The month of July has been full of random life lessons and new discoveries.... Here are some of the random things I have come to realize, learn, or unearth this past month.
Never buy value sized anything when you have small hands and are single. Not only do I have kid size hands, they hold the strength of an 85 year old woman. Opening any sort of large jar or container is now a thing of the past for me. Somewhat of a bummer seeing that value sized generally is a better deal moneywise. We all know how I like to get the biggest bang for my buck.
There's another type of value sized/biggest bang for your buck when one is single, but that's an ENTIRELY different kind of blog post folks.
I was so proud of my biggest little for learning to pee in the woods last week. It's a right of passage that all kids must learn this at some point. Shoot, I grew up playing in the woods so it was imperative that I knew how to properly squat. That proud moment faded just slightly when we were playing outside in our front yard over the weekend with some of the neighborhood kids. I told Kaelyn to stop playing and go potty. Her reply- Sure Mom, which tree?!?
I guess I should explain that we only pee in the trees when public bathrooms are locked or we are on a wilderness adventure. Or if you happen to be playing in the woods with your friends and they are pretending to hold you hostage for your pickles. That last statement is pretty random.....but that did happen to me as kid. Pickles are the shit, so I don't blame my friends for wanting them.
I always thought it was so precious to see parents carry their kids to bed after they fell asleep in the car or on the couch. They NEVER seem to wake up, and the act of carrying them looks so graceful and effortless. Insert me- borderline midget Mom. If Leah falls asleep, I can easily transport her but once I get to the crib i'm not tall enough to gracefully lay her in there. This usually doesn't end well. I gently whisper "just tuck and roll sweetie" and hope for the best! Kidding, I don't really say that... I think it.
Kaelyn fell asleep on the sofa the other night and I attempted to carry her to bed. I'm only 5ft tall and she is probably only a foot and a half shorter than me. So instead of the effortless looking carry to bed, it looked like I was pretty much dragging a lifeless body down my hall. Her feet were almost touching the floor and I think I tripped over 3 things during my struggle walk to her room. I saw those items earlier, prior to bedtime, but in true parent form....didn't clean them up then. By the time I dumped (yes dumped, there was nothing effortless about this) her on the bed, I laid down next to her out of breath and pissed off for stubbing my toe. Grace and not in my vocab. Well it is, but only because that happens to be the Grems middle name!
Smokey Robinson- AKA- My soon to be lifeless Jeep has recently been smoking out of the exhaust. I know-I know, I need to get it to a mechanic. New motor....blah blah. In the meantime, the only perk is that nobody tailgates me anymore! If they do they get a nice plume of smoke when I take off from a stoplight. I'm like that mean friend in high school that would blow smoke in your face if you chose to not partake in smoking your parents old cigarettes that you would find outside. However, my best friend and I did smoke my moms half used cigarettes as teens...in the woods....where we had to squat to pee. Pretty sure doing that back then is the reason I don't smoke now. Gross.
Anyhoo- July awareness month has been really peachy so far.
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Friday, July 18, 2014
Boxed Wine & A Bucket of Chicken
A few summers ago, some girlfriends and I had the stellar idea to spend an evening at the beach. Complete with boxed wine and a bucket of chicken from KFC. Laugh all you want, but people thought we were brilliant when they saw that we removed the bag of wine from the box and placed it into the sound to keep it chilled! It was such a fun and relaxing night, even if we had to pee in the woods. We vowed to do it annually.
Fast forward to circa now. Well yesterday to be exact. The kids and I head down to the beach to meet my Sister Wife for our fun filled evening of chicken, boxed wine, and park playtime. Easy right? Wrong!!! This particular area has recently been upgraded to a spray park with a nice playground, which I have never been to. We park and wait for wife to show. Turns out we parked in the wrong spot, far away from where we needed to be. Literally over the river and through the woods. This is important to remember as I continue on with what unfolded over the next 5 minutes, which felt like a mini lifetime.
Girls start to fight because they are stepping on each others shadows on the sidewalk. One spits on the other. I do nothing about it because I am mid text to Sister Wife trying to figure out where she is and where we need to be. Random passerby stares because Leah let out a Gremlin grunt. It's past feeding time for all of us so tensions are starting to rise and I felt a kid meltdown coming on if I didn't let their grimy little hands into that bucket of chicken ASAP! Just as I figure out where we need to be, I see two ladies walking my way in long skirts and I just know......
Skirts- "Hi there. We are with the The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints."
Me- Loooooonnnngggg silent pause. Like LLLLLLOOOOONNNNG pause. Not to be rude, I just thought they were going to continue on with their spiel. They didn't. We stared for a minute and finally I just said. "Oh, that's nice."
Skirts- "We would love to discuss the word of Jesus Christ and invite you to hear more about it."
(Leah grunts, and Kaelyn starts tugging on my arm. I hear her say Mommy, I don't feel good.)
Me- I'm sorry but we are running late for dinner and my daughter just said she isn't feeling too hot, so we have to go.
Skirts- "Well we just wanted to inform you, and invite you....... " They were suddenly cut off by my kid.
Kaelyn- "Mommy I think I'm going to throw up!"
We start walking away. I really don't believe that Kaelyn is sick since she was fine all day prior. I thought she was just doing me a solid with the skirts and saw the hunger in my eyes, knowing I needed my hand in that bucket of chicken ASAP as well. The skirts start trailing behind me, man these chicks are relentless! That's when Kaelyn puked. I didn't notice at first, because I was trying to get over the river and through the woods to my dinner. Then she puked again. So there we were.... A manic Mother figure, a Gremlin, and a puke walker. All being stalked by the LDS skirt girls. If the big man was going to throw down a bucket of chicken and some baby wipes for clean up, maybe their conversation could've continued on a bit longer. But sick kids and hunger trump sidewalk chats about religion ladies.
We finally reach our destination, and the kids magically decide they aren't hungry. How sweet of them. They play around for awhile and we are all finally relaxed and having fun. It starts to get late, but its summer so who really cares?! Not this mom. Everything is just grand, then the security guard comes to lock up the bathrooms for the night. This is another thing that's important to remember. Shortly after he leaves, someone shouts that there is poop on the slide. We inspect and assume its mud. Rule #1- never assume. Just like rule #1 in my dating blog post. Rule #1 will always apply to both men and trying to decipher bodily functions. Still thinking its mud, I grab some wipes and clean it up. As im walking to the garbage the wind blows and I get the whiff. So much for thinking it was mud. Bathrooms are all locked up now too. Crap. Not even 5 minutes later Kaelyn has to pee. Again, bathrooms are locked up. So I take her behind a tree and teach her how to squat like a lady in the woods.
So there ya have it.... All we wanted to do was relive our lovely boxed wine, bucket of chicken evening from summers ago. But when you add two kids in the mix, you get a little puke, a whole lot of chaos, and 2 generations of ladies squatting to pee in the woods.
Fast forward to circa now. Well yesterday to be exact. The kids and I head down to the beach to meet my Sister Wife for our fun filled evening of chicken, boxed wine, and park playtime. Easy right? Wrong!!! This particular area has recently been upgraded to a spray park with a nice playground, which I have never been to. We park and wait for wife to show. Turns out we parked in the wrong spot, far away from where we needed to be. Literally over the river and through the woods. This is important to remember as I continue on with what unfolded over the next 5 minutes, which felt like a mini lifetime.
Girls start to fight because they are stepping on each others shadows on the sidewalk. One spits on the other. I do nothing about it because I am mid text to Sister Wife trying to figure out where she is and where we need to be. Random passerby stares because Leah let out a Gremlin grunt. It's past feeding time for all of us so tensions are starting to rise and I felt a kid meltdown coming on if I didn't let their grimy little hands into that bucket of chicken ASAP! Just as I figure out where we need to be, I see two ladies walking my way in long skirts and I just know......
Skirts- "Hi there. We are with the The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints."
Me- Loooooonnnngggg silent pause. Like LLLLLLOOOOONNNNG pause. Not to be rude, I just thought they were going to continue on with their spiel. They didn't. We stared for a minute and finally I just said. "Oh, that's nice."
Skirts- "We would love to discuss the word of Jesus Christ and invite you to hear more about it."
(Leah grunts, and Kaelyn starts tugging on my arm. I hear her say Mommy, I don't feel good.)
Me- I'm sorry but we are running late for dinner and my daughter just said she isn't feeling too hot, so we have to go.
Skirts- "Well we just wanted to inform you, and invite you....... " They were suddenly cut off by my kid.
Kaelyn- "Mommy I think I'm going to throw up!"
We start walking away. I really don't believe that Kaelyn is sick since she was fine all day prior. I thought she was just doing me a solid with the skirts and saw the hunger in my eyes, knowing I needed my hand in that bucket of chicken ASAP as well. The skirts start trailing behind me, man these chicks are relentless! That's when Kaelyn puked. I didn't notice at first, because I was trying to get over the river and through the woods to my dinner. Then she puked again. So there we were.... A manic Mother figure, a Gremlin, and a puke walker. All being stalked by the LDS skirt girls. If the big man was going to throw down a bucket of chicken and some baby wipes for clean up, maybe their conversation could've continued on a bit longer. But sick kids and hunger trump sidewalk chats about religion ladies.
We finally reach our destination, and the kids magically decide they aren't hungry. How sweet of them. They play around for awhile and we are all finally relaxed and having fun. It starts to get late, but its summer so who really cares?! Not this mom. Everything is just grand, then the security guard comes to lock up the bathrooms for the night. This is another thing that's important to remember. Shortly after he leaves, someone shouts that there is poop on the slide. We inspect and assume its mud. Rule #1- never assume. Just like rule #1 in my dating blog post. Rule #1 will always apply to both men and trying to decipher bodily functions. Still thinking its mud, I grab some wipes and clean it up. As im walking to the garbage the wind blows and I get the whiff. So much for thinking it was mud. Bathrooms are all locked up now too. Crap. Not even 5 minutes later Kaelyn has to pee. Again, bathrooms are locked up. So I take her behind a tree and teach her how to squat like a lady in the woods.
So there ya have it.... All we wanted to do was relive our lovely boxed wine, bucket of chicken evening from summers ago. But when you add two kids in the mix, you get a little puke, a whole lot of chaos, and 2 generations of ladies squatting to pee in the woods.
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Match.wrong- Learning The Rules of Dating
I'm coming to the realization that I am going to be an extremely awkward dater. For one, I just don't get it. Maybe it's due to the fact that I missed the dating boat at a young age because I was in a relationship that turned into a marriage for the majority of my twenties. Who knows. The thought of going out there and actively trying to meet someone just seems pitiful, tiring and simply not fun. I don't like attention in that way and while I may be very outgoing, I am confident that when it comes to dating I will be very socially awkward. Besides, I think I need to brush up on my dating resume. I am in the thick of raising my littles while going through a seemingly long divorce process. Since that consumes 90% of my time, I am pretty sure I would be a real conversation killer! I think I have been on two dates in my ENTIRE life with people I didn't somehow know prior, and one was fairly recent. The first one was in my early twenties. He was a customer that I helped at work one day that I ended up running into often around town. During our date he asked me if I was ok seeing a man that had to disappear from time to time with no notice. Ummmmm?? Can ya clarify there buddy? On the way back from dinner, he was driving his brand new BMW which happened to be a stick shift. I mentioned that I haven't driven a manual since I was 16. He offered to let me drive, I declined. That's when this fool tried to fake a heart attack on the road and make me drive his BRAND NEW FULLY LOADED BMW! Full on traffic piling up behind us while he just yelled at me-"What are you going to do Kendra! This is a crisis, drive the car!"
There was no second date. Obviously.
The second was fairly recent. I was set up on a blind date. **Disclaimer- There was nothing wrong with this man, he was actually really nice, just not much chemistry. The issue was all me and my intense need for food.**
We meet. He asked me out and set the time and place. Since I am new to dating I assumed we would be eating since it was around dinner time. RULE #1- never assume. I was so nervous beforehand that I almost puked on the way to meet him. I was sweating and just wanted to turn around and go home. I actually had to be talked into going by my sister and cousin. Maybe I did it for them, who knows, but I was a nervous wreck! We meet at one of my favorite bars, grab a drink and then head to the next place where I assume we will eat. Again, see RULE#1. As the night went on without nourishment, I didn't even know what he is saying because I was so hungry. I was picturing his face as a taco, a burger, pizza....any sort of carb that I could devour in seconds to make me feel human again. It wasn't that I was expecting HIM to buy me dinner, I would've done that myself. Everywhere we went didn't have food! By the time he caught onto my hunger face, it was time for me to go home. I've got kids, can't be out all night ya'll. Can't a dude warn a gal if we aren't going to eat? I may be little, but I love me some grub.
No second date there either.
The most recent wasn't even a date. Pretty sure I am getting worse as time goes on. I was out watching the World Cup and met up with my sister and a friend. It was a hot day and we were table sharing with some randoms in a beer garden. On a whim my friend said "Introduce ourselves to these guys. Ready. Set. Go!" I get to talking with one that was actually pretty good looking. Turns out we both have the same type of dog. After showing pictures he mentioned that he frequents a dog park near my house and that we should get the dogs together sometime. I reply with- My dog will kill other animals, we don't do dog parks. Poor guy tries again saying... Well my dog is pretty big, we can give it a shot. I reiterate by saying.. I don't think you get it. My dog will KKKKIIIIIILLLLLLLLL other animals. Like maul them. No joke. After the third time of me saying that, he and his friend just got up and left. No goodbye, nothing. It confused me because I could tell he was interested. That's when I learned about RULE #2- read between the lines. Homeboy Ron, Juan, whatever his name was didn't give two poops about the dogs, it was a way for us to meet up.
Not even a first date there.
I decided to up my game today. When a very nice looking and I mean very nice looking man glanced at me in the grocery store, I pretended to not notice. Then when he did the walk past, turnaround and smile at me move I GLARED AT HIM! I glared at the poor, innocent, good looking man for smiling at me! I was so into picking out my produce and pushing my kids around in that giant fire truck cart that's 10 times my size, that I couldn't even smile at a hottie. Someone slap me!
He even had a beard. I love beards.
Don't even get me started on the whole online dating thing. I really, really, really don't get that one. I've heard so many horror stories. I actually find them humorous since they didn't happen to me, but still.....not appealing at all. One of my favorite people of all time did the online thing and then would blog about it after. That was some golden reading material if you ask me! Another good friend of mine did the online thing for awhile while living in Seattle, and had some real interesting tales. The best was going on a double date and the guys showed up in matching shirts that were different colors. The plot thickened when he went on about his obsession with ferrets. Claiming they were just like cats that haven't grown up. He owned many and juggled them. Yes, you read that right, juggled them. They then went to some show where he got so into whoever was preforming that he kept doing high kicks. He didn't have a phone, so he asked my friend if he could keep in contact via email..
His email went into the trash folder for sure.
How she got matched up with him I will never know. She is normal. Talk about Match.wrong.
So you see, the thought of having to pay a babysitter $10 an hour to take a chance on a ferret loving high-kicker seems absolutely awful to me. I would much rather be around my favorite people drinking boxed wine and laughing so hard that I cry, or be with my kids.
There was no second date. Obviously.
The second was fairly recent. I was set up on a blind date. **Disclaimer- There was nothing wrong with this man, he was actually really nice, just not much chemistry. The issue was all me and my intense need for food.**
We meet. He asked me out and set the time and place. Since I am new to dating I assumed we would be eating since it was around dinner time. RULE #1- never assume. I was so nervous beforehand that I almost puked on the way to meet him. I was sweating and just wanted to turn around and go home. I actually had to be talked into going by my sister and cousin. Maybe I did it for them, who knows, but I was a nervous wreck! We meet at one of my favorite bars, grab a drink and then head to the next place where I assume we will eat. Again, see RULE#1. As the night went on without nourishment, I didn't even know what he is saying because I was so hungry. I was picturing his face as a taco, a burger, pizza....any sort of carb that I could devour in seconds to make me feel human again. It wasn't that I was expecting HIM to buy me dinner, I would've done that myself. Everywhere we went didn't have food! By the time he caught onto my hunger face, it was time for me to go home. I've got kids, can't be out all night ya'll. Can't a dude warn a gal if we aren't going to eat? I may be little, but I love me some grub.
No second date there either.
The most recent wasn't even a date. Pretty sure I am getting worse as time goes on. I was out watching the World Cup and met up with my sister and a friend. It was a hot day and we were table sharing with some randoms in a beer garden. On a whim my friend said "Introduce ourselves to these guys. Ready. Set. Go!" I get to talking with one that was actually pretty good looking. Turns out we both have the same type of dog. After showing pictures he mentioned that he frequents a dog park near my house and that we should get the dogs together sometime. I reply with- My dog will kill other animals, we don't do dog parks. Poor guy tries again saying... Well my dog is pretty big, we can give it a shot. I reiterate by saying.. I don't think you get it. My dog will KKKKIIIIIILLLLLLLLL other animals. Like maul them. No joke. After the third time of me saying that, he and his friend just got up and left. No goodbye, nothing. It confused me because I could tell he was interested. That's when I learned about RULE #2- read between the lines. Homeboy Ron, Juan, whatever his name was didn't give two poops about the dogs, it was a way for us to meet up.
Not even a first date there.
I decided to up my game today. When a very nice looking and I mean very nice looking man glanced at me in the grocery store, I pretended to not notice. Then when he did the walk past, turnaround and smile at me move I GLARED AT HIM! I glared at the poor, innocent, good looking man for smiling at me! I was so into picking out my produce and pushing my kids around in that giant fire truck cart that's 10 times my size, that I couldn't even smile at a hottie. Someone slap me!
He even had a beard. I love beards.
Don't even get me started on the whole online dating thing. I really, really, really don't get that one. I've heard so many horror stories. I actually find them humorous since they didn't happen to me, but still.....not appealing at all. One of my favorite people of all time did the online thing and then would blog about it after. That was some golden reading material if you ask me! Another good friend of mine did the online thing for awhile while living in Seattle, and had some real interesting tales. The best was going on a double date and the guys showed up in matching shirts that were different colors. The plot thickened when he went on about his obsession with ferrets. Claiming they were just like cats that haven't grown up. He owned many and juggled them. Yes, you read that right, juggled them. They then went to some show where he got so into whoever was preforming that he kept doing high kicks. He didn't have a phone, so he asked my friend if he could keep in contact via email..
His email went into the trash folder for sure.
How she got matched up with him I will never know. She is normal. Talk about Match.wrong.
So you see, the thought of having to pay a babysitter $10 an hour to take a chance on a ferret loving high-kicker seems absolutely awful to me. I would much rather be around my favorite people drinking boxed wine and laughing so hard that I cry, or be with my kids.
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