parent, but that may have been an all time low! Actually, the all time low would have been the time I picked some food up off the floor that one of the littles dropped, had it in my hand for a few because I got distracted and then ended up eating it without thinking. That's just how I roll I suppose, gross.

What did I learn in all of this?!? I have a 4 year old that refuses to wipe her own rear end, acts like she can't dress herself and gets scared in the night. Then there's that crazy 1 year old who is on the path to self sufficiency a bit too early. I'm hoping they start to balance each other out some. Fingers crossed! I can't be wiping asses while chasing knives out of the hands of toddlers forever. (Insert scared face here!)

Hide Yo Kids, Hide Yo Knives.

I would be lying if I said I hadn't had some oh so stellar parenting moments that allowed me to be crowned Mother of the year. It's happened and it's happened more than once. I'm sure it will happen plenty of times from here on out as well. You can't beat yourself up over every small mistake you make as a parent. There was the time when Kaelyn was a newborn and I accidentally hit her car seat (which I had set on the ground) with the car door and knocked her over. Luckily she was strapped in. Or the time I was so in awe of my first born baby girl that I was just staring at her in my arms while walking into her room. Well I missed the doorway and rammed my infants head into the wall. Another winning moment would be during a kids birthday party. Kaelyn was just walking then and while we were singing happy birthday, K decided to help herself to someone's can of beer on the table. She poured it all over herself. It's still a mystery if she actually consumed any of the delicious Blue Moon in a can.

Today though, today may take the cake for my parenting fails. Baby proofing? Come on, that's for amateurs and paranoid helicopter parents right?! That's how I USED to feel until today. Apparently my ego was too big for my midget britches. Nothing really had to be baby proofed with Kaelyn, so I think I had a false sense of security with my belief that you don't really need to do it. I guess she just wasn't as...um....adventurous as her little sis is turning out to be. When I was a kid I remember seeing the Mr. Yuk sticker on something and I knew not to touch it. I also knew to leave things like knives, booze and cigarettes alone. However, there is one story from when I was a tiny tot where I may have grabbed something that resembled a cig off the counter and ran around the house saying "Smoking is bad!" I now know that it wasn't a cigarette after all, but whatever, potatoe-potato right?

** Side note- Does anyone else remember getting those chalk cigarettes as kids?! What a twisted thing for kids to love getting. It's probably why I grabbed the wacky tabacky off the counter that day when I was a young buck. Who knows, another unsolved mystery I suppose. **

So anyways, back to the story at hand. While cleaning the house today I run into the laundry room to switch the load. I come back into the main part of the house, walk around the corner and see my 10inch chef's knife, aka the BFK (big 'bleepin' knife) on the living room floor! Yes, you read that right.....10 INCH KNIFE. Nobody is near it. Leah and the dog were on the other side of the house playing in Kaelyns room. So after my initial panic that someone was hiding around the corner wearing the mask from Scream, and getting ready to attack me, I realized that the Gremlin was the only other person that could be to blame for grabbing the knife out of the TOP drawer. Dang that Leah...Chucky...Stewie...Tracy!!! That moment was one of the few times I was so thankful her attention span is non existent. I'm sure she grabbed the knife but it wasn't really even about the knife, it was more about the challenge of how to get to it. Pushing a chair out of the way (one that's usually blocking the drawers) grabbing a stool and opening the drawer to get the knife. Once she succeeded in her mission, she had no actual use for it but just isn't smart enough yet to hide the evidence of her break in into my cutlery drawer.

Forget that funny guy on YouTube that said "Hide yo kids, hide yo wives." In this house it's more like hide yo kids, hide yo knives!

 

I took a picture of the lovely 10inch knife but can't bring myself to post it. I am so freaked out  that she got to it in 2.5 seconds and am BEYOND, BEYOND, BEYOND thankful that she just did a drop and run.

 

Baby proofing......it's for real ya'll!